Top 84 Spike Milligan Quotes
#2. There are holes in the sky
Where the rain gets in,
But they're ever so small
That's why rain is thin.
Spike Milligan
#3. Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
Spike Milligan
#4. Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.
Spike Milligan
#5. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Spike Milligan
#6. In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
Spike Milligan
#7. We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
Spike Milligan
#8. Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.
Spike Milligan
#9. A family man from Siberia
As a father was very inferior
But one operation
Revised the situation
And now he's Mother Superior
Spike Milligan
#11. My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
#12. General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.
Spike Milligan
#13. What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?"
A Bongaloo, Son," said I,
Is a tall bag of cheese
Plus a Chinaman's knees
And the leg of a nanny goat's eye
Spike Milligan
#14. Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light
Spike Milligan
#15. My sister Laura's bigger than me
And lifts me up quite easily.
I can't lift her, I've tried and tried;
She must have something heavy inside.
Spike Milligan
#16. Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
#18. Well, he thought, you can fool some of the people all the time and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States, and on that useless profundity, Milligan himself pedalled on, himself, himself.
Spike Milligan
#19. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan
#22. If I could write words
Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
What a bonfire my letters would make.
If I could speak words of water,
You would drown when I said
I love you.
Spike Milligan
#24. Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
#25. A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush
Spike Milligan
#26. Busty' Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.
Spike Milligan
#27. Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
#28. After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it
Spike Milligan
#29. Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
Spike Milligan
#31. Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee.
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?
Spike Milligan
#33. For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
Spike Milligan
#34. The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.
Spike Milligan
#36. I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
Spike Milligan
#37. Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
Spike Milligan
#38. My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
#39. It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
Spike Milligan
#40. The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.
Spike Milligan
#41. A sure cure for seasickness is to stand underneath a tree.
Spike Milligan
#42. If a robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage,
How feels heaven when
Dies the billionth battery hen?
Spike Milligan
#43. R.I.P.
Tom Conlon O'Rourke.
Not Dead, just Sleeping.
Spike Milligan
#44. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Spike Milligan
#45. I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.
Spike Milligan
#47. Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?'
'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.'
'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it.
Spike Milligan
#48. To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.
Spike Milligan
#52. If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.
Spike Milligan
#53. The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.
Spike Milligan
#54. I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan
#55. Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.
Spike Milligan
#59. Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thought of it made him miserable.
Spike Milligan
#60. Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant
Spike Milligan
#61. One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?
Spike Milligan
#63. I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan
#64. Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
Spike Milligan
#67. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan
#68. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
Spike Milligan
#69. With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate.
Spike Milligan
#70. If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.
Spike Milligan
#71. This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in
Spike Milligan
#72. If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
Spike Milligan
#73. We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.
Spike Milligan
#74. Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse
Spike Milligan
#75. My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
Spike Milligan
#76. There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
Spike Milligan
#77. Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.
Spike Milligan
#78. Patience, thought Milligan, that word was invented by dull buggers who couldn't think quick enough.
Spike Milligan
#80. I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
Spike Milligan
#81. Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
#82. Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
Spike Milligan
#83. Author, author, did you write these legs?( The Milligan- Puckoon
Spike Milligan
#84. I destroyed all my geek stuff because I didn't want to be a geek, and I regret it to this day. Consumed in the geek bonfire of the vanities was a collection of autographs and letters from Peter Cushing, Spike Milligan and Frankie Howerd, the first Doctor Whos, actual astronauts, and many more.
Peter Capaldi
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