Top 84 Spike Milligan Quotes

#1. Everybody has to be somewhere!

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #7982
#2. There are holes in the sky
Where the rain gets in,
But they're ever so small
That's why rain is thin.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #20340
#3. Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #45976
#4. Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #76325
#5. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #90461
#6. In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #95559
#7. We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #103086
#8. Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #108524
#9. A family man from Siberia
As a father was very inferior
But one operation
Revised the situation
And now he's Mother Superior

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #124990
#10. (On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #130307
#11. My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #133629
#12. General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #178526
#13. What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?"
A Bongaloo, Son," said I,
Is a tall bag of cheese
Plus a Chinaman's knees
And the leg of a nanny goat's eye

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #186054
#14. Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #194586
#15. My sister Laura's bigger than me
And lifts me up quite easily.
I can't lift her, I've tried and tried;
She must have something heavy inside.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #219538
#16. Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #256789
#17. I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #270861
#18. Well, he thought, you can fool some of the people all the time and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States, and on that useless profundity, Milligan himself pedalled on, himself, himself.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #305584
#19. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #337606
#20. Pakistani Dalek: Put him in the cur-ry

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #355711
#21. Therec all the rage, Cab Calaway wears one.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #361738
#22. If I could write words
Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
What a bonfire my letters would make.
If I could speak words of water,
You would drown when I said
I love you.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #379293
#23. I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #437771
#24. Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #447987
#25. A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #462699
#26. Busty' Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #483254
#27. Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #487606
#28. After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #491501
#29. Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #502776
#30. We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #569421
#31. Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee.
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #582246
#32. I'm a hero with coward's legs.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #601789
#33. For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #633102
#34. The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #675457
#35. It's all in the mind, you know.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #691874
#36. I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #691876
#37. Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #710172
#38. My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #718178
#39. It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #725152
#40. The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #752324
#41. A sure cure for seasickness is to stand underneath a tree.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #763457
#42. If a robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage,
How feels heaven when
Dies the billionth battery hen?

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #778290
#43. R.I.P.
Tom Conlon O'Rourke.
Not Dead, just Sleeping.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #781120
#44. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #790872
#45. I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #801787
#46. I told you I was ill. (On Millian's headstone)

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #824619
#47. Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?'
'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.'
'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #847504
#48. To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #865555
#49. A lot of learning canbe a little thing.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #883038
#50. God made nightButMan made darkness.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #904708
#51. Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #923114
#52. If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #966013
#53. The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #992911
#54. I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #994954
#55. Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #998254
#56. In the human race today, you came last.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1003775
#57. How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1009498
#58. I'm Irish. We think sideways

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1067287
#59. Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thought of it made him miserable.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1081179
#60. Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1089102
#61. One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1123006
#62. They're all the rage, Cab Calloway wears one.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1151193
#63. I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1202410
#64. Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1216968
#65. I told you I was sick.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1228930
#66. Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1267415
#67. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1318020
#68. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1328050
#69. With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1499635
#70. If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1501972
#71. This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1530579
#72. If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1543037
#73. We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1554712
#74. Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1565228
#75. My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1595783
#76. There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1622190
#77. Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1652608
#78. Patience, thought Milligan, that word was invented by dull buggers who couldn't think quick enough.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1664579
#79. I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1676666
#80. I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1691100
#81. Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1731400
#82. Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1735739
#83. Author, author, did you write these legs?( The Milligan- Puckoon

Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quotes #1843858
#84. I destroyed all my geek stuff because I didn't want to be a geek, and I regret it to this day. Consumed in the geek bonfire of the vanities was a collection of autographs and letters from Peter Cushing, Spike Milligan and Frankie Howerd, the first Doctor Whos, actual astronauts, and many more.

Peter Capaldi

Spike Milligan Quotes #1856028

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