Top 100 Mitch's Quotes
#1. He wondered if somewhere far off, defying the laws of science, Mitch's two screams were still echoing, if those vibrations had traveled into space, if they moved on and on like rays in a light-year. There might be other forms of life who were receiving the noise and trying to interpret the tones.
Jane Hamilton
#2. She can put her life in Mitch's strong hands and fall at once into a dreamless sleep. In a sense, that is what marriage is about-a good marriage-a total trusting with your heart, your mind, your life.
Dean Koontz
#3. Mitch's Pizzaria ... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
Mitch Hedberg
#4. Mitch's take on humanity had deteriorated to the point where he assumed someone was lying if her lips were moving.
Jennifer Crusie
#5. What's Mitch's better-than-love?" Randy snorted. "He and his slut-bunny husband are those disgusting nougat-center people who just flat out like being in love best. And fucking. Which, I gotta admit, is hot as all hell to watch.
Heidi Cullinan
#6. Mitch Glazer and I went to high school together, and his mother was my English teacher for two years. She was my favorite teacher, and I followed Mitch's career as a journalist, so we've kind of kept in touch over the years.
Mickey Rourke
#7. P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg
#8. Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."
Mitch Hedberg
#9. At I Am My Brother's Keeper, there were no dues, no drives, no singles nights. Membership grew the old-fashioned way: a desperate need for God.
Mitch Albom
#10. When we are most alone is when we embrace another's loneliness.
Mitch Albom
#11. It's always difficult to watch someone you love die.
Mitch Albom
#12. It's such a shame to waste time. We always think we have so much of it.
Mitch Albom
#13. We see government's mission as fostering and enabling the important realms - our businesses, service clubs, Little Leagues, churches - to flourish.
Mitch Daniels
#14. My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."
Mitch Hedberg
#15. In the beginning of life, when we are infants, we need others to survive, right? And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right?' His voice dropped to a whisper. 'But here's the secret: in between, we need others as well.
Mitch Albom
#16. When you look into your mother's eyes, you know that is the purest love you can find on this earth.
Mitch Albom
#17. Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
Mitch Hedberg
#18. We need to strengthen and save Social Security for today's workers. If we don't act now, this system, born out of the New Deal, will become a bad deal.
Mitch McConnell
#19. Some people perceive Skinner to be complex. I just basically was trying to remember my lines, so I guess that's what they perceive as being complexity.
Mitch Pileggi
#20. We must display a heart for every American, and a special passion for those still on the first rung of life's ladder.
Mitch Daniels
#21. That's why it has to be a nonprofit, because a nonprofit is required to take monies it receives and use them for the purposes for which it's chartered by the government. It can't be pocketed.
Mitch Kapor
#22. A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
Mitch Hedberg
#23. I always look for a "rhythm" in my writing. A cadence to the sentences. Sometimes I think of pieces I write in a song writing infrastructure - i.e., a verse, a chorus that I return to, a bridge that's something differenct, a chorus that I return to.
Mitch Albom
#24. Loyalty ruled this woman's soul, but loyalty needs a partner.
Mitch Albom
#25. If information wants to be free, then that's true everywhere, not just in information technology.
Mitch Kapor
#26. I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg
#27. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is".
Mitch Albom
#28. Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss
Mitch Hedberg
#29. Dizzy Gillespie, the jazz trumpet player, once said, "It's taken me all my life to learn what not to play." He was one of my special ones. And he was quite correct. Silence enhances music. What you do not play can sweeten what you do. But
Mitch Albom
#30. I meant no disrespect. It's just that I had always felt that rabbis, priests, pastors, any cleric, really, lived on a plane between mortal ground and heavenly sky. God up there. Us down here. Them in between.
Mitch Albom
#31. I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"
Mitch Hedberg
#32. Whether it's before the election or after the election, the principle is the American people are choosing their next president and their next president should pick this Supreme Court nominee.
Mitch McConnell
#33. Now how about waffles for breakfast? Or is too late for breakfast?"
Mitch rested back in his chair. "Maybe too late for breakfast, but it's never too late for waffles.
Shelly Laurenston
#34. I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
Mitch Hedberg
#35. I took my orders, too. But if i couldn't keep you alive, I thought I could at least keep you together. In the middle of a big war, you go looking for a small idea to believe in. When you find one, you hold it the way a soldier holds his crucifix when he's praying in a foxhole.
Mitch Albom
#36. Either Mitch goes with me ... or get used to finding your wife hiding in trees."
"That's just mean."
"I'm a Smith. What did you expect?"
"Good point.
Shelly Laurenston
#37. I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."
Mitch Hedberg
#38. There's an admirable belief about the virtues of meritocracy - that the best ideas prove the best results. It's a wrong and misguided belief by well-intentioned people.
Mitch Kapor
#39. It's like going back to being a child again. Someone to bathe you. Someone to lift you. Someone to wipe you. We all know how to be a child. It's inside all of us. For me, It's just remembering how to enjoy it.
Mitch Albom
#40. The money that goes into Social Security is not the government's money. it's your money. You paid for it.
Mitch McConnell
#41. Hello." Sara's soft, sexy voice sounded on the other end. "Mitch?" "Yeah?" Forgoing pleasantries and getting right to the point, she said, "My kitty stopped purring. I think it needs to be resuscitated."
Cathryn Fox
#42. To know you're going to die, and to be prepared for it at any time.
That's better. That way you can actually be more involved in your life
while you're living.
Mitch Albom
#43. He thought about his son's stone flying across the yard, the youthful idea that you could toss away the future if
you didn't like it - and he realized, suddenly, what he needed to do.
Mitch Albom
#45. There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"
Mitch Hedberg
#46. I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
Mitch Hedberg
#47. It's still word of mouth that is going to make or break a show, and while critics can't help a show, they can hurt it.
Mitch Leigh
#48. Don't fall asleep in classes. It's such a lucky thing you have, to be taught and to be learning and not have to be working in a shop somewhere.
Mitch Albom
#49. I think some of our members may have thought the default issue was a hostage you might take a chance at shooting. Most of us didn't think that. What we did learn is this - it's a hostage that's worth ransoming. And it focuses the Congress on something that must be done.
Mitch McConnell
#50. They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
Mitch Hedberg
#51. We've already gotten a significant grant from the Andrew W. Mellon Foundation, and a university consortium. I think the whole sector of Foundations, potentially with government support, is promising - more than promising, I think, it's substantial.
Mitch Kapor
#52. Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.
Mitch Albom
#53. Never tell a child that something it's too hard
Mitch Albom
#54. You have to do what is real and what is right and what is good and what you believe in. It doesn't mean it's always going to work. It doesn't. But when it does, it is truthful and forever.
Mitch Leigh
#55. I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"
Mitch Hedberg
#56. I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
#57. I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
Mitch Hedberg
#58. I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.
Mitch Hedberg
#59. I feel kind of bad for calling him Twatwaffle now."
"You should feel bad," I yelled. "For all we know, Twatwaffle saved our lives and maybe Mitch did too. There's obviously something out here. Who the fuck decapitates a llama?"
"I'm sure this particular llama was on many a hit list.
Karina Halle
#60. I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!
Mitch Hedberg
#61. Bolton's exactly what the U.N. needs at this point. The president's right on the mark in picking him.
Mitch McConnell
#62. Because one thing God gave us- and I'm afraid it's at times a little too much- is freewill. Freedom to choose. I believe he gave us everything needed to build a beautiful world, if we choose wisely.
Mitch Albom
#63. My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg
#65. Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
#66. When you come to the end, that's where God begins. Many
Mitch Albom
#67. It just doesn't occur to an American that someone else will solve their problems. Americans take pride in solving problems for themselves. And if we fail, we get back up and try again. It's what we do. It's who we are.
Mitch McConnell
#68. It's amazing the fantasies your mind can put together.
Mitch Albom
#69. Sometimes even the smallest of efforts can change someone's fate entirely.
Mitch Rowland
#70. I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"
Mitch Hedberg
#71. Everything man does today to be efficient, to fill the hour?" Dor said. "It does not satisfy. It only makes him hungry to do more. Man wants to own his existence. But no one owns time."
He lowered his hand from Victor's eyes. "When you are measuring time, you are not living it. I know.
Mitch Albom
#72. This shirt is dry clean only. Which means ... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
#73. The news of life is carried via telephone. A baby's birth, a couple engaged, a tragic car accident on a late night highway - most milestones of the human journey, good or bad, are foreshadowed by the sound of a ringing.
Mitch Albom
#74. This is part of what a family is about, not just love. It's knowing that your family will be there watching out for you. Nothing else will give you that. Not money. Not fame. Not work.
Mitch Albom
#75. The Internet, the network of networks, is growing at an exponential pace. It's growing so fast, in fact, nobody really knows how many people use the Internet.
Mitch Kapor
#76. The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
Mitch Hedberg
#77. People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
Mitch Hedberg
#78. It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky ...
Mitch Hedberg
#79. Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
Mitch Hedberg
#80. It's one thing to affirm that God is free to do as God wills in this
world. The real crunch comes in allowing God the freedom and
trust to act in one's own life. John Indermark
Lynelle Clark
#81. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
#82. The president's grand experiment in trickle-down government has held back rather than sped economic recovery. He seems to sincerely believe we can build a middle class out of government jobs paid for with borrowed dollars.
Mitch Daniels
#83. People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.
Mitch Hedberg
#84. Do the kind of things that come from the heart, When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overhelmed with what comes back
Morrie Schwartz.
#85. I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Mitch Hedberg
#86. I think the general population of people just don't think. It's actually proven that people just use the part of the brain they have to, to get through the day. They don't sit there and ponder over the big picture stuff.
Mitch Lucker
#87. It's the thinking that gets you killed.
Mitch Albom
#88. For the first time since 1979, we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it's a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell.
Bill Maher
#89. One of the things that's beautiful about New Orleans is how culturally rich we are and how well we have worked together. People call us a gumbo. It's really important that we get focused on the very simple notion that diversity is a strength, it's not a weakness.
Mitch Landrieu
#90. If you can command a lot of attention, that's what is valuable, and many in the commercial ecology would like to have a piece of that attention.
Mitch Kapor
#91. You see, here's my theory: Kids chase the love that eludes them, and for me, that was my father's love. He kept it tucked away, like papers in a briefcase. And I kept trying to get in there.
Mitch Albom
#92. Mitt Romney has never been resigned to what someone else said was possible. He cut his own path. That's why he believes in his heart that America has a future full of opportunity and hope. And that's why when Mitt Romney looks down the road, he sees a country that's ready for a comeback.
Mitch McConnell
#93. I've tapdanced since I was 11 years old. I always wanted to be a tapdancer, and that's all I ever wanted to be.
Mitch Hewer
#94. I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"
Mitch Hedberg
#95. I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
Mitch Hedberg
#96. I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You're like, "I hope he's happy again."
Mitch Hedberg
#97. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
Mitch Hedberg
#98. I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
Mitch Hedberg
#99. But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin.
Mitch Albom
#100. One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'
Mitch Hedberg
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
