Quotes About Ambrose Bierce

#1. On June 23, 1864, Ambrose Bierce was in command of a skirmish line of Union soldiers at Kennesaw Mountain in northern Georgia. He'd been a soldier for three years and, in that time, had been commended by his superiors for his efficiency and bravery during battle.

Victor LaValle

#2. No formal course in fiction-writing can equal a close and observant perusal of the stories of Edgar Allan Poe or Ambrose Bierce.

H.P. Lovecraft

#3. GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Chet Williamson

#4. Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.

Ambrose Bierce

#5. While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor guide.

Ambrose Bierce

#6. The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.

Ambrose Bierce

#7. MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

Ambrose Bierce

#8. Introduction - a social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.

Ambrose Bierce

#9. VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit.

Ambrose Bierce

#10. PALM, n. A species of tree ... of which the familiar "itching palm" ("Palma hominis") is most widely distributed ... This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece of gold or silver.

Ambrose Bierce

#11. When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with circumspection; thine own is open at thy feet.

Ambrose Bierce

#12. TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.

Ambrose Bierce

#13. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.

Ambrose Bierce

#14. ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection.

Ambrose Bierce

#15. MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.

Ambrose Bierce

#16. DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.

Ambrose Bierce

#17. Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Ambrose Bierce

#18. RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who utters them.

Ambrose Bierce

#19. EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.

Ambrose Bierce

#20. In the presence of death reason and philosophy are silent

Ambrose Bierce

#21. You cannot adopt politics as a profession and remain honest.

Ambrose Bierce

#22. HASH: There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.

Ambrose Bierce

#23. RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself.

Ambrose Bierce

#24. He laughs best who laughs least.

Ambrose Bierce

#25. A pessimist asked God for relief. Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness, said God. No, replied the petitioner, I wish you to create something that would justify them. The world is all created,said God, but you have overlooked something

Ambrose Bierce

#26. Even the laws of justice themselves cannot subsist without mixture of injustice.

Ambrose Bierce

#27. According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.

Ambrose Bierce

#28. But a voting-machine that human ingenuity can not pervert, human ingenuity can not invent. That

Ambrose Bierce

#29. DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed ... deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life.

Ambrose Bierce

#30. SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.

Ambrose Bierce

#31. In this world one must have a name; it prevents confusion, even when it does not establish identity. Some, though, are known by numbers, which also seem inadequate distinctions.

Ambrose Bierce

#32. Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

Ambrose Bierce

#33. BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker.

Ambrose Bierce

#34. PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.

Ambrose Bierce

#35. OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.

Ambrose Bierce

#36. Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Ambrose Bierce

#37. Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

Ambrose Bierce

#38. NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.

Ambrose Bierce

#39. You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

Ambrose Bierce

#40. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity

Ambrose Bierce

#41. The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.

Ambrose Bierce

#42. DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.

Ambrose Bierce

#43. WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven.

Ambrose Bierce

#44. UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only.

Ambrose Bierce

#45. MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.

Ambrose Bierce

#46. Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Ambrose Bierce

#47. PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.

Ambrose Bierce

#48. TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.

Ambrose Bierce

#49. Picture, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.

Ambrose Bierce

#50. WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.

Ambrose Bierce

#51. LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp."

Ambrose Bierce

#52. Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.

Ambrose Bierce

#53. The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.

Ambrose Bierce

#54. Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen.

Ambrose Bierce

#55. Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Ambrose Bierce

#56. SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.

Ambrose Bierce

#57. Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Ambrose Bierce

#58. Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Ambrose Bierce

#59. Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

Ambrose Bierce

#60. Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.

Ambrose Bierce

#61. WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can be made; ... also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread "per capita" of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable.

Ambrose Bierce

#62. Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

Ambrose Bierce

#63. PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

Ambrose Bierce

#64. MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to the development of our language.

Ambrose Bierce

#65. Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

Ambrose Bierce

#66. Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.

Ambrose Bierce

#67. MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt.

Ambrose Bierce

#68. RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.

Ambrose Bierce

#69. PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.

Ambrose Bierce

#70. CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work.

Ambrose Bierce

#71. Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.

Ambrose Bierce

#72. An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

Ambrose Bierce

#73. Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.

Ambrose Bierce

#74. Finance is the art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager

Ambrose Bierce

#75. Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

Ambrose Bierce

#76. Cannon: An instrument used in the rectification of national boundaries.

Ambrose Bierce

#77. DISABUSE, v.t. To present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed advantageous to embrace.

Ambrose Bierce

#78. SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent.

Ambrose Bierce

#79. Death is a dignitary who when he comes announced is to be received with formal manifestations of respect, even by those most familiar with him. In the code of military etiquette silence and fixity are forms of deference.

Ambrose Bierce

#80. YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.

Ambrose Bierce

#81. He did all of this without thinking but with care.

Ambrose Bierce

#82. Empty wine bottles have a bad opinion of women.

Ambrose Bierce

#83. Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.

Ambrose Bierce

#84. Adore, v.t. To venerate expectantly.

Ambrose Bierce

#85. Predicament, n. The wage of consistency.

Ambrose Bierce

#86. Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

Ambrose Bierce

#87. CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.

Ambrose Bierce

#88. CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

Ambrose Bierce

#89. IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.

Ambrose Bierce

#90. Aborigines, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

Ambrose Bierce

#91. To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.

Ambrose Bierce

#92. Religions are conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises.

Ambrose Bierce

#93. We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.

Ambrose Bierce

#94. BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.

Ambrose Bierce

#95. Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.

Ambrose Bierce

#96. ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude ...

Ambrose Bierce

#97. GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.

Ambrose Bierce

#98. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of their proponents.

Ambrose Bierce

#99. The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.

Ambrose Bierce

#100. A less popular name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.

Ambrose Bierce