Top 100 Quotes About Craig Ferguson: Famous Quotes & Sayings About Craig Ferguson

#1. I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.

Andy Kindler

#2. For those who don't like Dave Letterman, there's Jay Leno; and for those who like neither, there's Craig Ferguson; and if you're still feeling undertained, there's George Lopez and Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel and - let's see, did we leave out a Jimmy?

Tom Shales

#3. There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.

Craig Ferguson

#4. I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.

Craig Ferguson

#5. Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

Craig Ferguson

#6. Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.

Craig Ferguson

#7. Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

Craig Ferguson

#8. I'm careful with money.

Craig Ferguson

#9. Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.

Craig Ferguson

#10. I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.

Craig Ferguson

#11. The Universe is very, very big.

Craig Ferguson

#12. Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.

Craig Ferguson

#13. Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

Craig Ferguson

#14. At CBS, I'm in your house. I'm mindful of that. When I do standup, you're in my home and I can say what I want to.

Craig Ferguson

#15. I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

Craig Ferguson

#16. Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.

Craig Ferguson

#17. By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

Craig Ferguson

#18. I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

Craig Ferguson

#19. I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.

Craig Ferguson

#20. I can't wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.

Craig Ferguson

#21. I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

Craig Ferguson

#22. I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

Craig Ferguson

#23. On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn't keep in touch. They're probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

Craig Ferguson

#24. It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.

Craig Ferguson

#25. I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

Craig Ferguson

#26. For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom.

Craig Ferguson

#27. In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

Craig Ferguson

#28. If you don't vote, you're a moron.

Craig Ferguson

#29. You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

Craig Ferguson

#30. Fat is where comedy is stored,

Craig Ferguson

#31. Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Craig Ferguson

#32. Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.'

Craig Ferguson

#33. Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) "Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?

Craig Ferguson

#34. This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true.
In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Craig Ferguson

#35. Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

Craig Ferguson

#36. I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

Craig Ferguson

#37. I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

Craig Ferguson

#38. The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.

Craig Ferguson

#39. The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

Craig Ferguson

#40. I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

Craig Ferguson

#41. Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Craig Ferguson

#42. Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

Craig Ferguson

#43. I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual ... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying ...

Craig Ferguson

#44. You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

Craig Ferguson

#45. I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Craig Ferguson

#46. I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

Craig Ferguson

#47. If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.

Craig Ferguson

#48. I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

Craig Ferguson

#49. Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.

Craig Ferguson

#50. Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

Craig Ferguson

#51. Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Craig Ferguson

#52. It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

Craig Ferguson

#53. Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

Craig Ferguson

#54. Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.

Craig Ferguson

#55. You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

Craig Ferguson

#56. Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.

Craig Ferguson

#57. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.
Infallibility is a sin in any man.
All laws can be broken and are.
Often.

Craig Ferguson

#58. BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too and make me clean it up.

Craig Ferguson

#59. I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

Craig Ferguson

#60. A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

Craig Ferguson

#61. There is a scene in the movie where Astrid and Hiccup fly on Toothless's back toward the island of Berk. The animation is intensely real, from the waves on the sea to wisps of wind blowing in the characters' hair. The feeling I get watching that scene is why I fly - just for that feeling.

Craig Ferguson

#62. Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.

Craig Ferguson

#63. Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

Craig Ferguson

#64. I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

Craig Ferguson

#65. I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

Craig Ferguson

#66. Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

Craig Ferguson

#67. You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

Craig Ferguson

#68. He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

Craig Ferguson

#69. I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

Craig Ferguson

#70. Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet ...

Craig Ferguson

#71. There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

Craig Ferguson

#72. The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed

Craig Ferguson

#73. People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Craig Ferguson

#74. That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

Craig Ferguson

#75. The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

Craig Ferguson

#76. For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

Craig Ferguson

#77. I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day.
Whoever I had become had to die.

Craig Ferguson

#78. I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Craig Ferguson

#79. Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.

Craig Ferguson

#80. It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.

Craig Ferguson

#81. The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

Craig Ferguson

#82. Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

Craig Ferguson

#83. Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.

Craig Ferguson

#84. I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.

Craig Ferguson

#85. A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.

Craig Ferguson

#86. Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.

Craig Ferguson

#87. I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

Craig Ferguson

#88. Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012

Craig Ferguson

#89. The term Big Brother is from George Orwell's book 1984 - where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like Creepy Uncle?

Craig Ferguson

#90. In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

Craig Ferguson

#91. Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office ... You mean the one on the sofa?

Craig Ferguson

#92. Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

Craig Ferguson

#93. When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.

Craig Ferguson