Top 100 Skelton Quotes
#1. Make sure you're doing impressions of people that are still relevant, and that everyone knows. Red Skelton impressions are a little outdated.
Gabriel Iglesias
#2. I want people to say at the end of my day, you know, like I used to say about Sidney Poitier and James Cagney and Joan Crawford and Red Skelton and those guys and Bill Cosby. They did quality and substance. You always remember them.
Bernie Mac
#3. People talk about stage fright, but what scares me is not so much the going on as the going off. I only come to life when people are watching. - Red Skelton
Douglas Wissing
#4. Bob Hope, Red Skelton, and Eddie Cantor ... help us keep our balance.
Hattie McDaniel
#5. Why I was so intrigued with Red Skelton was because he was able to make you cry and laugh and the same time. That was power.
Bernie Mac
#6. What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.
Buddy Hackett
#7. To imitate a lunkhead without malice or derision is quite a feat - and Red Skelton brings it off everytime. - Humorist Leo Rosten
Douglas Wissing
#8. Comedian Red Skelton once defined Congress as "bingo with billions." These days, it's more like Russian roulette.
Lauren M. Bloom
#9. Red Skelton ... I broke into tears when I met him.
Rip Taylor
#10. Looking back, I didn't realize until years later what a huge influence Red Skelton was in my stage demeanor with the band. I mean, I always liked things that were funny, and later I realized that having a sly sense of humor was a way to get attention and even respect in school.
Jello Biafra
#11. A child's love naturally expands to encompass any person in his family that loves him.
S.R. Skelton
#13. It is dangerous to condemn stories as junk which satisfy the deep hunger of millions of people. These books are not literary art, but a great deal of what is acclaimed as literary art in our time offers no comfort or fulfillment to anybody.
Judith Skelton Grant
#14. Our country will not stand for any political plan that includes amnesty for insurgents.
Ike Skelton
#15. I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em.
Red Skelton
#16. It is vital that Iraq and the United States together send the clearest possible signal that those who commit acts of violence against American military forces and American civilians will not be rewarded with amnesty.
Ike Skelton
#17. Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton
#18. I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.
Red Skelton
#19. In the three years since our nation began operations in Iraq, more than 2,500 Americans have been killed and more than 18,000 Americans have been seriously wounded.
Ike Skelton
#20. More dreams are destroyed in bed than are ever found there.
Robin Skelton
#21. Those who have the habit of revelation lose the habit of thought.
Robin Skelton
#22. No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.
Red Skelton
#23. People think I am dead because they haven't seen me around for awhile. I'm not dead, I'm very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don't smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
Red Skelton
#24. We have global interests, potential threats from elsewhere, North Korea, Iran, Taiwan Straits and the like. We must be prepared for any future threat. That is why it is important that this be a transition year, 2006.
Ike Skelton
#25. Guard units in the U.S. are suffering severe equipment shortages which will affect their ability to respond to emergencies in their home States, such as Katrina.
Ike Skelton
#27. I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.
Red Skelton
#28. Farmers in Missouri and across the country must comply with a variety of federal, state, and local regulations as they grow the crops and raise the livestock that we depend on to feed the nation and the world.
Ike Skelton
#29. Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
Red Skelton
#30. Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.
Red Skelton
#31. Modern medical advances have helped millions of people live longer, healthier lives. We owe these improvements to decades of investment in medical research.
Ike Skelton
#32. I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose
to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.
Red Skelton
#34. Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.
Red Skelton
#36. His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad.
Red Skelton
#37. Better treatment and detection methods have also improved the survival rate for people with cancer, and for the first time in history, this year the absolute number of cancer deaths in the U.S. has decreased.
Ike Skelton
#38. It held an eye to the future and a tongue to the past.
Matthew Skelton
#39. Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Red Skelton
#40. I had opened a book that could not be closed, started a story that had no obvious conclusion. It was a tale in which I wanted to play no part.
Matthew Skelton
#41. It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.
Red Skelton
#42. Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.
Red Skelton
#43. Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?
Red Skelton
#44. Anything said off the cuff has usually been written on it first.
Robin Skelton
#45. I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.
Red Skelton
#46. The insurgents are Baathists and Sunnis in Iraq who have as their goal a separate and distinct one of toppling the government that is there and creating their own.
Ike Skelton
#47. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
Red Skelton
#49. Sometime it's more difficult to know the question than to find an answer.
Matthew Skelton
#51. For though my rhyme be ragged,
Tattered and jagged,
Rudely rain-beaten,
Rusty and moth-eaten,
If ye take well therewith,
It hath in it some pith.
John Skelton
#52. Today nearly every combat brigade located within the United States would report that they are not ready for duty. They are at the lowest levels of readiness.
Ike Skelton
#53. Love speaks with a false tongue. It kisses you in one ear, then turns with a hiss to bite the other.
Matthew Skelton
#54. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
Red Skelton
#55. He gazed thoughtfully at the piece of fabric in her hand. 'Hope' he said, and gave a little smile. 'A quality I should have thought you already possessed in abundance.
Matthew Skelton
#57. My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Red Skelton
#58. The number of attacks on the American and allied forces is at the highest level since the insurgency began despite the increase of America combat operations and the introduction of some 40 new Iraq security forces and battalions.
Ike Skelton
#59. I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.
Red Skelton
#60. If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
Red Skelton
#63. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
Red Skelton
#64. In fact, because of their connection to the land, farmers do more to protect and preserve our environment than almost anyone else. They are some of the best environmentalists around.
Ike Skelton
#65. A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '
Red Skelton
#66. I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.
Red Skelton
#67. The goal of NIH research is to acquire new knowledge to help prevent, detect, diagnose, and treat disease and disability, from the rarest genetic disorder to the common cold.
Ike Skelton
#68. All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
Red Skelton
#69. Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.
Red Skelton
#70. She smiled. "How ... cute." She chose the word rather like a candy, which she bit.
Matthew Skelton
#71. Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
Red Skelton
#72. It is the distance between us that creates language.
Robin Skelton
#73. Naked we're born, naked we'll go,
See how the vain are soon brought low.
God speed the poor boy on his way,
Fear not, we'll meet some other day.
Matthew Skelton
#74. Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Red Skelton
#75. During the 2000 election, the current administration told our military, help is on the way. That is clearly not the case. The administration has failed to request the funds needed for the defense of this Nation. We must give the Army what it needs.
Ike Skelton
#76. I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.
Red Skelton
#77. In addition to relieving patient suffering, research is needed to help reduce the enormous economic and social burdens posed by chronic diseases such as osteoporosis, arthritis, diabetes, Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases, cancer, heart disease, and stroke.
Ike Skelton
#78. I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.
Red Skelton
#79. That the Iraqi Government is considering a political deal granting amnesty to insurgents who have attacked or killed American service members is not just shocking - the idea of amnesty for insurgents is an outrage.
Ike Skelton
#80. God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.
Red Skelton
#81. A vice is merely a pleasure that someone else has objected to.
Robin Skelton
#82. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas
Red Skelton
#84. It requires less skill to love than to be loved.
Robin Skelton
#85. I only come to life when there are people watching.
Red Skelton
#86. You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.
Red Skelton
#87. Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.
Red Skelton
#88. A vice is merely a pleasure to which somebody has objected.
Robin Skelton
#90. Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap
Red Skelton
#91. I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin
Red Skelton
#92. The Government of Iraq also owes a debt to the American and coalition forces who are fighting the insurgency and helping put that country back together after decades of repression.
Ike Skelton
#93. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce
Red Skelton
#94. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
Red Skelton
#95. You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.
Red Skelton
#97. I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.
Red Skelton
#98. Some part of us still believes that men should kill.
Robin Skelton
#99. I've put on a lot of weight ... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.
Red Skelton
#100. Congress must make it clear that common animal waste will not expose farmers to liability under Superfund, while ensuring continued action to clean up legitimate hazardous waste sites around the nation.
Ike Skelton
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