Top 100 Quotes About Joan Rivers
#1. I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I'm 50. I'll try anything. Except I won't do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!
Gwyneth Paltrow
#2. On Ecstasy, Joan Rivers looks like Pamela Anderson, so imagine what Pamela Anderson looked like.
Tommy Lee
#3. So many people: Lucille Ball is the earliest incarnation of a woman I thought was funny, Joan Rivers, Roseanne, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radnor, down to current times, where you have Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Kristen Wiig.
Chelsea Peretti
#4. When Joan Rivers walked through the curtain on 'The Tonight Show,' nobody in my house was allowed to utter a sound. Her gait was full of pep and purpose and her voice unmatched.
Judy Gold
#5. I have nothing snarky to say about Joan Rivers' appearance. We should all be that happy with how we look on camera, frankly.
Julie Klausner
#6. Surgery is not going to improve your skin - all it's going to do is make you look tighter, like Joan Rivers!
Marie Helvin
#7. Oddly enough, Dame Edna is not interested in show business. Her friends in Los Angeles are mostly in the world of petroleum. She used to have some acting friends. Sadly, Joan Rivers has passed on. Larry Hagman was a close friend. A number of others.
Barry Humphries
#8. Telling Phil Hellmuth a bad beat story, is like telling Joan Rivers a Botox Story
Norman Chad
#9. Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.
Chris Rock
#11. Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.
Judy Gold
#12. I think Joan Rivers is such an untapped legend that people just don't appreciate, because they grew up with her on QVC, or they grew up with her on E!, or they grew up watching her do the things that in their minds the more prestigious comics wouldn't have taken or done.
Julie Klausner
#13. One night while Joan Rivers was bombing at the Duplex in the Village, Lenny Bruce walked in and caught her act. He sent a note backstage: 'You're right and they're wrong.
Kliph Nesteroff
#14. I don't know the secret of Mrs. Brown, but what I do know is that there are things that Mrs. Brown says and does that Brendan O'Carroll couldn't get away with. I think maybe it's a leniency that they're with an old woman. It's the old woman thing. I think secretly we all just want to be Joan Rivers.
Brendan O'Carroll
#15. Joan Rivers was a role model to comics everywhere, but especially to women. She got the first laugh and the last laugh.
Judy Gold
#16. I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
Amy Schumer
#18. Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
Dennis Miller
#19. You need to look like a lady at the Oscars. Otherwise, Joan Rivers will tear you apart. Then again, you aren't really anyone till Joan Rivers tears you apart.
Paris Hilton
#20. Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, Can we talk? Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons
#21. Researches reported that they developed a self-healing plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.
Tina Fey
#22. I would be so mad if I saw something called a memoir, and then it was Mike Birbiglia. It would be so infuriating. It's like, 'Who is this guy, and why does he have a memoir?' David Letterman could write a memoir. Joan Rivers could. I'm just a nobody. I'm a comedian and a writer.
Mike Birbiglia
#23. And when I say the Fashion Police, of course I'm speaking of the small group of screeching gay guys and fashion "experts" on that E! show led by the reanimated corpse of Joan Rivers.
Mindy Kaling
#24. As a kid, I would've loved to get a tweet from David Bowie or Joan Rivers or Tom Cruise. It's great that you can communicate with people and it's instant.
Boy George
#25. Muddy Waters he play in the river Joan Rivers she play in the mud Swami guru play in a big salad bowl Counting lettuce and chewing his cud
Tom Robbins
#26. The 'Great Walk to Beijing' was a fundraiser for my cancer center. It was a three-week trek with fellow cancer 'thrivers,' including celebrities ranging from Joan Rivers to Leeza Gibbons and Olympians.
Olivia Newton-John
#27. Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
Joan Rivers
#28. I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.
Joan Rivers
#29. I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
Joan Rivers
#30. Life does not measure up to performing ... Performing is perfect.
Joan Rivers
#32. Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.
Joan Rivers
#33. Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
Joan Rivers
#34. Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
Joan Rivers
#35. I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math - if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?
Joan Rivers
#36. Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
Joan Rivers
#37. The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.
Joan Rivers
#38. I knew I was an unwanted child when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
#39. My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.
Joan Rivers
#40. Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Joan Rivers
#41. I have to tell you that it's not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don't say 'I can't' or 'I shouldn't' or 'I'm too tired.'
Joan Rivers
#42. In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
Joan Rivers
#43. Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.
Joan Rivers
#44. There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers
#45. My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
Joan Rivers
#46. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers
#47. My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
Joan Rivers
#48. You don't marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
Joan Rivers
#49. I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian
and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
Joan Rivers
#50. Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.
Joan Rivers
#51. Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers
#52. My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.
Joan Rivers
#53. The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.
Joan Rivers
#55. Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
Joan Rivers
#57. With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
Joan Rivers
#59. I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers
#60. I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
Joan Rivers
#61. I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
Joan Rivers
#62. If you have more than a couple of kids, you're not parents - you're hoarders. And hoarding is a disorder, not a gift.
Joan Rivers
#63. It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.
Joan Rivers
#64. With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.
Joan Rivers
#65. I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Joan Rivers
#66. Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
#67. It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
#68. I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.
Joan Rivers
#69. On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
Joan Rivers
#70. My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.
Joan Rivers
#71. On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
Joan Rivers
#72. Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.
Joan Rivers
#73. Don't worry about the money. Love the process.
Joan Rivers
#74. My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
#75. I'm tired of dealing with crazies. When did it become my job to manage your mental illness?
Joan Rivers
#76. I love the way my life has fallen into place.
Joan Rivers
#77. Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride" ...
Joan Rivers
#78. My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers
#79. I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers
#80. I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
Joan Rivers
#81. Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan Rivers
#82. Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
Joan Rivers
#83. With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
Joan Rivers
#84. I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
Joan Rivers
#85. My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
Joan Rivers
#86. One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she's mean.
Joan Rivers
#87. I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
Joan Rivers
#88. My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!
Joan Rivers
#89. All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
Joan Rivers
#90. If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
Joan Rivers
#91. I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'
Joan Rivers
#92. I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
Joan Rivers
#93. Hey, you're taking up the entire sidewalk, bitch!" She scowled and yelled, "I have children!" I yelled back at her, "Well, next time give your husband a blow job and you won't! Why should I have to walk into oncoming traffic because you don't want to give a little head?
Joan Rivers
#94. My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
Joan Rivers
#95. Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
Joan Rivers
#96. I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.
Joan Rivers
#97. Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.
Joan Rivers
#98. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
Joan Rivers
#99. I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.
Joan Rivers
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