Leno Quotes

#1. I was a big TV kid.When I was a kid, I would go home at 3:00 and watch TV straight through to the end of Letterman at 1:30 in the morning.I was obsessed with comics.And I would watch Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno and study them as if it was Tolstoy.

Judd Apatow

#2. I've been on Letterman a couple of times. I've been on Leno more than a couple times, and now Letterman hates me because I've been on Leno more than him. They're very jealous of one another, as you know.

Mitt Romney

#3. My first acting gig was a skit for Jay Leno on 'The Tonight Show.' It was this Barbie commercial where I got to pour mud all over Barbie dolls and watch the heads pop off. It was so exciting, a lot of fun.

Brie Larson

#4. I'm good friends with Jay Leno, good friends with Ed O'Neill, Melanie Fiona and Russell Simmons.

Kevin Hart

#5. I've performed on 'The Tonight Show' with both Johnny Carson and Jay Leno, but not at the same time.

Thomas F. Wilson

#6. Sometimes in golf I've got 10,000 people watching me. Cameras are easy. Doing the Jay Leno show was easy.

Matt Kuchar

#7. The idea that I would ever end up on David Letterman or Jay Leno is horrifying. I am such a freak in comparison to most other twenty-five-year-old guys. I have no idea what other people are thinking. I'm not really in touch.

Jared Leto

#8. In a recent poll, one in four people said they'd donate a kidney to a complete stranger. Yeah, sure... 90% of people won't even let a stranger merge in traffic. Jay Leno

Jack Jacoby

#9. I'm working on Leno. He's from my home state, Massachusetts. And my home country, Italy. I said, 'Hey, Jay, why don't you have me on your show? Afraid I'll be funnier than you?'

Joe Arpaio

#10. When I did 'The Tonight Show' and Jay Leno was still there, he was very nice but it was surreal. It's like you can't believe you're standing there talking to that person. If you've seen them in a lot of movies or on TV you feel like you know them, just like my fans feel like they know me.

Rodney Atkins

#11. Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'

Bill Engvall

#12. Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of 'The Sunshine Boys' with Jay Leno.

David Letterman

#13. I am a big car enthusiast. I totally understand guys like Jay Leno who have a thousand cars. But asking me my favorite car would be like asking my favorite song or favorite food - it changes everyday.

Casey James

#14. Stephen Colbert has such a loyal following; I don't know if it's the same with Jay Leno; he really inspires love in people, and there can be a lucky ricochet of that for some people.

Lisa Hannigan

#15. If we're talking fantasy, I would love to host a late night talk show ... More Fallon than Leno. Those guys always seem like they're having way too much fun at their 'jobs.'

Aaron Sanchez

#16. One of the most painful things for me was Jay Leno, Jay Leno going back on the air and saying to people that it was a choice between his writing staff and his crew, I think that really hurt a lot of show runners, because it was never a choice between our writers and our crew.

Edward Allen Bernero

#17. Jay Leno is wonderful and a good friend, but it will always be the Carson show to a lot of people.

Burt Reynolds

#18. I think Jay Leno is fantastic.

Brian L. Roberts

#19. Jay Leno is not a guy who likes change. He eats the same food every day.

Ted Allen

#20. I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.

Jimmy Fallon

#21. Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.

Frank Caliendo

#22. After being compared to Jay Leno for so long, you don't think of yourself in that way.

Rumer

#23. NO I haven't read 50 Shades of Grey - I've been close enough to Jay Leno in real life.

Sarah Thyre

#24. When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.

David Spade

#25. The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them.

David Letterman

#26. NBC's priorities are Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno, and then there's me.

Carson Daly

#27. Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn down the studio for the insurance money." Jan. 21, 2010

Jay Leno

#28. The only reason I'm ever in character as 'Larry The Cable Guy' is because that's what I'm hired to do. In my movies, obviously they hired 'Larry The Cable Guy' to be 'Larry The Cable Guy.' When I do my shows, I'm 'Larry The Cable Guy.' When I do Jay Leno, it's: 'Please welcome 'Larry The Cable Guy.'

Larry The Cable Guy

#29. I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.

Conan O'Brien

#30. For those who don't like Dave Letterman, there's Jay Leno; and for those who like neither, there's Craig Ferguson; and if you're still feeling undertained, there's George Lopez and Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel and - let's see, did we leave out a Jimmy?

Tom Shales

#31. Americans who read the papers or watch Jay Leno have been aware for some time now that there is a slim but real possibility - about 1 in 45,000 - that an 850-foot-long asteroid called Apophis could strike Earth with catastrophic consequences on April 13, 2036.

Rusty Schweickart

#32. They're [zombies] us, you can also have the wrestler zombie, the clown zombie, the Jay Leno zombie and the nun zombie. I've never seen the clown werewolf or vampire. But because zombies are us, at the lowest possible level, they're a lot more versatile for storytelling.

Tom Savini

#33. I don't necessarily put on an act when I go on Jay Leno or dress differently in public than I do in private. I'd like to think I'm the same person, more or less.

Mila Kunis

#34. On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.

Jimmy Kimmel

#35. I've been on 'Jay Leno,' and everyone likes Jay, but being on that show is a really boring afternoon. I sincerely like Jay, but I wouldn't want his job, because I'd have to interview Kathy Ireland, and there's nothing there I'd want to know.

Henry Rollins

#36. With the DVR, I was mostly writing about it as a good thing in giving us the choice of when and how to watch things. But there's what we lose in the bargain, which is the collective spectacle. 'Did you see Jay Leno last night?'

Douglas Rushkoff

#37. I started a radio show where I interviewed comics.And I interviewed Leno and Seinfeld and John Candy and Father Guido Sarducci and Garry Shandling, all when I was 16.And they kind of told me what to do.

Judd Apatow

#38. Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.

Jimmy Fallon

#39. I did Jay Leno with Mike the Situation, and he just - he lives, like, ten minutes from me in Jersey. He's like, 'If you ever get a flat, call me. I'll come fix your tire.' That's how we do. That's neighborly, you know?

Queen Latifah

#40. I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

Andy Kindler

#41. House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it's only Iraq where you don't have to do that.

Jay Leno

#42. President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.

Jay Leno

#43. Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.

Jay Leno

#44. It turns out Enron workers were not only shredding documents at work, they were having sex at work. Having sex and shredding documents. Those are two things you don't want to get mixed up.

Jay Leno

#45. 106 [degrees] in the valley ... I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.

Jay Leno

#46. You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, 'Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.'

Jay Leno

#47. President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes.

Jay Leno

#48. Well, the big story
Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.

Jay Leno

#49. Experts are saying that President Bush's goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don't we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee?

Jay Leno

#50. An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.

Jay Leno

#51. The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

Jay Leno

#52. It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.

Jay Leno

#53. That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They're in bed and she's says, 'In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.'

Jay Leno

#54. John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.

Jay Leno

#55. Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day.

Jay Leno

#56. (Gray) Davis said yesterday that he is going to fight like a Bengal tiger, which I believe is also an endangered species.

Jay Leno

#57. According to a recent study, ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived of their favourite show, some Trekkies disply withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addicts. Of course, the real difference is that drug addicts aren't nearly as annoying.

Jay Leno

#58. When they said "Make love, not war" at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other.

Jay Leno

#59. This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."

Jay Leno

#60. Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.

Jay Leno

#61. According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist.

Jay Leno

#62. Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.

Jay Leno

#63. Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer.

Jay Leno

#64. I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?

Jay Leno

#65. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can't figure out which one is more embarrassing.

Jay Leno

#66. I don't want to say Gray Davis is on the run, but today he released an audiotape on the Al Jazeera network from his underground bunker somewhere in the Sacramento area.

Jay Leno

#67. So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?

Jay Leno

#68. A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.

Jay Leno

#69. Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help.

Jay Leno

#70. As we watched Judge Clarence
Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation
hearings, all of the commentators
said the same thing: 'One of these
people in the room is lying.' Do you
believe that? You've got two lawyers
and 14 senators in the room, and only
one of them is lying?

Jay Leno

#71. President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

Jay Leno

#72. Finding love is a two-part process. The first part is to find the right person. The second part is to be the right person.

Mavis Leno

#73. Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?

Jay Leno

#74. More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

Jay Leno

#75. Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.

Jay Leno

#76. The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

Jay Leno

#77. The Senate voted 97-0 for an anti-spam bill to stop those annoying things you get on your computer. The senators made it very clear that when you start misleading the American people and start taking their money over false promises, that's our turf, buddy!

Jay Leno

#78. Your preoccupation should be on doing what you do as well as you can.

Jay Leno

#79. Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box.

Jay Leno

#80. A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.

Jay Leno

#81. Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?

Jay Leno

#82. Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?

Jay Leno

#83. You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

Jay Leno

#84. A jury found former Enron sleezeballs Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's not a good name to have when you're going to prison. And Kenny Boy ain't too good either ... I guess in prison they'll have done to them what they did to the stockholders.

Jay Leno

#85. Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders.

Jay Leno

#86. Of course with John McCain out of the race, George W. Bush has to pick a running mate. Which is kind of a scary proposition when you think about it. I mean his dad picked Dan Quayle, an he isn't as smart as his dad.

Jay Leno

#87. Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is that? Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher.

Jay Leno

#88. Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help.

Jay Leno

#89. The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.

Jay Leno

#90. How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?

Jay Leno

#91. L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.

Jay Leno

#92. Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.

Jay Leno

#93. In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least, they think it's him ...

Jay Leno

#94. When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'

Jay Leno

#95. I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I
don't want to get audited by the IRS.

Jay Leno

#96. Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay.

Jay Leno

#97. Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?

Jay Leno

#98. French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

Jay Leno

#99. Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.

Jay Leno

#100. Here's an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.

Jay Leno