Marcus Brigstocke Quotes

#1. You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.

Marcus Brigstocke

#2. Guilt is feeling bad about what you have done; shame is feeling bad about who you are - all it is, is muddling up things you have done with who you are.

Marcus Brigstocke

#3. I'd rather be happy than right.

Marcus Brigstocke

#4. I think it's important never to look yourself up on Wikipedia. I think the temptation to correct any interesting factual errors would be too much.

Marcus Brigstocke

#5. All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of this man.

Marcus Brigstocke

#6. I have an addictive personality. Boarding school merely sent me more quickly on the downward spiral that dominated my childhood.

Marcus Brigstocke

#7. My purist comedy friends accuse me of being a Jack of all trades and master of none.

Marcus Brigstocke

#8. Britain is obsessed with political correctness.

Marcus Brigstocke

#9. I rarely fly, for environmental reasons more than anything else.

Marcus Brigstocke

#10. Political correctness is as exploitable as any other progressive ideal, but its aim is to stifle the incessant noise of those who flap their careless lips without a thought about those they might offend and why that might be important.

Marcus Brigstocke

#11. Catholicism has the clerical equivalent to a nut allergy - even a small exposure to change, and the whole thing will go into anaphylactic shock.

Marcus Brigstocke

#12. To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!

Marcus Brigstocke

#13. Never Google yourself. Seriously, don't!

Marcus Brigstocke

#14. I realised that to compare your insides with other people's outsides leads to unhappiness.

Marcus Brigstocke

#15. Jim Henson was an absolute genius.

Marcus Brigstocke

#16. I went to China for a brief working visit, and I thought that Shanghai was interesting, but Beijing totally grabbed me.

Marcus Brigstocke

#17. Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.

Marcus Brigstocke

#18. I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I'm a pretty good guy.

Marcus Brigstocke

#19. If you want something Scottish, go get yourself a kilt.

Marcus Brigstocke

#20. I have a very good memory for scripts. I can watch a show I like once, then remember about 90% of the script. But ask me who was in it, and I wouldn't have a clue.

Marcus Brigstocke

#21. I have learnt that I am incapable of packing the right amount of clothing, probably because I start 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave, and that I truly hate airports.

Marcus Brigstocke

#22. Eventually, somewhere - be it on the Internet or somewhere else - I will host some version of 'The Daily Show.'

Marcus Brigstocke

#23. No one wants life to end. It was bad enough when my last tour came to an end.

Marcus Brigstocke

#24. The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones.

Marcus Brigstocke

#25. Christians, you and your churches don't get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules! Either stick to them or abandon the faith.

Marcus Brigstocke

#26. I'm more pompous and self-assured and determined that if - you know - if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.

Marcus Brigstocke

#27. I think Ross Noble is the only person that I've seen really storm a stand-up slot at a festival, and that was when he led 3,000 people on a conga out of the tent and across the entire site to a vegetarian food truck.

Marcus Brigstocke

#28. I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It's an amazing feeling.

Marcus Brigstocke

#29. I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.

Marcus Brigstocke

#30. I'm best known as a stand-up comedian, but I'm a good actor in the right role.

Marcus Brigstocke

#31. I'd lie in bed in my dormitory and grab at bits of my body, wanting to tear them off ... I was so large by then that, in the heat, my thighs chafed together and bled. I was very unhappy, and yet no one ever asked me how I felt.

Marcus Brigstocke

#32. I became hugely overweight and then hated myself because it was a form of self-abuse, something over which I had no control. I think the thing compulsive over-eaters want to achieve is that stuffed-full Christmas afternoon feeling.

Marcus Brigstocke

#33. If you go on stage with an agenda, you have to accept not everyone's going to agree with it.

Marcus Brigstocke

#34. And much as I enjoy writing and creating stuff, I don't enjoy it so much that I am willing to give up any time that could otherwise be spent performing.

Marcus Brigstocke

#35. There are a lot of comics at the top end making staggering amounts of money and selling out stadiums. I think stand-up is a more intimate thing than that. Maybe because of the kind of comedy I do. It's like a discussion, but I'm the one with the microphone.

Marcus Brigstocke

#36. I find myself by default an atheist but fairly unhappily so. It would be bloody marvelous if there was a god.

Marcus Brigstocke

#37. If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Marcus Brigstocke

#38. I don't mind not being cool; I wear a cardigan.

Marcus Brigstocke

#39. Jews, I know you're God's chosen people and the rest of us are just 'whatever', but when Israel behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someone mentions it, that doesn't make them anti-Semitic.

Marcus Brigstocke

#40. The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it's so straightforward and simple. If the audience don't laugh, you didn't do your job. I've had some audiences where I didn't care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.

Marcus Brigstocke

#41. I spend my jollity on stage, so there is less in my own life.

Marcus Brigstocke