The Morganville Vampires Quotes

#1. You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.
"Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!

Rachel Caine

#2. What about Myrnin?'
Eve swallowed, almost choked, and Michael patted her kindly on the back. She beamed at him. 'Myrnin? Oh yeah. He did a Batman and took off into the night. What is with that guy, Claire? If he was a superhero, he'd be Bipolar Man.

Rachel Caine

#3. Great," Shane said. "Look i'd rather not be on janitorial duty. I have allergies to cleaners."
"And to cleaning," Michael said.
"Look who's talking, Didn't the do one of those Animal Planet documentaries about the roaches in your room?

Rachel Caine

#4. Hannah leaned against the wall. 'Mind if I call shotgun?'
'Since you're carrying one? Feel free.

Rachel Caine

#5. Shane was sitting on the curb next to the old, cracked gas pumps, eating a candy bar. Claire plopped down next to him. "Half?" she asked.
"And now I know you're my girlfriend, since you're not afraid to demand community property," he said, and pulled off the uneaten half to hand it over.

Rachel Caine

#6. You looked like the sexiest woman in the world."
"Well, in fairness, I am the sexiest woman in the world."
"And you're always right."
"You are so brilliant to recognize that.

Rachel Caine

#7. Happy birthday," she said. "And next time? Eat the stupid cupcake.

Rachel Caine

#8. Hey!" Claire called after him, as she leaned her backpack against the wall.
"No onions!"
"Your loss!"
"I meant for YOU! Not if you want to get kissed tonight!"
"Damn, girl. Harsh.

Rachel Caine

#9. Her eyes felt swollen, and she knew she looked a mess, but sometimes ... sometimes the emotions were just too big to hold.

Rachel Caine

#10. What about e-mail? It is e-mail, yes?" Morley asked, leaning even closer. "E-mail is a kind of electronic letter. It travels through the air." He seemed very smug that he knew that.
"Well, not exactly, and would you please either BACK OFF or go find a shower?

Rachel Caine

#11. Hell,' Shane spit in disgust. 'I can't hit a girl. Here, Claire. You hit her.' He tossed her the bat.

Rachel Caine

#12. Best to flee now, before the pitchforks and torches and scientists come calling.

Rachel Caine

#13. The Apocalypse must be near, because a guy is arguing against grilling.

Rachel Caine

#14. Afternoons are hard. Mornings are pure evil from the pits of hell, which is why I don't do them anymore.

Rachel Caine

#15. Shane, honey, in Morganville, friends are the only things that keep you alive.

Rachel Caine

#16. Silver nitrate and water in a super soaker," he told her. "My own invention. Ought to be good at twenty feet, kind of like wasp spray."
Oh. "You get me the nicest things."
"Anybody can get jewelry. Posers

Rachel Caine

#17. Oh, come on. A vamp marrying a human gets the fanged ones all upset, and Eve made herself look like the ultimate fang-anger to all the humans by putting a ring on one, so what did you expect exactly? Flowers and parades? This is Texas. We're still figuring out how to spell tolerance.

Rachel Caine

#18. No way they could threaten him, not even with Amelie; he'd already given Amelie the finger on the way out of Morganville and he clearly wasn't worried about her coming after him - or, if so, what would happen when she did.

Rachel Caine

#19. And somewhere in heaven, Versace sheds a single, perfect tear.

Rachel Caine

#20. At least you left out the oh-my-God sauce this time."
"Made myself a batch with it," Shane said. "It's got the biohazard sticker on it in the fridge, so don't bitch if you get flamed.

Rachel Caine

#21. Sure," she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. "What could go wrong?"
Michael's eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.
Besides everything, I mean," she said.

Rachel Caine

#22. Oliver: Fear is the natural state of anything that dies.

Rachel Caine

#23. Shane: "Score," he said, and raised the crowbar in triumph. "Who's your daddy?"
- Black Dawn

Rachel Caine

#24. Did you talk to him about it?"
"Oh, sure. Nothing happened, yadda yadda. The usual. But my maydar went off like crazy."
"Maydar?"
"As in, he may be thinking about super hot sex with her. Like radar, only not as sure.

Rachel Caine

#25. No, not you two. Stay here.'
'Does he just not get how unfair and sexist that is?' Eve asked. 'Men.'
'You really want to go first?'
'Of course no. But I'd like the chance to refuse to go first.

Rachel Caine

#26. Now we're in the middle of a three-sided vampire war. Which would be an awesome video game, but I'm really not interested in playing for real. I like my reset buttons.

Rachel Caine

#27. He broke the kiss and leaned against her, breathing hard. Good morning to you, too. Man, I just can't stay mad when you do that.

Rachel Caine

#28. Wake me for the massacre, okay? Don't want to miss it.

Rachel Caine

#29. Only as equals can we keep the peace. It is not in our nature, but it is the only way to survive.

Rachel Caine

#30. Shred all that, then take the pieces to the incinerator at the end of the hall for burning. I like to be thorough.

Rachel Caine

#31. The only way to stop a rebellion is to crush it with blood and fire, and to wound them so they'll never dare to raise a hand again.

Rachel Caine

#32. Just wanted to remind you that we're out of milk again. And hot sauce."
"Why are those two always out at the same time? Because those do not go together."
"I suspect Shane. He'd put hot sauce in anything," Michael said.

Rachel Caine

#33. If you ask me if I'm okay again, I'm going to smack myself in the face just to punish you.

Rachel Caine

#34. You staked a vampire with a number two pencil."
"I didn't actually check the number."
- Shane Collins and Claire Danvers from Morganville Vampires

Rachel Caine

#35. Are the two of you quite done with your sweet nothings? Because I might vomit.

Rachel Caine

#36. The world doesn't end, Claire. In the morning, the survivors start to build again. It's way of things. The human way.

Rachel Caine

#37. Why?" Eve asked between breathless pants. she wasn't much of a runner either.
"Someone's coming" Shane said. "Shhhh."
Eve choked and strangled on a cough, and muttered "got to cut down on the cigarettes."
"you don't smoke," Claire whispered.
"then i'm completely screwed.

Rachel Caine

#38. He's named you heir apparent to the Apocalypse. Congratulations.

Rachel Caine

#39. Michael might have become a vampire, but watching him stand outside in the night air, breathing in his freedom Claire thought that was as human as it could get.

Rachel Caine

#40. Shane's dad said, "I should have left you in the damn cage to fry, you ungrateful little bastard. You're no son of mine."
"Hallelujah," Shane said softly. Free at last.

Rachel Caine

#41. The back door popped open, and Claire, fairy wings all a-flutter, pulled Miranda inside. It was like a military operation, only with one hundred percent less camouflage.

Rachel Caine

#42. Well," Naomi said cheerfully, "what's the worst that can happen?" They were silent, considering that, because there were just so many possibilities. But in the end, it was a better idea than Facebook.

Rachel Caine

#43. Shane sat like a statue if a statue wore headphones and radiated angry coiled tension that made hair stand up on a person's arms. She felt like she was sitting next to an unexploded bomb, and given all of the physics she'd had, she understood what that meant. Talk about potential energy.

Rachel Caine

#44. I guess in my beer-soaked mind it would all just magically work out, and she'd be so happy to see me she'd forget about everything else. Because everybody loves having the drunken self-pitying boyfriend banging on their door at, Jesus, four thirty in the morning.

Rachel Caine

#45. I can handle Glory."
"Can you?" Eve asked. "Because I notice you never call her Gloriana. Just Glory."
He shut up. Which is probably about the only smart thing he can do, Claire thought.

Rachel Caine

#46. You're kidding. I thought all geniuses read Latin. Isn't that the international language for smart people?-Shane (Glass Houses)

Rachel Caine

#47. Who's your daddy?'
Myrnin stared at him as if he'd gone completely mental. 'Excuse me?

Rachel Caine

#48. Faster!" Shane yelled. Eve hit the gas hard, and whipped around a slower-moving van. The firing ceased, at least for now. "You see why I didn't want you to stop?"
"Okay, your father is officially off my Christmas list!" Eve yelled. "Oh my God, look at my car!

Rachel Caine

#49. See?" she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. "She doesn't stomp around like a cattle stampede!"
"Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!

Rachel Caine

#50. Could you maybe not admire the evil enemy quite as much, and focus on how we're going to get out of this?

Rachel Caine

#51. I can smell the crazy on that man from here. I have a nose for it.

Rachel Caine

#52. Go to hell and take that with you! She shouted it right in Amelie's face. Eve
was an exotic blaze of color against Amelie's white fury.
And then she slapped the Founder in the face.

Rachel Caine

#53. In real life, you don't get a reset, and you don't get extra lives, and I got the crap pounded out of me.

Rachel Caine

#54. Bite me, Goth princess," Shane called from the back. "Not literally or anything."
"Maybe you should say that to Michael."
"Not funny, Eve," Michael said.
Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. "Little bit," she said.

Rachel Caine

#55. Bathroom, maybe? Which is where I need to go."
"Ooh, me, too," Eve said.
The boys rolled their eyes, like they'd planned it.
"What? It's what girls do. Get over it.

Rachel Caine

#56. She needs you for more than just protection. It's how it works. You want the strong girl, you understand that she's with you because she wants to be. Not because she has to be. You know that, right?

Rachel Caine

#57. Yeah. She'd manipulated the second most powerful vampire in town into taking her side against a psycho bitch-queen sorority girl. She'd talked rationally about putting people's brains into computers. This was a normal day. No wonder she was screwed up.

Rachel Caine

#58. Don't bait the cougars.

Rachel Caine

#59. Expendable was not the word I was looking to hear to boost my morale, but whatever.

Rachel Caine

#60. As she turned to concentrate on the portal, Eve tugged on Claire's shirt. "What?"
"Ask him where he got the boots."
"You ask." Personally, Claire wanted the vampire bunny slippers.

Rachel Caine

#61. It's part of the marriage vows. Didn't you read the fine print? To have and to harass.

Rachel Caine

#62. It's dreadfully unfair to say things like that when this is likely the last time we will speak and we both know you don't mean what you say. It's pure selfishness that you want to keep me here.

Rachel Caine

#63. You've been the least useless apprentice I've ever had.

Rachel Caine

#64. Mornings are pure evil from the pits of hell, which is why I don't do them anymore. Eve

Rachel Caine

#65. Let's say that it belong to me as much as it belongs to anyone alive today. If I am, strictly speaking, living. The old word was undead, you know, but aren't all living things undead. I dislike imprecision.

Rachel Caine

#66. You look like a Goth factory exploded all over you!" he called as she ran down the hall.
"Love you, too, jackass!

Rachel Caine

#67. There are always a few, Claire, who like being told what to do instead of being required to think. And those are the ones you should fear. That goes equally for humans, I'm afraid. Critical thinking has become a sadly rare skill these days.

Rachel Caine

#68. Bad men skulking in the darkness have always been there, and always will.

Rachel Caine

#69. At least this way we're safe in a room with a door that locks. And the sign says they have HBO."
That stands for Horrible Bloody Ohmygod." Eve said. "which is the way they kill you. When you think you're safe.

Rachel Caine

#70. Giving up is always easy. It's the peace that follows that sucks.

Rachel Caine

#71. His smile was bright and sweet and hot enough to melt solid steel. "Is this the part where I kiss you?"
"If you like."
"Oh," he said, "I like.

Rachel Caine

#72. Welcome," Vassily said, and smiled. He showed teeth. "To Immortal Battles. We don't fight to the death
we fight beyond death, in the world's most dangerous sport.

Rachel Caine

#73. Clarity confused me. I was far less forgiving and kind than the general state of disconnection in which I liked to live.

Rachel Caine

#74. She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not ... you know, better."
"Define BETTER with that guy."
"Not all fangs and raaaaar.

Rachel Caine

#75. I do hope nobody else here has any other surprises planned, because if you so much as think about harming one another, I will oblige them. This is neutral ground. Violators will be gruesomely and violently shown the error of their ways. Clear?

Rachel Caine

#76. Claire stretched out against the wall and kissed it. "Glad to see you, too," she whispered, and pressed her cheek against the smooth surface. It almost felt like it hugged her back.
"Dude, it's a house," Shane said from behind her. "Hug somebody who cares.

Rachel Caine

#77. Because you've got guy parts, you're automatically a better mechanic than me? I don't think so, Eve said, and bailed out of the passenger side.

Rachel Caine

#78. Hold on, Claire Bear! Next stop, Crazytown!

Rachel Caine

#79. Ahh ... maybe we should be going," Shane said. "Ditch the shoes, Eve. We'll be running now."
"I love these shoes!"
"More than your circulatory system?"
Eve silently kicked off the stilettos and backed up.

Rachel Caine

#80. He lives in a hole in the ground, dresses funny, and occasionally eats his assistants," Eve said. "Define crazy.

Rachel Caine

#81. Might as well go out flipping the bird to the powers that be killing us.

Rachel Caine

#82. She looked back to see Sam standing there at the edge of the strip of sunlight inside Common Grounds, staring after her with an expression on his face like he'd lost his best- his only friend.

Rachel Caine

#83. Girl, we need to get you on a study program, fast. You're not going to last a week around here if you can't keep up with the pop culture references. How about Lord of the Rings? Firefly? Doctor Horrible? No? Clearly we have a lot of work to do.

Rachel Caine

#84. The saga started out a normal day - don't they all? I mean, surely one morning back there in prehistoric times a dinosaur woke up, yawned, chewed some coffee beans, and thought his day was going to be dead boring, just before a comet slammed into his neighborhood.

Rachel Caine

#85. See?" he said, with an unholy amount of glee. "I hardly broke any laws at all. I should drive more often."
"No. Trust me, you shouldn't," Eve said. "Think of all the little old people and the children.

Rachel Caine

#86. Some people come to Morganville and collapse," Michael said as he put the car in motion. "I've seen it a dozen times. But there are a few who come here and just - bloom. You're one of those."
Claire didn't feel especially bloomy. "So you're saying I thrive on chaos.

Rachel Caine

#87. Oh
who's the Queen?"
"Her, of course. The White Queen. You're just like Alice, you know. Down the rabbit hole with the Mad Hatter.

Rachel Caine

#88. Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. Hey, Dark Princess? Here's your crap. Also, bite me.

Rachel Caine

#89. Hannah: What's your plan?
Claire: Go get him
Hannah: Honey, that is not a plan. That's what we in the military call an objective.

Rachel Caine

#90. I never did have much, so having it rough came with the territory. I was conditioned for it.

Rachel Caine

#91. Any requests on the kind of car?"
"Something with armor?" she said. "Oooh, and headrest DVD. Bonus for surround sound."
"Rocket launchers," Michael said.
"One hot yellow Hummer with optional mass destruction package, coming up.

Rachel Caine

#92. Promise me, Amelie, that you'll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love."
"I hardly think there's any chance of that," Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.

Rachel Caine

#93. Eve: She told me last!
Shane: Boyfriend!
Michael: Landlord!
Eve: Crap. Right. Next time you sell your soul to the devil, I get first contact!

Rachel Caine

#94. When things seem calmest, that is the time you should fear the most, it's when you have the most to lose.

Rachel Caine