Mad Mitch Quotes

#1. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

#2. My secret vice is Sudoku puzzles. Can't stop playing them. My parents are accountants. I blame them entirely.

Lisa Gardner

#3. I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedberg

#4. Thank you, people of Emmyland. To be nominated in such company is an honour, especially for two shows that I'm immensely proud of. I'm delighted.

Martin Freeman

#5. Mr. Speaker, a new report says only 7% of scientists believe in God. That is right. And the reason they gave was that the scientists are "super smart". Unbelievable. Most of these absent-minded professors cannot find the toilet.

James Traficant

#6. I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Mitch Hedberg

#7. I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'

Mitch Hedberg

#8. If we all knew who God really was and what he really wanted for each and every one of us, we would all know that only a fool could really deny him.

Criss Jami

#9. I couldn't see where the collection of Burger King figurines fit in, but I supposed there was no reason why psychopaths shouldn't have unrelated hobbies.

Jon Ronson

#10. The Biology of Hope and the Healing Power of the Human Spirit,

Brian L. Weiss

#11. Fear and niceness, the handmaids of all women, or more truly, woman its pretty self.

William Shakespeare

#12. The opposite of every great idea is another great idea.

Niels Bohr

#13. A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."

Mitch Hedberg

#14. Without animal research, polio would still be claiming thousands of lives each year.

Albert Sabin

#15. I am a sweet old softy, but it took toughness to get through what I went through.

Tony Parsons