Kindler Quotes

#1. George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control ... Good news George ... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.

Andy Kindler

#2. I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

Andy Kindler

#3. I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.

Andy Kindler

#4. I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

Andy Kindler

#5. President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.

Andy Kindler

#6. I have a true love for the old style of Catskill comic. There's a joy in discovering a bad joke ... and then there's the joy of delivering it like, 'Isn't this a hacky joke?'

Andy Kindler

#7. I'm tired of demographic appeal being more important than talent. I want to fight against that.

Andy Kindler

#8. My goal isn't to wake up in the morning and hurt people's feelings.

Andy Kindler

#9. George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

Andy Kindler

#10. I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

Andy Kindler

#11. If everything was good, maybe I wouldn't have a career. I wouldn't have anything to make fun of.

Andy Kindler

#12. Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn't funny.

Andy Kindler

#13. Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Andy Kindler

#14. I think that most people will spend their whole life not figuring out what they're meant to do, or figuring out what they're meant to do on their way to do something else. So I just feel lucky that I know what I love to do. Everything else figures itself out.

Andy Kindler

#15. Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

Andy Kindler

#16. I try to go out for everything. I go out for any acting stuff that comes up, and voice-over stuff.

Andy Kindler

#17. The right wing is appealing to a shrinking, shrinking demographic of angry white people who blame their predicament in life on the fact that there are immigrants coming into the country; it's pretty ludicrous.

Andy Kindler

#18. I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

Andy Kindler

#19. Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French ... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough?

Andy Kindler

#20. They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.

Andy Kindler

#21. Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

Andy Kindler

#22. You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

Andy Kindler

#23. I came out to L.A. in '78 to be a musician. I didn't get into comedy until the mid-Eighties.

Andy Kindler

#24. I'm interested in Jeff Bridges. I love that guy. And I did like Carey Mulligan in 'An Education.' And I love Meryl Streep, but if they could ban 'Julie & Julia,' I'd be in favor of that.

Andy Kindler

#25. Can we all admit that 'Parks and Recreation' is horrible? Is this something we would all know, but don't say? Maybe everything should not be improv'd.

Andy Kindler

#26. Why did God have to make Mo'Nique a good actress? What was God thinking when he decided to give Mo'Nique acting chops. Now we have to endure Mo'Nique comedy specials.

Andy Kindler

#27. People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

Andy Kindler

#28. I have so many strong opinions on the entertainment industry, but if I'm in a deli somewhere, and someone says they love that Adam Sandler movie where he dresses up as his twin sister - well, I don't want to make people feel bad for how they feel about things. I'm always courteous, not mean.

Andy Kindler

#29. I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? 'My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.' Mission accomplished.

Andy Kindler

#30. I'm not a confrontational person in real life, so I really don't wanna get into arguments or fistfights with people I'm making fun of.

Andy Kindler

#31. Jimmy Fallon is handsome. This is an indisputable fact.

Andy Kindler

#32. BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

Andy Kindler

#33. Very unique: I was a singer-songwriter-guitarist. Very unusual in the late Seventies to find a singer-songwriter, and on top of that, a guitarist.

Andy Kindler

#34. The cliche that comics always use is that whatever is happening in the news is 'the gift that keeps on giving.' I always thought that was a bunch of nonsense.

Andy Kindler

#35. I always had a tremendous amount of rage about the business, and I thought turning that into comedy was healthy.

Andy Kindler

#36. Most of the people in my family were pretty funny. Everyone had a good sense of humor. I came to California right after college, wanting to be a musician.

Andy Kindler

#37. When I played a club in Salt Lake City, I complained to the crowd about the low turnout. It's always good to berate the people who paid to see you because you're upset about the people who didn't show up. It's called misplaced anger, and without it, I wouldn't have an act.

Andy Kindler

#38. Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.

Andy Kindler

#39. Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.

Andy Kindler

#40. I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

Andy Kindler

#41. I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Andy Kindler

#42. I can open up any can of worms and get people upset.

Andy Kindler

#43. I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

Andy Kindler

#44. Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.

Andy Kindler

#45. Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

Andy Kindler

#46. I do notice a lot of people who want to shock to get laughs. It's such a tricky thing; you don't want to make rules about it. There's nobody more hilarious than Dave Attell, and he'd break every rule you set up. But he's funny.

Andy Kindler

#47. Louie is hugely talented. But I get very annoyed at the way the media ... say, 'Louis C.K. is the greatest stand-up in the world.' He's not the greatest stand-up in the world. He's not funnier than Dave Attell.

Andy Kindler

#48. Nobody gets excited when they see me. If I put on my wizard outfit and walk around the airport for a couple of hours, I get a couple of puzzled glances.

Andy Kindler

#49. I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

Andy Kindler

#50. I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

Andy Kindler

#51. Sometimes things can be a guilty pleasure, but with 'Idol,' everyone talks about it like it's a real thing; they argue over who's gonna win ... There's no laughing at it.

Andy Kindler

#52. I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this ...

Andy Kindler

#53. Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

Andy Kindler

#54. When I started out in the late '80s, my act was pretty terrible, and for years, I kind of toiled in obscurity. I don't believe in a hierarchy in comedy; I feel that a person deserves respect the first time they get onstage, and after that, they just have to be funny and get more consistent.

Andy Kindler

#55. Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

Andy Kindler

#56. My big fear is that I'll put down so many people, I'll have to leave show biz.

Andy Kindler

#57. I will say that I wasn't susceptible to Tony Robbins-like pitches, even as a younger man.

Andy Kindler

#58. I'm Jewish ... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.

Andy Kindler

#59. I'm on a mission. If I can make even one person not enjoy something they're currently enjoying, it's all worth it!

Andy Kindler

#60. George Lopez is always on the verge of hilarity. If he could ever think of something funny to say, if he had a funny thought in his mind, he's ready to go.

Andy Kindler

#61. I don't enjoy writing newspaper articles any more than people like reading them. I'm a standup comic, not a journalist, although sometimes onstage I will say: 'What else is in the news?' Writing is work, which I'm not comfortable with.

Andy Kindler

#62. I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.

Andy Kindler

#63. Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.

Andy Kindler

#64. I don't consider myself a political comedian because it's so hard. It takes time away from me saying terrible things about TV.

Andy Kindler

#65. My favorite comedians are basically themselves onstage.

Andy Kindler

#66. Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

Andy Kindler

#67. I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

Andy Kindler

#68. If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

Andy Kindler

#69. From 1987 to 1992, I was on the road for 40 weeks a year playing comedy clubs, and that was during the 'comedy boom.'

Andy Kindler

#70. Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

Andy Kindler

#71. 'The Graduate' should have won best picture over 'In the Heat of the Night.'

Andy Kindler

#72. The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

Andy Kindler

#73. I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?

Andy Kindler

#74. I even get tired performing standup, which is normally a low-impact exercise in futility but looks hard the way I do it. That's why I take a lot of breaks, often stopping in the middle of a joke to catch my breath, or blame the crowd for not laughing before the punchline.

Andy Kindler

#75. Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.

Andy Kindler

#76. I've never been paid as a prognosticator. I don't get a lot of work as a mentalist.

Andy Kindler

#77. Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.

Andy Kindler

#78. You tell me that 'Date Night' was good? I'm not going to see it. I will debate you on it, having no knowledge of the footage in the film. I was next to someone on the plane watching it, and they were dozing off.

Andy Kindler

#79. When did I start comedy? I came out of the womb and did 10 minutes.

Andy Kindler

#80. I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more.

Andy Kindler

#81. I did not sell Amway, but I sold Shaklee, which was an Amway-type product sold through multi-level marketing.

Andy Kindler

#82. I wanted to like 'Up in the Air' - I like Jason Reitman - but Vera Farmiga left me cold.

Andy Kindler

#83. I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

Andy Kindler

#84. Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

Andy Kindler

#85. The Comedy Bar is an intimate club, which I prefer. I refuse to play theatres, because large empty spaces make me nervous, and I don't enjoy the echo. I'm no sell out. Literally.

Andy Kindler

#86. I've sold a lot of different product. Very briefly, I sold Time Life Books on the phone.

Andy Kindler

#87. I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.

Andy Kindler

#88. Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.

Andy Kindler

#89. I feel completely fearless when I'm on stage. And also totally fearful. There's the fear that I'm not making a very smart career move sometimes, but there's the stronger belief that these things need to be said.

Andy Kindler

#90. I sold door to door for a couple years. As the years recede from the event, I remember less about it, which is probably good for my mind. It was home improvement in Cerritos California, Buena Park, that area.

Andy Kindler

#91. I would like Albert Brooks to have received the Oscars for best actor, best director and best screenplay for 'Modern Romance.' I love that movie.

Andy Kindler

#92. I have to say, after hanging out with Republicans for four days, I want to take a look at my own birth certificate. I don't think I was born in this country.

Andy Kindler

#93. CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.

Andy Kindler

#94. I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.

Andy Kindler

#95. I'm still doing what I've always wanted to do, and how big it gets or how much money I make for it or how popular I am in the public's eye is really not that important, even though it's hard to let that go.

Andy Kindler

#96. My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.

Andy Kindler

#97. You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza.

Andy Kindler

#98. I'm not trying to do anything except entertain America.

Andy Kindler

#99. My manager came up with the name 'State of the Industry,' and it was just one of those things. It just took off. Well, I don't know about 'took off.' I'm not in the stratosphere.

Andy Kindler

#100. Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

Andy Kindler