Markoe's Quotes

#1. I really enjoyed Merrill Markoe's Guide To Glamorous Living, which was a weird hybrid reality/sketch thing I wrote, directed, and hosted, with two male-model bimbos whom I made agree with everything I said.

Merrill Markoe

#2. Beware the old man in young guy's clothes. If he's over 35 and comes to pick you up looking as though he's headed for a skateboarding competition while you are dressed to go to a nice restaurant, this is not a good sign.

Merrill Markoe

#3. Once you get into it, it's all you can think about. Look, I know you don't trust my judgment because I eat cat shit. Someday I'll explain that to you. But right now do what I say. Just pick up the ball and throw it.

Merrill Markoe

#4. Why do you always come in to kiss me while I'm on the toilet?" I asked.
"Makes us feel close to you," Chuck said, surprised I would ask. "Peeing is one of the special things we share.

Merrill Markoe

#5. I don't like the celebrity gossip culture, and I certainly don't want to contribute to it. I don't care about the Kardashians, or any of them.

Merrill Markoe

#6. I always hated those classic kid movies like Old Yeller or The Yearling where the beloved pet dies. What would be so wrong with having those damn kids learn their lessons about mortality from watching Grandpa kick? Then at least the dog would be around to comfort them.

Merrill Markoe

#7. Reality television is a scripted hyper-life that employs writers, but won't allow them to call themselves writers or join the union.

Merrill Markoe

#8. It's surely no accident that there are horoscopes in Vogue, Glamour, Mademoiselle, Woman, New Woman, Elle and Cosmo ... but not Sports Illustrated, GQ, Esquire, Field & Stream or Guns & Ammo.

Merrill Markoe

#9. Come on! You must have at least suspected there was someone else," he said. "Couldn't you smell her on his pants?

Merrill Markoe

#10. Beware the man who doesn't ask you any questions about yourself on your first date.

Merrill Markoe

#11. By the time the last of these relationships ended I was such a quaking mass of colliding, exploding neurotransmitter malfunctions that the only coherent sentence I could form in my native tongue went: Never again.

Merrill Markoe

#12. I sometimes look into the face of my dog Stan and see a wistful sadness and existential angst, when all he is actually doing is slowly scanning the ceiling for flies.

Merrill Markoe

#13. I learned to cope with my needs for attention by creating my own private personal rituals to make myself feel special.

Merrill Markoe

#14. My goal was always getting my work out in the world, and in many ways, I feel like the luckiest person alive.

Merrill Markoe

#15. A more complex - but only slightly more original - way to feel out of it is available at the hip and pretentious nightclubs and bars along the Sunset Strip.

Merrill Markoe

#16. A wacky, trendy outfit on a guy over 40 indicates he's got big issues.

Merrill Markoe

#17. I care about being creative and productive.

Merrill Markoe

#18. At least watching dirty movies can be kind of fascinating if they aren't too horribly strange. And even the horribly strange ones are still more interesting than televised sports.

Merrill Markoe

#19. Every moment of your life that is not a complete nightmare is happiness.

Merrill Markoe

#20. I have learned that the stuff that causes me anxiety, the stuff I instinctively veer away from, is usually a road map to where my own creative growth can be found. So I consciously head toward the places that make me uncomfortable.

Merrill Markoe

#21. Of the things I know to be true in life, right at the top of the list of irrefutable truths is, "No one ever listens to anyone." It might even be No. 1.

Merrill Markoe

#22. To find the right person, you must first BE the right person.

Merrill Markoe

#23. And Mom? You're a good girl."
"Thank you. That's very sweet of you, Chuck"
Though what I was really thinking was: This is too fucking weird.

Merrill Markoe

#24. My mother ... took the fact that my taste differed from hers as a personal insult.

Merrill Markoe

#25. Reality TV has managed to commodify everything we used to think of as the elements of normal life.

Merrill Markoe

#26. I've made my life's work spotting assholes. And you know, I think it's harder now than ever before because there's so many socially acceptable ways to exhibit a pathological lack of empathy.

Merrill Markoe

#27. Whatever behavior you've experienced from people in the past, expect them to do it again and again and again.

Merrill Markoe

#28. The phrase "singular incredible life" seems to me that it applies more appropriately to Jane Goodall or David Attenborough, people I regard with awe and who stand for great humanism and knowledge.

Merrill Markoe

#29. Though it seems like time itself moves more slowly when you're in the presence of people who actually see and hear you. There's a certain weight to a moment that never comes when you feel invisible.

Merrill Markoe

#30. As you can imagine this is a very emotional moment for me because Dave promised me many times that I was the only woman he would ever cheat on.

Merrill Markoe

#31. They were soul mates, my mother and father. They claimed to adore each other, as if the word 'adore' meant 'argue with ceaselessly.

Merrill Markoe

#32. Men who have a lot of charm have it in place of something real that you are eventually going to want from them and find that they do not have.

Merrill Markoe

#33. Whenever I encountered a slide show titled 'Eight Diet Foods That Pack on the Pounds' or 'Celebrity Fashion Fails,' I'd have to stop and investigate because hey, it might be information I'd need in some unforeseeable future where I had become, for some reason, a fat celebrity.

Merrill Markoe

#34. I'm clear with all my bitches ... I hump her till she bites me. Then it's adios bitches, time for BALL.

Merrill Markoe

#35. I have a very hard time getting to rage. I always assume that maybe I've done something wrong and then forgotten about it.

Merrill Markoe

#36. That's just stupid," said Chuck. "Have a look around at the rest of the animal kingdom lately? I'll have sex with anyone who doesn't try to kill me."
"And even then, as long as their butt smells good, I'm in," said Johnny Depp.

Merrill Markoe

#37. Some people know that they are so adorable looking, all they have to do is smile and dress up and they get plenty from that. Then there are some of us who, early on, see that that doesn't work. So we joke about it.

Merrill Markoe

#38. When anyone lacks self-awareness and doesn't recognize their transparencies, it's always funny.

Merrill Markoe

#39. I am deeply grateful for the life I do have. In many ways, I am very fortunate.

Merrill Markoe

#40. I think people figure out early in their lives what currency they can work in.

Merrill Markoe

#41. Our culture is definitely the eighth grade. It's run by eighth-grade boys, and the way these boys show a girl they like her is by humiliating her and making her cry.

Merrill Markoe

#42. The day is divided into two important sections: Mealtimes and everything else.

Merrill Markoe

#43. Conversely, beware the man who does nothing but ask you questions about yourself and offers no information about himself. Not only is he keeping you at bay, he is probably not listening to your answers.

Merrill Markoe

#44. Men, as a general rule, shy away from therapy because there is no obvious way to keep score.

Merrill Markoe

#45. It's just like magic. When you live by yourself, all of your annoying habits are gone.

Merrill Markoe

#46. No one would argue against the fact that L.A. leads the country in opportunities for being hip and pretentious.

Merrill Markoe

#47. The whole narcissism and echo syndrome is usually the result of early childhood training. Those are very hard habits for anyone to break.

Merrill Markoe

#48. My dogs, the only creatures on the planet marked by my singular nurturing imprint, have all turned out to be rude and self-absorbed. In all likelihood, if they were children instead of dogs, I would have foisted more Charlie Sheens or Kardashians onto our crumbling culture.

Merrill Markoe

#49. Beware the cute, hot guy who kind of reminds you of the parent you don't get along with: your cold, distant father who left when you were a kid or your hot-tempered mother whom you could never please.

Merrill Markoe

#50. You just never know when it might be cookie time. And, that is what the dogs have taught me.

Merrill Markoe

#51. Well, there's two kinds of peeing ... There's regular peeing, because you have to pee. And then there's auxiliary competitive peeing. For acquiring empire. I'm all about the real estate.

Merrill Markoe

#52. When you have been writing for a lot of years, you have to make an effort not to start repeating yourself. It occurred to me that I tended to tread certain ground automatically, because it was comfortable, but that there were areas I avoided automatically because they made me nervous.

Merrill Markoe

#53. Since - in my belief system - we each get only one go-round here on planet Earth, it is the task of the writer to interpret, examine, and reflect on the specifics of their one and only life experience.

Merrill Markoe