Top 100 Pilkington Quotes
#1. I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.
Karl Pilkington
#2. Animals look from Napoleon to Pilkington, from man to pig back to man, they find that they are unable to tell the difference.
George Orwell
#3. I bought an Apple iPad and it was out of date sooner than a real apple would have been. We
Karl Pilkington
#4. I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage.
Karl Pilkington
#5. To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.
Karl Pilkington
#7. The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now.
Karl Pilkington
#8. The only memory I have was how the wrestler's balls that were thrust into my face left a saltiness on my lips. At first I assumed it was from the tacos, and then I realised I'd not eaten any today. I
Karl Pilkington
#11. It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep
Karl Pilkington
#13. from the ceiling but made little difference. I sat wondering if it was part of Brazilian tradition to invite someone to stay but then fuck off out for the evening. Seems a bit odd to me. I
Karl Pilkington
#14. If Camels are the ship of the dessert, this one is the Titanic
Karl Pilkington
#16. Whether it's a relationship or a toaster that's broken, they just replace it. You're bound to fall out and have arguments and you should work at getting the relationship back together, but nobody wants to any more.
Karl Pilkington
#17. I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.
Karl Pilkington
#18. Fishing: I don't really like it. I don't really like the expression on the fish's face.
Karl Pilkington
#19. It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.
Karl Pilkington
#22. But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.
Karl Pilkington
#24. the bus was running late, but in truth this was no surprise. Delhi probably got its name from the word 'delay'.
Karl Pilkington
#26. A block of blood should not have the word "cake" after it ... they might as well say "shite gateau
Karl Pilkington
#27. The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.
Karl Pilkington
#28. All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.
Karl Pilkington
#29. The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then.
Karl Pilkington
#30. And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.
Karl Pilkington
#31. Now sometimes I don't know if I feel well. Because I've been in my body for years.
Karl Pilkington
#32. You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge.
Karl Pilkington
#33. Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else.
Karl Pilkington
#34. Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.
Karl Pilkington
#35. I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes?
Karl Pilkington
#36. It's easier to have a go at something again when you failed at it as you've got nowt to lose.
Karl Pilkington
#37. To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?
Karl Pilkington
#39. I always have a problem liking things that I'm told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the 'Great' Wall of China annoys me. I'll decide if it's great or not. It might end up being the 'All Right Wall of China' to me.
Karl Pilkington
#40. This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren't enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.
Karl Pilkington
#41. Heaven? Floating about with everyone you ever knew for eternity? Me family does me 'ed in after one day at xmas, I'd rather be mush.
Karl Pilkington
#42. It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.
Karl Pilkington
#43. You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad
Karl Pilkington
#45. I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.
Karl Pilkington
#46. Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.
Karl Pilkington
#48. Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday - what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.
Karl Pilkington
#49. I had a coconut on the way, which was another first for me. A drink and food all in one. It didn't look like the normal coconuts you win at fairgrounds. There was no hair on it. I don't know if that's how they grow here or if it's that Brazilians hate hair on anything and they've waxed them.
Karl Pilkington
#50. People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?
Karl Pilkington
#51. Love can make the difference between life and death.I've seen how powerful love can be.
Paul Pilkington
#52. Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.
Karl Pilkington
#53. I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.
Karl Pilkington
#54. If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.
Karl Pilkington
#55. Honestly, all the trouble Noah went to saving the animals two by two and now we're making handbags out of them. I
Karl Pilkington
#56. Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain?
Karl Pilkington
#58. At the end of the day, teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein, 'cause it was never gonna happen. We can't all be brainy, can we? That's just the way the world is.
Karl Pilkington
#59. If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.
Karl Pilkington
#60. With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.
Karl Pilkington
#61. I'm useless in water. I wake up at night drowning in my own saliva.
Karl Pilkington
#62. I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling.
Karl Pilkington
#63. Reputation ... is as often gained without merit as lost without a crime ...
Laetitia Pilkington
#64. The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos ... but we never saw his wife.
Karl Pilkington
#65. I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.
Karl Pilkington
#66. I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.
Karl Pilkington
#67. My mam told me not to tell many people about not being christened, as she said I would be a prime target for witches. To this day I don't know what she meant by that.
Karl Pilkington
#69. I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.
Karl Pilkington
#71. Had a wee in the Amazon. Until Richard told me I should be careful because there are some tiny fish that can swim up from the water through my urine and into my knob! Is that how amazing the Amazon is? The fish in there would really rather live in my knob than the river.
Karl Pilkington
#72. I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.
Karl Pilkington
#73. It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.
Karl Pilkington
#75. I don't think I've ever felt this lost, even in Wales.
Karl Pilkington
#76. We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.
Karl Pilkington
#79. A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say, it becomes compromised.
Karl Pilkington
#80. You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.
Karl Pilkington
#81. [Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.
Karl Pilkington
#82. Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.
Karl Pilkington
#83. I don't understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.
Karl Pilkington
#84. By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.
Karl Pilkington
#87. If you're worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I'd say your life's pretty good
Karl Pilkington
#88. Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.
Karl Pilkington
#89. In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.
Karl Pilkington
#90. I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.
Karl Pilkington
#91. That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.
Karl Pilkington
#92. Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.
Karl Pilkington
#93. The great pyramid is overrated. It's a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge, but the bedroom is going to be tiny.
Karl Pilkington
#95. I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?
Karl Pilkington
#96. People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?
Karl Pilkington
#97. When a swinging sin is to be committed, there is nothing like a gown and a cassock to cover it.
Laetitia Pilkington
#98. One of my wisdom teeth is playing up. My dentist said it is known to happen with some people when they're stressed. My teeth seem to know I'm stressed before I do. Maybe that's why they're called wisdom teeth.
Karl Pilkington
#99. They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle ... get it locked up.
Karl Pilkington
#100. People who live in glass houses ... have to answer the door.
Karl Pilkington
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
