Top 100 Tara Sivec Quotes
#1. To get to the good, sometimes you have to live through the bad.
Tara Sivec
#2. I don't even get the term, "the birds and the bees".
How does that properly teach a kid about sex? You never see a pigeon railing a
dove or a honey bee sticking it to a bumble bee.
Tara Sivec
#3. A few seconds of silence lapse, and I knew Carter was waiting for me to mention the huge "I'm pregnant" elephant in the room. Fuck that elephant! he can just sit there in the corner eating peanuts and shitting on the tile while giving me looks of disgust.
Tara Sivec
#4. But if you were given the chance to go back, to tell the truth instead of lie to save someone's life and their feelings ... would you?
Tara Sivec
#5. Who are you?" I asked the kid with my eyes when I finally found my voice.
"I'm Gavin Morgan, who the hell are you?
Tara Sivec
#6. Getting a group of rowdy, blue-collar workers together in one room and putting in a tape that shows a guy in a leisure suit putting his hand on his secretary's ass and you've got complete and total anarchy, ladies and gentleman.
Tara Sivec
#7. He looks at you like you're the key to his soul and like he wants to devour you.
Tara Sivec
#8. Son of a bitch, Kenny G! You put everyone to sleep but my son. The ONE thing you had going for you and now it's gone to shit.
Tara Sivec
#9. I don't deserve her forgiveness. I never deserved her to begin with, so now she'll be free to find security and happiness without having to worry about the broken man she married who can never be fixed.
Tara Sivec
#10. Do not enter, closed for repairs, zombies will eat your face if you try to touch this vagina.
Tara Sivec
#11. Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they cut your wiener," Gavin sang as he pointed his gun at random objects.
"Wow, cops have gotten pretty hardcore lately" Carter muttered.
Tara Sivec
#12. Instead I'm worried about my son being led astray by a harlot. A harlot named Brooklyn. Her parents probably named her that because skank was too obvious even though they know what her future career would be.
Tara Sivec
#13. No one likes an ugly crier. It's uncomfortable for all parties involved.
Tara Sivec
#14. It's okay, my penis is not offended in the least that it just made you throw up
Tara Sivec
#15. I feel like I'm in The Crying Game right now, Dad mutters with a sad shake of his head.
Tara Sivec
#16. I was going to have to tell people I got fired from selling dildos. I can't even sell fake cocks to a room full or horny women. How do you come back from that shit?
Tara Sivec
#17. Could you stand still please?' Sylvia says in an irritated voice. If she had sweaty balls and an almost-boner she wouldn't be so judgmental. Am I right, or am I right?
Tara Sivec
#18. It's easy fixing other people's problems. It's my own that can suck it.
Tara Sivec
#19. The mind is a great and powerful thing, bisected with hallways of darkness and corners of light. Memories can alternately fill your life with joy and happiness and cloud every moment with nightmares and fear, making you second-guess all of the good things and wonder if they were ever real.
Tara Sivec
#20. I never should have left you. I'll never stop loving you, even if you hate me for walking away.
Tara Sivec
#21. Mommy and Daddy make a lot of noise when they kiss. Mommy talks to God a lot. I talk to God sometimes too. I asked him for a puppy and a new monster truck but I was nice and didn't yell at him like Mommy does. He still hasn't gotten me the puppy though.
Tara Sivec
#22. Wow, I'm surprised you remembered. When you left the bar you were crying and singing at the top of your lungs ' I got ninety-nine problems and the bitch is all of them.
Tara Sivec
#23. I'm not scared because I can't give you my love in return, I'm scared because I love you so much sometimes it's hard to breathe."
[ ... ]
"Everything I have to give, it's yours. It's always been yours.
Tara Sivec
#24. It's mind-blowing and delicious and better
than finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds at
the end of a rainbow.
Tara Sivec
#25. So, this is the story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down ... no, seriously, it is. Stop singing, you heartless bastards. I'm
Tara Sivec
#26. You wouldn't know what the fuck to do in a dangerous situation if your life depended on it. And it would, little one.
Tara Sivec
#27. I had been out of the game for too long. I couldn't even get drunk and flirt anymore. I could however, get drunk and look like a stroke victim.
Tara Sivec
#28. It's going down, and it's going down right the fuck now. I don't care if there is a room full of witnesses
Tara Sivec
#29. I'm not a gynecologist but I'll take a look.
Tara Sivec
#30. I know I'm done for when it comes to this woman. She's gotten under my skin, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to remove her.
Tara Sivec
#31. Granted, she was obviously one lick away from riding the short bus
Tara Sivec
#32. This is supposed to be a surprise - a huge, life-changing surprise that could make or break our future. Or my kneecaps if George decides he really does hate me.
Tara Sivec
#33. Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me that four-year-olds get woodys? I am not equipped to deal with this shit, Liz.
Tara Sivec
#34. I'm not going to hold my breast for another invitiation - Jenny
Tara Sivec
#35. I'm scared because I love you so much sometimes it's hard to breathe.
Tara Sivec
#36. You know what happens when you assume things?"
I left out a sigh. "You make an ass out of you and me."
...
"No, you just make an ass out of you. Me, I would never be this assy
Tara Sivec
#37. How many people get a second chance at love with the only person they've ever held in their heart?
Tara Sivec
#38. I can't do this without her, Liz, I can't. Every part of my life is wrapped up in her. She's my wife,
Tara Sivec
#39. Aaarrggg, ahoy me matey, thars a great grand vagina over yonder. Penises talk like pirates when I'm drunk.
Tara Sivec
#40. I just wanted to hear him speak again. His voice made me want to take my pants off.
Tara Sivec
#41. This is where my story begins. Or ends. I can never really decide.
Tara Sivec
#42. I'm a quirky, intelligent, dark haired chick! Me, me, me, pick me! And who the hell keeps whining and ruining my perfect moment? I will cut a bitch.
Tara Sivec
#43. Oh Sweet Jesus. Sweet mother fucking fuckery of fucks.
Tara Sivec
#44. You make everything perfect, Lucy. You're my light and my life and all I need is your love to guide me home, no matter where I go.
Tara Sivec
#45. I love you more than a hooker loves free VD testing day at the clinic
Tara Sivec
#46. This is what you do to me, Layla. Every second I'm with within a hundred yards of you, I'm rockhard.
Tara Sivec
#47. If you spelled George Morgan wrong on Google it didn't say, "Did you mean George Morgan?" It simply replied, "Run while you still have the chance.
Tara Sivec
#48. Loving you meant loving every part of you, the good and the bad, the easy and the hard.
Tara Sivec
#49. There's nothing more sensual than watching a man struggle to keep himself in check when he's looking at you.
Tara Sivec
#50. Will you stop calling it 'stalking'? That's such a harsh term. I prefer 'anonymous following.
Tara Sivec
#51. I don't blame her for walking away; I shoved her out the door and told her to go. I should have realized that she was my light. She was everything bright and beautiful about my life and it went to shit after she left. I'm going to fix this. I have to fix this.
Tara Sivec
#52. You spidermanned the one you love.
Tara Sivec
#53. Oh shit, the jig is up! HIDE THE COOKIES!
Tara Sivec
#54. I was trying to figure out a way to tell him his love mayonnaise had mad skills and no one at this table could stop talking about vibrators.
Tara Sivec
#55. You're probably also wondering how in the hell I can possibly be twenty-five years old when just yesterday I was four. I know, it's a tough pill to swallow. I'm not a foul-mouthed, cute little kid anymore. I'm now a foul-mouthed, cute adult.
Tara Sivec
#56. It's easy to forgive someone for the hurt they've caused you. Forgetting is impossible.
Tara Sivec
#57. People in your life will let you down sometimes. It's a fact of life. What matters is how you handle it.
Tara Sivec
#58. It's fucking Meerkat Manor in my pants.
Tara Sivec
#59. Anal is pretty much the sexual duct tape of the world- it fixes everything.
I should put that on a t-shirt.
Tara Sivec
#60. He was so pretty I wanted to frame him and put him on my nightstand in a totally non-creepy, non-Hannibal Lector skin-suit-wearing kind of way.
Tara Sivec
#61. I shouldn't be allowed to think when I'm drinking.
Tara Sivec
#62. They pray so much I can almost imagine Jesus himself sitting up there on a white puffy cloud saying, "Oh for the love of my dad, shut the fuck up already. I heard you the first eleven times.
Tara Sivec
#63. It's Life. It's the bumps and the bruises, the pain and the fear; it's messy and it's real and it's not some perfect little story that can be tied up in a bow.
Tara Sivec
#64. Uncle Drew is completely inappropriate and one hundred percent of the time, and Aunt Jenny is a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Tara Sivec Love And Lists
#65. Granted, she was obviously one window lick away from riding the short bus, but that knowledge did nothing to ease my mind.
Tara Sivec
#66. As I recall, Drew made me take him to see a voodoo priestess he found in the yellow pages that week because he said the friend put a hex on his penis. For two weeks he slept with a two-pound package of boneless, skinless chicken breasts on his junk since he refused to sacrifice a live chicken.
Tara Sivec
#67. She's calling our house. What ten-year-old girl needs to call a boy's house? A slutty ten-year-old girl, that's who. She's got her sights on our son, and before we know it, she's going to be giving him blow jobs on the back of the bus and forcing him to watch porn with her. This is our BABY, Carter!
Tara Sivec
#68. Oh, dear. He's a pimp and he's stupid, this is not good," Bev mutters. "Leon, leave it to you to find the only stupid pimp in Seattle.
Tara Sivec
#69. London Bridge is in Arizona? When the fuck did this happen? Does London know about this? The queen has got to be pissed
Tara Sivec
#70. I suddenly had a vision of my sperm swimming around and talking in Bruce Willis's voice like in Look Who's Talking. Come on! Swim faster! This little shit has no idea we escaped from the condom! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!
Tara Sivec
#71. I'd rather be a complete mess with you than spend another day shattered all over the floor alone.
Tara Sivec
#72. My father had bought him a shirt
that said Sure you can date my daughter. In a completely unrelated topic,
have you seen my shotgun?
Tara Sivec
#73. When you've been hurt once, it's so hard to let go and not be afraid you won't be hurt again.
Tara Sivec
#74. I would do anything for him, even if it meant sacrificing something of myself.
Tara Sivec
#75. YOU ARE BOTH DEAD TO ME!" I shout.
"Then this is me, speaking from beyond the grave when I remind you to trim your bush while you're at it. No man needs to choke on a hairball!" Beattie yells back from down the hall.
Tara Sivec
#76. Liz asked me the other day what I thought about twice baked potatoes. How the fuck should I know? Was I supposed to be thinking about twice baked potatoes all this time? Is this where I went wrong? Are grown men supposed to have an opinion about twice baked potatoes?
Tara Sivec
#77. If you ramble enough, people will think what you're saying is true, right?
Tara Sivec
#78. I roofied you because I wanted you naked ... and afraid, Tyler says again in a sinister voice
Tara Sivec
#79. It's my fucking business when I've had my face buried between your thighs and can still taste you on my tongue.
Tara Sivec
#80. Water? At a wedding? I don't understand," he asks in confusion. "Did you invite Jesus? That's the only way that will be acceptable.
Tara Sivec
#81. I hope his penis falls off. I hope it rots and falls off inside of Miss Teen USA, therefore causing her perfect, twenty-two-year-old vagina to rot and fall out of her thong when she sneezes.
Tara Sivec
#82. Pussy punch: when a twat tap just isn't enough
Tara Sivec
#83. - I'm so happy for you, Ellie - I tell her honestly.
- I'm happy for me, too - she tells me with another laugh.
Tara Sivec
#84. I want to reach in my pants, pull out my virginity, wrap it up and put a bow on it. Or maybe stick it in a gift bag from Target and give it to him like a present with a nice card that says, Thank you for being you! Just a little virginity to show you may gratitude!
Tara Sivec
#85. It wouldn't be weird at all if I just walked up to her and ran my tongue across her shoulder, would it? I could tell her she had a piece of food there or something. Totally normal.
Tara Sivec
#86. They aren't skanks and they aren't stupid. I prefer to call them 'scantily-clad ladies with limited vocabulary.
Tara Sivec
#87. Ava is like a praying mantis on crack. She will not only chew off his head after she has sex with him, she will have sex with his headless body afterwards and then light it on fire.
Tara Sivec
#88. I never intended to be away from school that long, but I also never intended on a baby completely fucking up my life. Er, I mean, bringing me years of great joy.
Tara Sivec
#89. Absence makes the dick grow fonder, isn't that what they say?
Tara Sivec
#90. God said "Let there be light" and George morgan flipped the switch.
Tara Sivec
#91. I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you.
Tara Sivec
#92. Yes, the answer is yes! If he keeps talking to me like that he can stick it in my ear.
Tara Sivec
#93. When you were little and you were afraid of the boogey man, getting under the covers meant he couldn't see you or grab your foot while you were sleeping. True story. I figured the same rules applied with dead people watching you masturbate.
Tara Sivec
#94. My dick instantly springs to life inside my jeans. I can't help it. When Lucy gets fired up, I get turned on. It's like some Pavlov's dog shit.
Tara Sivec
#95. Dude, you've been fingering that box in your pocket all this time? I thought you had crabs or something. I was going to let you borrow my cream.
Tara Sivec
#96. Oh, sweetie, you are a jackass. I love you, but you are dumber than a one legged duck in an ass kicking contest when pigs fly.
Tara Sivec
#97. Um, tequila please?" I asked questioningly, enunciating each word as best as my drunken mouth would allow. So really, it came out as "Uff, shakira pea?
Tara Sivec
#98. I'm sorry I went away, but I DID find my way back to you and I'm never fucking leaving again." ... "It's always been you. It will ALWAYS, only be you,
Tara Sivec
#99. Your tits are like Bounty. The quicker dick picker upper.
Tara Sivec
#100. I DON'T EVEN FUCKING LIKE GREEN EGGS!
Tara Sivec
