Top 100 Quotes About Joan Rivers
#1. Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
Joan Rivers
#2. I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.
Joan Rivers
#3. I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
Joan Rivers
#4. Life does not measure up to performing ... Performing is perfect.
Joan Rivers
#5. I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I'm 50. I'll try anything. Except I won't do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!
Gwyneth Paltrow
#7. Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.
Joan Rivers
#8. Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
Joan Rivers
#9. Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
Joan Rivers
#10. I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math - if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?
Joan Rivers
#11. Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
Joan Rivers
#12. The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.
Joan Rivers
#13. I knew I was an unwanted child when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
#14. My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.
Joan Rivers
#15. Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Joan Rivers
#16. I have to tell you that it's not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don't say 'I can't' or 'I shouldn't' or 'I'm too tired.'
Joan Rivers
#17. On Ecstasy, Joan Rivers looks like Pamela Anderson, so imagine what Pamela Anderson looked like.
Tommy Lee
#18. In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
Joan Rivers
#19. Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.
Joan Rivers
#20. There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers
#21. My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
Joan Rivers
#22. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers
#23. My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
Joan Rivers
#24. You don't marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
Joan Rivers
#25. I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian
and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
Joan Rivers
#26. Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.
Joan Rivers
#27. Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers
#28. My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.
Joan Rivers
#29. The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.
Joan Rivers
#31. Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
Joan Rivers
#33. With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
Joan Rivers
#35. I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers
#36. I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
Joan Rivers
#37. I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
Joan Rivers
#38. If you have more than a couple of kids, you're not parents - you're hoarders. And hoarding is a disorder, not a gift.
Joan Rivers
#39. It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.
Joan Rivers
#40. With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.
Joan Rivers
#41. I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Joan Rivers
#42. Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
#43. It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
#44. I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.
Joan Rivers
#45. On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
Joan Rivers
#46. So many people: Lucille Ball is the earliest incarnation of a woman I thought was funny, Joan Rivers, Roseanne, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radnor, down to current times, where you have Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Kristen Wiig.
Chelsea Peretti
#47. My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.
Joan Rivers
#48. On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
Joan Rivers
#49. Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.
Joan Rivers
#50. Don't worry about the money. Love the process.
Joan Rivers
#51. My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
#52. I'm tired of dealing with crazies. When did it become my job to manage your mental illness?
Joan Rivers
#53. I love the way my life has fallen into place.
Joan Rivers
#54. Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride" ...
Joan Rivers
#55. My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers
#56. I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers
#57. I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
Joan Rivers
#58. Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan Rivers
#59. Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
Joan Rivers
#60. With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
Joan Rivers
#61. I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
Joan Rivers
#62. My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
Joan Rivers
#63. One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she's mean.
Joan Rivers
#64. I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
Joan Rivers
#65. When Joan Rivers walked through the curtain on 'The Tonight Show,' nobody in my house was allowed to utter a sound. Her gait was full of pep and purpose and her voice unmatched.
Judy Gold
#66. My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!
Joan Rivers
#67. All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
Joan Rivers
#68. If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
Joan Rivers
#69. I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'
Joan Rivers
#70. I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
Joan Rivers
#71. Hey, you're taking up the entire sidewalk, bitch!" She scowled and yelled, "I have children!" I yelled back at her, "Well, next time give your husband a blow job and you won't! Why should I have to walk into oncoming traffic because you don't want to give a little head?
Joan Rivers
#72. My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
Joan Rivers
#73. Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
Joan Rivers
#74. I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.
Joan Rivers
#75. Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.
Joan Rivers
#76. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
Joan Rivers
#77. I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.
Joan Rivers
#79. People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers
#80. I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
Joan Rivers
#81. Every television show you go on is a choice.
Joan Rivers
#82. Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
Joan Rivers
#83. The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers
#84. If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
Joan Rivers
#85. Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.
Joan Rivers
#86. Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.
Joan Rivers
#87. I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
Joan Rivers
#88. I have nothing snarky to say about Joan Rivers' appearance. We should all be that happy with how we look on camera, frankly.
Julie Klausner
#89. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
Joan Rivers
#90. My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Joan Rivers
#91. The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
Joan Rivers
#92. My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.
Joan Rivers
#93. I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.
Joan Rivers
#94. Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
Joan Rivers
#95. What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
Joan Rivers
#96. Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.
Joan Rivers
#97. Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.
Joan Rivers
#98. I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir'.
Joan Rivers
#99. Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
Joan Rivers
#100. Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.
Joan Rivers
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