Top 100 Leno Quotes

#1. House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it's only Iraq where you don't have to do that.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #541
#2. President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #8566
#3. Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #11477
#4. I was a big TV kid.When I was a kid, I would go home at 3:00 and watch TV straight through to the end of Letterman at 1:30 in the morning.I was obsessed with comics.And I would watch Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno and study them as if it was Tolstoy.

Judd Apatow

Leno Quotes #12587
#5. It turns out Enron workers were not only shredding documents at work, they were having sex at work. Having sex and shredding documents. Those are two things you don't want to get mixed up.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #16504
#6. 106 [degrees] in the valley ... I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #20000
#7. You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, 'Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.'

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #21333
#8. President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #21796
#9. Well, the big story
Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #23599
#10. Experts are saying that President Bush's goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don't we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #24940
#11. An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #25689
#12. The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #26885
#13. It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #26928
#14. That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They're in bed and she's says, 'In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.'

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #26963
#15. John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #31117
#16. Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #31346
#17. (Gray) Davis said yesterday that he is going to fight like a Bengal tiger, which I believe is also an endangered species.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #32831
#18. According to a recent study, ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived of their favourite show, some Trekkies disply withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addicts. Of course, the real difference is that drug addicts aren't nearly as annoying.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #34111
#19. When they said "Make love, not war" at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #37364
#20. This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #39362
#21. Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #39949
#22. According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #40438
#23. Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #52127
#24. Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #52403
#25. I've been on Letterman a couple of times. I've been on Leno more than a couple times, and now Letterman hates me because I've been on Leno more than him. They're very jealous of one another, as you know.

Mitt Romney

Leno Quotes #53696
#26. I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #54016
#27. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can't figure out which one is more embarrassing.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #54300
#28. I don't want to say Gray Davis is on the run, but today he released an audiotape on the Al Jazeera network from his underground bunker somewhere in the Sacramento area.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #54730
#29. So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #55041
#30. A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #57830
#31. Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #59149
#32. As we watched Judge Clarence
Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation
hearings, all of the commentators
said the same thing: 'One of these
people in the room is lying.' Do you
believe that? You've got two lawyers
and 14 senators in the room, and only
one of them is lying?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #59923
#33. President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #67804
#34. Finding love is a two-part process. The first part is to find the right person. The second part is to be the right person.

Mavis Leno

Leno Quotes #68409
#35. Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #74683
#36. More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #88115
#37. Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #89155
#38. The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #90385
#39. The Senate voted 97-0 for an anti-spam bill to stop those annoying things you get on your computer. The senators made it very clear that when you start misleading the American people and start taking their money over false promises, that's our turf, buddy!

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #94246
#40. Your preoccupation should be on doing what you do as well as you can.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #96114
#41. Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #96506
#42. A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #97988
#43. Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #102175
#44. Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #103695
#45. You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #104645
#46. A jury found former Enron sleezeballs Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's not a good name to have when you're going to prison. And Kenny Boy ain't too good either ... I guess in prison they'll have done to them what they did to the stockholders.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #105303
#47. Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #105924
#48. Of course with John McCain out of the race, George W. Bush has to pick a running mate. Which is kind of a scary proposition when you think about it. I mean his dad picked Dan Quayle, an he isn't as smart as his dad.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #106706
#49. Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is that? Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #106910
#50. Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #110636
#51. The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #112554
#52. How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #112650
#53. L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #114013
#54. Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #116371
#55. In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least, they think it's him ...

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #119597
#56. When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #120892
#57. I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I
don't want to get audited by the IRS.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #123775
#58. Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #124532
#59. Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #125696
#60. French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #125789
#61. Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #127193
#62. Here's an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #127429
#63. After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can't figure out if he's the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #128354
#64. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #129892
#65. It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #130164
#66. Some members of Congress now are complaining they are underpaid. They want to propose a pay raise. You can't blame them. A lot of them took a big income hit when Enron folded.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #131047
#67. Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #132369
#68. A woman in Great Britain has died after being hit in the back of the head by a golf ball, on the first hole. Her husband was so distraught, he only played the front nine.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #134778
#69. (The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #136389
#70. The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country.They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty goodtrick considering they claim they don't even know where he is.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #139913
#71. Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #140026
#72. According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #141908
#73. They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #143926
#74. I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #148358
#75. Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning for Davis, Bill is out here for Larry Flynt.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #149674
#76. If you're a car salesman, and someone says "This is a terrible car, I'm not buying it," it doesn't mean they hate you. They just don't like your product. I think that's a mistake a lot of people in show business make.. they're so tied to their act they take everything personally.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #154290
#77. The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #155410
#78. According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #156429
#79. Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #158390
#80. John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #158875
#81. President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficits.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #160078
#82. CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #161845
#83. It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #162665
#84. Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #163137
#85. Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinking the American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #163868
#86. It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #164249
#87. There was also talk of bringing Al Gore to California to help out, but there was concern that Gray Davis and Al Gore in the same state would cause some kind of rolling personality blackout.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #165437
#88. British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #165780
#89. We've got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #166266
#90. Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #166407
#91. The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #170165
#92. Corporations complained about [safety] regulations, but let's face it, people walk away from accidents now that would have killed them when I was a kid

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #174215
#93. Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #176358
#94. A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #177495
#95. President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #183518
#96. President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #191569
#97. A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #192616
#98. President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster?

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #192790
#99. Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #198645
#100. When you fix something with your hands it gives you a sense of accomplishment and a sense of self worth.

Jay Leno

Leno Quotes #200474

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