Top 42 Best Joan Rivers Quotes
#1. With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
Joan Rivers
#2. My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
Joan Rivers
#3. You don't marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
Joan Rivers
#4. I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian
and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
Joan Rivers
#5. Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.
Joan Rivers
#6. Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers
#7. My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.
Joan Rivers
#8. The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.
Joan Rivers
#10. Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
Joan Rivers
#12. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers
#14. I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers
#15. I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
Joan Rivers
#16. Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
Joan Rivers
#17. She's so fat, she's my two best friends.
Joan Rivers
#18. It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog.
Joan Rivers
#19. I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Joan Rivers
#20. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
#21. I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for "Best Special Effects."
Joan Rivers
#22. The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.
Joan Rivers
#23. I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.
Joan Rivers
#24. I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
Joan Rivers
#25. Life does not measure up to performing ... Performing is perfect.
Joan Rivers
#26. I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I'm 50. I'll try anything. Except I won't do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!
Gwyneth Paltrow
#28. Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.
Joan Rivers
#29. Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
Joan Rivers
#30. Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
Joan Rivers
#31. I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math - if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?
Joan Rivers
#32. Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
Joan Rivers
#33. Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
Joan Rivers
#34. I knew I was an unwanted child when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
#35. My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.
Joan Rivers
#36. Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Joan Rivers
#37. I have to tell you that it's not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don't say 'I can't' or 'I shouldn't' or 'I'm too tired.'
Joan Rivers
#38. On Ecstasy, Joan Rivers looks like Pamela Anderson, so imagine what Pamela Anderson looked like.
Tommy Lee
#39. In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
Joan Rivers
#40. Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.
Joan Rivers
#41. There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers
#42. My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
Joan Rivers
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