Top 100 Nick Offerman Quotes
#1. Nick Offerman is my hero. He just cracks me up. He's so funny, but he's a true actor, too - he's bringing so much when he's onscreen.
Chris Pratt
#2. If I had more time, I'd watch more woodworking or home-improvement shows, but, not enough hours in the day.
Nick Offerman
#3. Personal experience is the surest method by which one can determine the truth of a supposition, no matter how reputable the reporter, since so many experiences are subject to individual proclivities.
Nick Offerman
#4. Auditioning for television shows - to find a guy who has a lot of experience as a laborer is a bit of an anomaly. We do exist.I know several other actors who have made their living, instead of a waitress job, framing houses or blacktopping roads.
Nick Offerman
#5. I can tell you I've crunched the numbers time and time again; it is always more fun to have eight people with one beer than one man with eight beers.
Nick Offerman
#6. Whatever it is you like to do, that's the sexiest part of you.
Nick Offerman
#7. Now, there are things I like just fine about church, and I don't just mean making money. The notion of getting together as a community to remind ourselves why we shouldn't behave like animals is a fucking great idea.
Nick Offerman
#9. If properly dried and trimmed, New York-style pizza could be used to make a box for Chicago-style pizza.
Nick Offerman
#10. I spent a lot of my youth working outside in the elements, and I kind of revel in defeating tough weather.
Nick Offerman
#11. If you always have something in your life that you're trying to improve upon, then every day you have a reason to get out of bed, and you have a reason to achieve something and feel good.
Nick Offerman
#12. If you don't look at yourself and evaluate it, you instead see how the world's reacting to it.
Nick Offerman
#13. The technique is: Let the others go first. At the airport, at the grocery store, at the Pleasure Chest (hey-o!). The calmer I become, the more I enjoy my day. The more I enjoy my day, the more people enjoy me and the more they want to see me in my enjoyment.
Nick Offerman
#14. When I use weed creatively, I'm much better at drawing or making something or playing music. But what I do for a living is mostly performing as an actor or writing, and for those things I need to have my faculties sharp.
Nick Offerman
#15. Before people figured out I was funny, I got cast quite a bit as either a rapist or serial killer or the guy who catches those people.
Nick Offerman
#16. It's taken me a lot of years to peel away my own layers.
Nick Offerman
#17. I've never met anyone nicer than my mom, and I've met Donny and Marie.
Nick Offerman
#18. When we think of an actor, we think of a tanned, frosted-tipped, model-looking guy. We don't think of a plumber.
Nick Offerman
#19. When I arrive in Los Angeles in the entertainment community, and I use implements like a shovel and a hammer, our society has distanced itself so far from working with its hands that those incredibly pedestrian skills are perceived as somehow being extraordinary.
Nick Offerman
#20. I was drinking a lot of bourbon. I was miserable. I was starting to get work, but it wasn't remotely satisfying. It was garbage compared to the theater I was doing.
Nick Offerman
#21. If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.
Nick Offerman
#22. The quest for the next key art awards begins with tomorrow's hangover
Nick Offerman
#24. I am always so happy to be at 'SNL.' I still feel like a kid when I'm there, like I can't believe I'm watching them make the show.
Nick Offerman
#25. Being a man of the theater and a hedonist, I find the idea of building coffins very romantic.
Nick Offerman
#26. I have a Kenwood charcoal grill. In our house, if anybody is cooking, it's me. I love making burgers. I love making pork tenderloin. Lamb chops I do on the grill a lot. But you just can't beat brats.
Nick Offerman
#27. Love one another, make something with your hands, and exalt the farmer.
Nick Offerman
#28. I always had a lot of confidence in my work and the unique flavor I like to bring to my characters, but you know I'm not a huge dreamer.
Nick Offerman
#29. I have a wonderfully hedonistic appetite, and if I wasn't really strict with myself, I'd weigh 300 pounds. I'm not good with moderation.
Nick Offerman
#30. Damn it all, you have been given a life on this beautiful planet! Get off your ass and do something!
Nick Offerman
#31. For years I drove a big Ford F250 pickup. That was my ride because two-thirds of my work was wood work, and I'm always driving up to Northern California, where I harvest salvaged trees.
Nick Offerman
#32. I learned the word non-conformist in fourth grade and immediately announced that I would grow up to become one.
Nick Offerman
#33. You know, even working actors can end up having a lot of spare time. And you can either go sit at the Starbucks and wait for your agent to call you, or you can go learn how to build a Shaker blanket chest with hand-cut dovetails.
Nick Offerman
#34. I always drastically changed my look for each role. It's gotten a little tedious in real life, also, because there's no hiding.
Nick Offerman
#35. I have a very healthy growth of both head and facial hair. People always want to attribute further superhuman powers to me. It's funny the way the audience really seems to want me, Nick the actor, to exhibit the same machismo as Ron Swanson.
Nick Offerman
#36. I learned in my early years in the theater that I would never become the guy on top. I'll never create a show; I don't have a brain expansive enough to see the whole picture, in a way that would behoove anyone.
Nick Offerman
#37. Whatever the adversity, if a man is on hand to provide ease to a lady's cause, I think he's a shitheel if he stands idly by when she could use an umbrella, a handkerchief, or a steady arm.
Nick Offerman
#38. I just always had a penchant for performing for people.I'm a jackass clown.
Nick Offerman
#39. There are men who love out-of-doors who yet never open a book; and other men who love books but to whom . . . nature is a sealed volume. . . . Nevertheless among those men whom I have known the love of books and the love of the outdoors, in their highest expressions, have usually gone hand in hand.
Nick Offerman
#40. I grew up in a small town in Illinois, and my dad was a basketball coach. Thanks to him, I have excellent fundamentals in both basketball and baseball.
Nick Offerman
#41. My life is always more delicious when I have whiskers on my face, but that might just be because those whiskers tend to accumulate bacon crumbs and scotch, rendering them literally delicious all day long.
Nick Offerman
#43. People keep referring to me as a standup, and that just doesn't sit well with me because a lot of my friends are standups and they're brilliant at writing jokes, and I'm not.
Nick Offerman
#44. I'm obsessed with the Victorian era and the British Royal Navy ... I'd love to play a troubled sailor or captain or a boatman on a three masted ship.
Nick Offerman
#45. Of course smartphones are brilliant inventions, but the nefarious thing about Twitter and other social media is that it starts to fill all the gaps in your day. I quickly become an addict.
Nick Offerman
#46. I like to play women who are not strong at all, because, there's certainly plenty of myself that is no kind of a warrior.
Nick Offerman
#47. My uncles, who are farmers in Minooka, Illinois - I grew up with them and their pickup trucks and mustaches, and to me that was masculinity: big hairy sweaty guys who could pick up a bus.
Nick Offerman
#48. And one of our vocabulary words was nonconformist. I just dug that word. I heard the explanation, the definition, and I felt like I had just learned about a new hero in a kick-ass Marvel comic book.
Nick Offerman
#49. I think the Bible is largely an amazing and beautiful book of fictional stories from which we can glean the most wholesome lessons about how to treat one another decently.
Nick Offerman
#50. It's hard to swallow when people say, "Oh my God, you're a master of something." I say, "No, I'm actually a student of that. I could turn you on to websites for 25 masters, and you'll quickly see that I am their disciple."
Nick Offerman
#51. As The Book of the SubGenius (the main text of a hilarious faux religion based in Dallas - get The Book of the SubGenius) says, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke," right?
Nick Offerman
#52. When things get bad enough, all you can do is laugh.
Nick Offerman
#53. Choose your favorite spade and dig a small, deep hole, located deep in the forest or a desolate area of the desert or tundra. Bury your cell phone and then find a hobby.
Nick Offerman
#54. I've never seen a theater community to rival that of Chicago. Neither New York nor L.A. has the raw talent or integrity that Chicago theater has, and I think it's because Chicago doesn't have Broadway or the film and TV business to distract it.
Nick Offerman
#55. Not only do I recommend [Wendell] Berry to anyone who will talk to me for more than seven seconds, but I buy his books in quantity and send them to people. I bought a few dozen of his newest, "Our Only World."
Nick Offerman
#56. One of the most poignant pieces of recent science fiction for me was the portrayal of the adults in the Pixar film WALL-E. I feel like we're on the cusp of becoming fat babies in floating chairs being fed everything in shake form, and I feel like I am as prone to laziness as anybody.
Nick Offerman
#57. There's a lot of common sense ... which I feel like we have lost touch with.
Nick Offerman
#58. Pursue decency in all dealings with your fellow man and woman. Simply put? Don't be an asshole.
Nick Offerman
#59. If you're an original thinker, you are going get told 'no' a lot, and you have to be able to hear 'no' many times from the bankers and trust that at some point, someone is going to recognize that you are an artist and not a can of soda.
Nick Offerman
#60. The fact that I have a job that people even watch is an incredible gift.
Nick Offerman
#61. I always call myself a "student" of the guitar.
Nick Offerman
#62. If you want to be happy in life, consider yourself a student. Every day of your life, think: how can I improve?
Nick Offerman
#63. My family has schoolteachers and librarians, and I think people who teach are probably some of our greatest American heroes. Certainly, underpaid and unsung.
Nick Offerman
#64. I grew up among farmers in Illinois and so you always have to have the tools you might need in the eventuality of a flat tire or a broken window.
Nick Offerman
#65. Figure out what you love to do, then figure out how to get paid to do it.
Nick Offerman
#66. You know, it's hard to beat bacon at anytime of day. But I also am a big fan of corned beef hash.
Nick Offerman
#67. I won't read a new graphic comic novel until the writer has completed the entire series. I got burned a few times when I got turned on to a book, plowed through it only to find out the author was in the middle of writing the next.
Nick Offerman
#68. I never went too long without a job. The problem was a lot of the early jobs are almost more demoralizing than unemployment.
Nick Offerman
#69. Whenever I have a stubborn position on something, I take a deep breath and swallow myself.
Nick Offerman
#70. Meat is a big deal in my life. I do love breakfast food, but I don't think that's extraordinary. I'm a normal American. We love eggs and meat and potatoes and gravy.
Nick Offerman
#71. Banding together with others to achieve a common pursuit cannot help but engender a strong feeling of community, whether you're baling hay or mounting A Chorus Line in a tiny theater space.
Nick Offerman
#72. We didn't have to do anything to have a good time. It's an incredible gift to be able to make your own fun.
Nick Offerman
#73. I also grew up building theatrical scenery. I spent many years building scenery as a large part of my income and that allowed me to really develop my shop skills.
Nick Offerman
#74. My career is inexplicable to me. So far I've just been not getting fired despite being myself.
Nick Offerman
#75. I've been working steadily as an actor since around 1998. I wasn't well known in the public, but I was a dependable working journeyman.
Nick Offerman
#76. Actually, I'm not super-kickass at a lot of things.
Nick Offerman
#77. Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something
Nick Offerman
#78. Marijuana is quite possibly the finest of intoxicants. It has been scientifically proven, for decades, to be much less harmful to the body than alcohol when used on a regular basis (Google "Science").
Nick Offerman
#79. I would like Americans to make things with their hands. Thomas Jefferson and I feel that makes for a much stronger nation.
Nick Offerman
#80. I have a ridiculously beautiful wife who's super sexy, and as long as she's happy with me, I don't need to look in the mirror and think, "How do I stack up next to Bradley Cooper? Would Cooper rock this shirt?" Doesn't matter. He does not have your wife. You do.
Nick Offerman
#81. I've had to learn and discipline myself that I'm much happier and much less depressed if I give myself a project. It's just that simple.
Nick Offerman
#82. Theater, to me, is always a bigger turn on than film. It's alive.
Nick Offerman
#83. We have such an embarrassment of riches when it comes to choice. Do you want to hike in the Alps? There are 300 pairs of shoes you can order within the next 10 minutes. You have your choice of everything.
Nick Offerman
#84. I really thought that I'd be doing Shakespeare, honest to God. I did not foresee the whole action television thing. That was God's joke.
Nick Offerman
#85. Let's just say I can never be cast again after Ron Swanson. Then I have a life of theater and woodworking and my wife to look forward to, and that doesn't make me anything but very happy.
Nick Offerman
#86. Really, all religious teachings can be boiled down to: Just be cool. Don't be an asshole.
Nick Offerman
#87. I come from the theater, where I got into acting because I love transforming. I love nothing more than to be unrecognizable.
Nick Offerman
#88. Men and women alike, if you think that altering the tip of your nose with surgery will make you happier, I would suggest you alter something much more malleable than your flesh, like your priorities, or your friends.
Nick Offerman
#89. When I got to Los Angeles, I started building cabins in peoples' yards, building post-and-beam structures and cutting the joinery for those.
Nick Offerman
#90. A lot of people find themselves in the entertainment business - or perhaps society steers them toward it - because they're beautiful.
Nick Offerman
#91. Children are so egocentric - they want to watch their lives, and not yours.
Nick Offerman
#92. Find out what makes you kinder, what opens you up and brings out the most loving, generous, and unafraid version of you - and go after those things as if nothing else matters. Because, actually, nothing else does.
Nick Offerman
#93. I don't get nominated, and I have to say, I've probably gotten the greatest mass of press in my life through not getting nominated. It's definitely been a winning situation as far as I'm concerned.
Nick Offerman
#94. Don't use barbiturates before going on stage. And be honest.
Nick Offerman
#95. Just stand up for your principals and be loyal to your friends and family.
Nick Offerman
#96. When I was in high school, I would perform every year in those plays and there was something I really loved about it. But I was completely unaware that you could sort of get into an acting career.
Nick Offerman
#97. When I first met with agents, they said, "Okay, you're going to play plumbers and mechanics and bus drivers and farmers. Go."
Nick Offerman
#98. My education began in theater school, and it continues to this day. I just continued learning to be a better performer.
Nick Offerman
#99. I made an executive decision in college when I learned how behind I was in the world of books, films, and music because of my rural upbringing. I really reduced the amount of time that sports took up in my life.I still have some Faulkner to get through.
Nick Offerman
#100. I think the whole thing is kind of sad, honestly, in the same way that our civilization - particularly the consumers of pop culture - has grown so used to an emasculated, bare-chested leading man that something like simply growing a mustache can impress people.
Nick Offerman
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