Red Skelton Quotes

#1. Make sure you're doing impressions of people that are still relevant, and that everyone knows. Red Skelton impressions are a little outdated.

Gabriel Iglesias

#2. I want people to say at the end of my day, you know, like I used to say about Sidney Poitier and James Cagney and Joan Crawford and Red Skelton and those guys and Bill Cosby. They did quality and substance. You always remember them.

Bernie Mac

#3. People talk about stage fright, but what scares me is not so much the going on as the going off. I only come to life when people are watching. - Red Skelton

Douglas Wissing

#4. Bob Hope, Red Skelton, and Eddie Cantor ... help us keep our balance.

Hattie McDaniel

#5. Why I was so intrigued with Red Skelton was because he was able to make you cry and laugh and the same time. That was power.

Bernie Mac

#6. What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.

Buddy Hackett

#7. To imitate a lunkhead without malice or derision is quite a feat - and Red Skelton brings it off everytime. - Humorist Leo Rosten

Douglas Wissing

#8. Comedian Red Skelton once defined Congress as "bingo with billions." These days, it's more like Russian roulette.

Lauren M. Bloom

#9. Red Skelton ... I broke into tears when I met him.

Rip Taylor

#10. Looking back, I didn't realize until years later what a huge influence Red Skelton was in my stage demeanor with the band. I mean, I always liked things that were funny, and later I realized that having a sly sense of humor was a way to get attention and even respect in school.

Jello Biafra

#11. I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

Red Skelton

#12. God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.

Red Skelton

#13. Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Red Skelton

#14. I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em.

Red Skelton

#15. People think I am dead because they haven't seen me around for awhile. I'm not dead, I'm very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don't smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.

Red Skelton

#16. I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.

Red Skelton

#17. Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

Red Skelton

#18. Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.

Red Skelton

#19. I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose
to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

Red Skelton

#20. No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

Red Skelton

#21. Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap

Red Skelton

#22. There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

Red Skelton

#23. I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.

Red Skelton

#24. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

Red Skelton

#25. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

Red Skelton

#26. Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.

Red Skelton

#27. Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?

Red Skelton

#28. Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

Red Skelton

#29. It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.

Red Skelton

#30. Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Red Skelton

#31. His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad.

Red Skelton

#32. I left home because I was hungry.

Red Skelton

#33. I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.

Red Skelton

#34. My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

Red Skelton

#35. I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.

Red Skelton

#36. I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.

Red Skelton

#37. Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Red Skelton

#38. Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

Red Skelton

#39. Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.

Red Skelton

#40. I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

Red Skelton

#41. A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

Red Skelton

#42. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

Red Skelton

#43. Congress: Bingo with billions.

Red Skelton

#44. If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.

Red Skelton

#45. I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

Red Skelton

#46. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas

Red Skelton

#47. All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Red Skelton

#48. I've put on a lot of weight ... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

Red Skelton

#49. I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.

Red Skelton

#50. You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.

Red Skelton

#51. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

Red Skelton

#52. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

Red Skelton

#53. I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

Red Skelton

#54. Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.

Red Skelton

#55. You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.

Red Skelton

#56. I only come to life when there are people watching.

Red Skelton