Top 100 Mort's Quotes
#1. So what did you bring? Lip gloss and a hairbrush?"
Smirking, she unpacked the sandwiches Mort's cook had made for her, along with an ample slice of chocolate cake. "You owe me an apology."
"Omigod, it's a feast! Okay, you're forgiven.
Jana Oliver
#2. Do something!" Norwood told him.
"Do what?" Uncle Mort's face was furious. "Fly up there and get it? You bring your broomstick, Hel?
Gina Damico
#3. Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution ... looking for a loophole.
Mort Sahl
#4. The topics which language limits us to aren't much worth discussing in the first place.
(attrib: F.L. Vanderson)
Mort W. Lumsden
#5. Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.
Mort Sahl
#6. But as I listened to my various mentors argue away the afternoon, I finally caught on to the basic point of it all. With chocolate, there are no straight answers. There are only strongly held opinions.
Mort Rosenblum
#7. I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.
Mort Sahl
#8. The people who were against the Vietnam War thought I was attacking the Army. The guys in the Army thought I was representing their experiences. I was on both sides, and I survived.
Mort Walker
#9. L'ide e qu'on mourra est plus cruelle que mourir, mais moins que l'ide e qu'un autre est mort. The idea of dying is worse than dying itself, but less cruel than the idea that another has died.
Marcel Proust
#10. The shock of orgasm pulls you under the wave you never saw coming. It wrestles you to the point of exhaustion and allows you to breathe only when you've died la petite mort. When you've given all and received everything in return.
Megan Mitcham
#12. I say, if you believe what you read in the comic strips, then you believe that mice run around with little gold buttons on their red pants and drive cars.
Mort Walker
#13. I didn't know growing up what I wanted to do. I finally settled on broadcast journalism as a way to satisfy the urge to perform and also do something important, which is to give people in a democracy information to make good decisions.
Mort Crim
#14. Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.
Mort Sahl
#15. Will Rogers ... used to come out with a newspaper and pretend he was a
yokel criticizing the intellectuals who ran the government. I come out with
a newspaper and pretend I'm an intellectual making fun of the yokels
running the government.
Mort Sahl
#16. What I love most about nature is how indifferent it is to us humans and human suffering. While we are here with our little or big tragedies - the wind is blowing, the leaves are rustling in the trees, the flowers bloom, and die - there's a great comfort in that indifference,
Valzhyna Mort
#17. To make a poem, take one newspaper, one pair of scissors, snip the words one by one and put them in a bag. Shake gently, draw them out at random, and copy them conscientiously ... DADA est mort. DADA est idiot. Vive DADA!
Tristan Tzara
#18. Who sees the death blinds the death. (Qui voit la mort - Aveugle la mort)
Charles De Leusse
#19. Massoud is dead, but not the hope ! (Massoud est mort, - Mais pas l'espoir !)
Charles De Leusse
#20. W. Kamau Bell is in the vanguard of a new era of American comedy for an unsettling, troubling, and strangely hopeful time. Firmly in the fearless tradition of Mort Sahl, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, & Chris Rock. Comedy as common sense purged of the absurd hypocrisy that is Our America.
Vernon Reid
#21. Lex was about to ask what in the dickens that was supposed to mean, but then Uncle Mort nodded at Wicket in a secretive manner, which roughly translated as 'Screw you and your curiosities, Lex. We're telling you NOTHING.
Gina Damico
#23. But Mort caught me before I even left the house and insisted on taking me himself, figuring that I would probably go and investigate on my own no matter how many times he stopped me."
"Little Driggs sounds a lot like me," Said Lex.
"Please don't besmirch his memory.
Gina Damico
#24. Vampires were fairy tales and magic. They were the wolf in the forest that ran ahead to grandmother's house, the video game big boss who could be hunted without guilt, the monster that tempted you into its bed, the powerful eternal beast one might become. The beautiful dead, la belle mort.
Holly Black
#25. Everything I know, I write about. My only research is what I did.
Mort Walker
#26. You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.
Mort Sahl
#27. We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man
Mort Sahl
#29. I'm a very ordinary man who's worked and fed like everyone else. I'm no longer afraid of dying, but death doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, now that I can see no point in living. I'm afraid he's forgotten me.
Emile Zola
#31. If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
Mort Sahl
#32. Let's walk down the road that has no end
Steal away where only angels tread
Heaven or hell or somewhere in between
Cross your heart to take me when you leave
Don't go
Please don't go
Don't go without me
The Civil Wars
#33. Goodbye," Mort said, and was surprised to find a lump in his throat. "It's such an unpleasant word, isn't it?" QUITE SO. Death grinned because, as has so often been remarked, he didn't have much option. But possibly he meant it, this time. I PREFER AU REVOIR, he said.
Terry Pratchett
#34. THIS IS THE CITY, BOY, said Death. WHAT DO YOU THINK? "It's very big," said Mort, uncertainly. "I mean, why does everyone want to live all squeezed together like this?" Death shrugged. I LIKE IT, he said. IT'S FULL OF LIFE.
Anonymous
#35. Hillary's explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?
Mort Sahl
#36. And he goes around killing people?" said Mort. He shook his head. "There's no justice."
Death sighed. No, he said ... there's just me.
Terry Pratchett
#37. President Bush bet his presidency-and America's world leadership-on the war in Iraq. Tragically, it looks as though he bit off more than the American people were willing to chew.
Mort Kondracke
#38. But in the book," I say, "the mockingbird is supposed to be a symbol of innocence. That's why it's a sin to kill one."
"Who says it's a symbol of innocence?" asks Mort.
"Teachers," I tell him. "Book reviewers, critics --"
"Wikipedia," Elena calls from behind the window display.
Paul Acampora
#39. Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
Mort Sahl
#40. If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
Mort Sahl
#41. Mort glanced sideways at the top of Ysabell's dress, which contained enough puppy fat for two litters of Rottweilers, and forbore to comment.
Terry Pratchett
#42. Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.
Mort Sahl
#43. Pray note that my chest does not appear to be a toast rack in a wet paper bag.
Mort glanced sideways at the top of Ysabell's dress, which contained enough puppy fat for two litters of Rotweilers, and forbore to comment.
Terry Pratchett
#44. There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!
Mort Sahl
#45. Practically every day, there is a story in the newspapers about a new breakthrough drug on Parkinson's.
Mort Kondracke
#46. A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
Mort Sahl
#47. Who underestimates is buried in the optimism of the deads. (Qui sous-estime s'enterre - Dans l'optimisme des morts.)
Charles De Leusse
#48. A political satirist's job is to draw blood. I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government.
Mort Sahl
#49. Mort moved my ending to the beginning, took out all the adjectives, cut the whole thing in half, and made it one hundred percent better.
'That's how it's done,' he said. Best writing lesson I ever had.
Anita Diamant
#50. The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on. *1958
Mort Sahl
#51. Ward Churchill might be more valuable to the opponents of the academic left employed than unemployed. Above all, he can serve as a living window into the intellectual, moral, and political bankruptcy of the left.
Mort Kondracke
#52. I was kicked out of The Stars And Stripes twice, and finally got back in.
Mort Walker
#53. Swan dive down eleven stories high
Hold your breath until you see the light
You can sink to the bottom of the sea
Just don't go without me
The Civil Wars
#54. Dance with me, Celaena, he said again, his voice rough. When her eyes met his she forgot about the cold, and the moon, and the glass palace looming above them. The secret library and the king's plans and Mort and Elena faded into nothing. She took his hand and there was only the music and Chaol.
Sarah J. Maas
#55. We were just showering," Lex muttered.
"Of course," Uncle Mort said. "Everyone knows how impossible it is to zestfully clean without assistance.
Gina Damico
#56. They're always telling folk how much better it's going to be when they're dead. We tell them it could be pretty good right here if only they'd put their minds to it.' Mort
Terry Pratchett
#57. I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
Mort Sahl
#58. The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
Mort Sahl
#59. Mort(e) is wonderful and weird, never saccharine and always startling.
Cat Rambo
#60. Research is what it's going to take to cure all these diseases.
Mort Kondracke
#61. And so Mort came at last to the river Ankh, greatest of rivers. Even before it entered the city, it was slow and heavy with the silt of the plains, and by the time it got to The Shades even an agnostic could have walked across it. It was hard to drown in the Ankh, but easy to suffocate.
Terry Pratchett
#62. Don't you find it odd that two of the foremost symptoms of insanity are the hearing voices and talking to oneself? Is it any wonder that language is an area of such interest in psychology?
(attrib: F.L. Vanderson)
Mort W. Lumsden
#63. Paul Bowles said, "The sky hides the night behind it, and shelters the people beneath from the horror that lies above." Joseph
Mort Castle
#64. Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
Mort Sahl
#65. When I first started out, 'Time' magazine did an article on what it called 'the sick comics,' and they were myself, Shelley Berman, Nichols & May, Jonathan Winters, Lenny Bruce, and Mort Sahl. We were considered 'sick.'
Bob Newhart
#66. A conservative doesn't want anything to happen for the first time; a liberal feels it should happen, but not now.
Mort Sahl
#67. This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.
Mort Sahl
#68. Those who can't, and can't teach, translate.
(attrib: F.L. Vanderson)
Mort W. Lumsden
#69. By my soul! I would rather have a dry death," quoth Sir Oliver. "Though, Mort Dieu! I have eaten so many fish that it were but justice that the fish should eat me.
Arthur Conan Doyle
#70. I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
Mort Sahl
#71. We're all entitled to our own opinions. But none of us can afford to be wrong in our facts.
Mort Crim
#72. Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
Mort Sahl
#73. New book on Malcolm X says we don't know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.
Mort Sahl
#74. Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of your heart.
Mort Walker
#75. Obama is running again for spite.
Mort Sahl
#76. I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.
Mort Sahl
#77. And what in the name of all this is disturbing did you mean when you said you're going to teach me how to Kill people?"
He snickered. "You didn't really think you were going to spend the whole summer milking cows, did you?
Gina Damico
#78. Uncle Mort to Lex and Driggs: And if I hear any article of clothing being unzipped, unstrapped, unhooked, or unbuckled, you will lose the body part that it corresponds to. Understand?
Gina Damico
#79. Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?
Mort Sahl
#80. There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.
Mort Sahl
#81. There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!
Mort Sahl
#82. Death is the word that kills all the words. (La mort est un mot - Qui tue tous les mots)
Charles De Leusse
#83. I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?
Mort Sahl
#84. Mort Sahl, while attending a preview of Otto Preminger's film Exodus, stood up and called out, Otto, let my people go!
Mort Sahl
#86. Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater?
Mort Sahl
#87. Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
Mort Sahl
#88. My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.
Mort Sahl
#89. Mort was hurt by this. It was one thing not to want to marry someone, but quite another to be told they didn't want to marry you.
Terry Pratchett
#90. Good Lord, I'm regretting this now," I muttered. "I have never - ever - smelled BO this bad in my life. And I once had s'mores wit a Sasquatch."
"Hang out with him for awhile," Mort gasped. "Eventually it's not so bad."
"Wow. Really?"
"No. Not really.
Jim Butcher
#91. The money opens many doors. That of the coffin, among other things. (L'argent ouvre de nombreuses portes. - Celle du cercueil, entre autres.)
Charles De Leusse
#92. You taught me to be nice, so nice that now I am so full of niceness, I have no sense of right and wrong, no outrage, no passion.
Mort Walker
#93. I was a teenage boy once too, you know," Uncle Mort said, popping back up. "I know what your brain looks like. It's a three-ring circus in there.
Gina Damico
#94. Mort Meskin was a consummate professional, dedicated to his work. A great talent.
Jack Kirby
#95. If you can't join them, beat them.
Mort Sahl
#96. In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.
Mort Sahl
#97. You learn just by trying and experimenting. By the time I was 14, I had my own comic strip in the Kansas City paper.
Mort Walker
#98. Death lasts only a moment, but we think about it every moment. (La mort ne dure qu'un instant, - Mais on y pense chaque instant)
Charles De Leusse
#100. At NIH, what tends to happen is that the proven researchers tend to get the money. New researchers, younger researchers, or people on the cutting edge don't get the money until they have gray beards.
Mort Kondracke
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