Top 100 W C Fields Quotes
#1. We're flimflam artists. But remember, sonny, you can't con people unless they're greedy to begin with. W. C. Fields had it right. You can't cheat an honest man.
Sidney Sheldon
#2. As W.C. Fields once said: a thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
Steven D. Levitt
#3. Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.
W.C. Fields
#4. My dad's sense of humor was direct and sometimes surreal - his quick wit is well known amongst our family and friends. He raised me on Spike Jones records and W.C. Fields movies, and his sense of humor fell somewhere in between.
Tony Visconti
#5. W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. 'I'm looking for a loop-hole,' he explained.
W.C. Fields
#6. Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W.C. Fields
#7. I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields.
Woody Allen
#8. He had a W.C. Fields twang and a nose like a prize strawberry.
Kurt Vonnegut
#9. I've taken up the Bible again, somewhat in the spirit of W.C. Fields - looking for loopholes.
David Niven
#10. It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
W.C. Fields
#11. Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W.C. Fields
#12. There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W.C. Fields
#13. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
W.C. Fields
#14. It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W.C. Fields
#15. Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W.C. Fields
#16. I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W.C. Fields
#17. All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
W.C. Fields
#18. The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W.C. Fields
#19. During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W.C. Fields
#20. If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W.C. Fields
#21. Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
Leo Rosten
#22. I like children. If they're properly cooked.
W.C. Fields
#23. The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W.C. Fields
#24. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W.C. Fields
#25. Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
W.C. Fields
#26. The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W.C. Fields
#27. My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W.C. Fields
#28. A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
W.C. Fields
#29. Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W.C. Fields
#30. Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W.C. Fields
#31. How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
W.C. Fields
#32. Hi tooti-pie. Everything under control?
W.C. Fields
#33. No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
W.C. Fields
#34. Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W.C. Fields
#35. I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W.C. Fields
#36. If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W.C. Fields
#37. There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
W.C. Fields
#38. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W.C. Fields
#39. The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
W.C. Fields
#40. What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.
W.C. Fields
#41. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W.C. Fields
#42. All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
W.C. Fields
#43. Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
W.C. Fields
#44. I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W.C. Fields
#45. I drink with impunity ... or anyone else who invites me.
W.C. Fields
#46. You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W.C. Fields
#47. Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W.C. Fields
#48. A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W.C. Fields
#49. I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
W.C. Fields
#50. When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
W.C. Fields
#51. Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
W.C. Fields
#52. If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
W.C. Fields
#53. Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
W.C. Fields
#54. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
W.C. Fields
#55. I only drink to steady my nerves ... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
W.C. Fields
#56. Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W.C. Fields
#57. Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W.C. Fields
#58. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields
#59. The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
W.C. Fields
#60. I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
W.C. Fields
#61. I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
W.C. Fields
#62. No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
W.C. Fields
#63. I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
W.C. Fields
#64. I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
W.C. Fields
#65. I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W.C. Fields
#66. The best thing to break is a contract.
W.C. Fields
#67. There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W.C. Fields
#68. If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W.C. Fields
#69. Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W.C. Fields
#71. Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W.C. Fields
#72. Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W.C. Fields
#73. I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
W.C. Fields
#74. It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
W.C. Fields
#75. Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
W.C. Fields
#76. The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W.C. Fields
#79. I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
W.C. Fields
#81. Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
W.C. Fields
#82. The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature ... no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.
W.C. Fields
#83. Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
W.C. Fields
#84. Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W.C. Fields
#85. I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake ... which I also keep handy.
W.C. Fields
#87. It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
W.C. Fields
#88. I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
W.C. Fields
#89. It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
W.C. Fields
#90. I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W.C. Fields
#91. Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W.C. Fields
#92. If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W.C. Fields
#93. Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
W.C. Fields
#94. Try till you succeed ... if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W.C. Fields
#95. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
W.C. Fields
#96. I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W.C. Fields
#97. I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
W.C. Fields
#98. Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
W.C. Fields
#99. I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W.C. Fields
#100. The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W.C. Fields
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