Top 100 Kevin Hearne Quotes
#1. There's a reason Bath & Body Works doesn't have a line of products called Huge Fucking Squirrel.
Kevin Hearne
#2. It is a catalyst for suicide and untold other acts of selfishness and stupidity. I cannot think of a more poisonous emotion.
Kevin Hearne
#4. So my free advice is to always find something to love and to make you laugh - something that will keep you in the here and now. Hounds are good at it, and they work for me. They may or may not work for you.
Kevin Hearne
#5. I don't think there is one. We had our priorities straight.
Kevin Hearne
#6. Archdruid used to say. "Get out of the way, get underneath some shelter, or give it some reason to change its mind about falling on you." Then he threw a pissed-off rooster at me. I had
Kevin Hearne
#7. I could only strive to live so that my merit outweighed my discredit.
Kevin Hearne
#8. I still didn't know quite what the witches were capable of. The threshold could be booby-trapped or enchanted. I could be walking into a cage fight with a demon. Hell, she could open the door with a Glock 9 in her hand and put a bullet in my ear, or throw a cat at me, or call me a damn hippie.
Kevin Hearne
#9. The plan was simple. Once on the Plain of Idavoll, we were going to follow the immortal strategy of Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh and "announce [our] presence with authority.
Kevin Hearne
#10. My dad's idea of bonding was throwing me in the tar pits to teach me a lesson, though I'm not sure what the lesson was, except to stay the hell away from Da.
Kevin Hearne
#11. Poison?" she (Granuaile)said,"I hope it isn't iocane powder.
Kevin Hearne
#12. Turns out that when you kill a god, people want to talk to you.
Kevin Hearne
#13. Underneath their human guises, they looked like the typical faery - that is, no wings, scantily clad and kind of man-pretty like Orlando Bloom's Legolas ...
Kevin Hearne
#14. Not everyone can be bribed with meat, Oberon."
"They Can't? Oh! you mean they're vegetarian."
"No, they eat meat. It just doesn't sway their decision making process."
"Well that ... that's just wrong, Atticus!Are they Monsters? It's like they have no moral center!
Kevin Hearne
#15. The future is a many-forked path," she said, "and only you can choose which one to follow." "I know that. What I don't know is what waits at the end of those paths." "Victory or death. Choose well.
Kevin Hearne
#16. It's a coffee place. You can't just automatically classify anything that isn't a steak house as vegetarian.
Yes, I can. This is America. You said Americans assert heir own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient fast as mere opinions.
Kevin Hearne
#17. I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching silently.
Kevin Hearne
#18. What does one do when one needs to pray to the gods for patience but a god is causing the need for patience?
Kevin Hearne
#20. I think he got your goat, Atticus! And I've been meaning to ask you about the expression. When people get your goat, what do they do with it? Do they eat it or hold it for ransom or what?
Kevin Hearne
#21. When you thumb your nose at the laws of physics like you've been doing, the universe tends to get you back through biology. Atticus
Kevin Hearne
#22. A son of a Jedi Knight? I thought the Jedi weren't allowed such relationships."
That wrung an half ironic grin out of me. "Guess I'm not allowed, then.
Kevin Hearne
#23. We should be going in there with a thousand naked warriors who fight like wet cats with dodgy bowls.
Kevin Hearne
#24. Careful with that ego, you could knock somebody over. Atticus
Kevin Hearne
#25. The mad fucker just laughed that insane laugh and pulled his sword out of his ass. Zeus, now afflicted with acute pietism, gasped and asked him to do that again. Jupiter slapped him to to the ground, and yelled for him to get his priorities in order.
Kevin Hearne
#26. You're going to need a dann big can of big spray! Or maybe a rocket-propelled grenade. I have one in the garage, you want it?
Kevin Hearne
#27. I just shook hands with a naked goddess. What was that she called you? She-ya-han? Does that mean dumbass in Old Irish or something?
Kevin Hearne
#28. Being immortal did not make me invincible. Look at what the Bacchants did to that poor Orpheus fella.
Kevin Hearne
#29. Malina looked incredulous. "Are you anything more than a Druid?"
"Of course I am. I own this shop and I play a mean game of chess, and I've been told that I'm a frakkin' Cylon."
"What's a frakkin' Cylon?"
"I don't know, but it sounds really scary when you say it with a Polish Accent.
Kevin Hearne
#30. That was it. Owen grabbed his arm, yanked it toward him, and head-butted the punk. He went down with a yelp and Owen stood up, kicking his chair away behind him. "Respect your elders, lad!"
The inn got quiet the way things will when shit gets real.
Kevin Hearne
#32. So after I killed him and stowed his body next to the doe, I sampled his smoothie concoction in the parking lot and found it to be quite delicious.
Kevin Hearne
#33. Now go and stake some vamps. Especially the sparkly emo ones.
Kevin Hearne
#34. My neighbor raised a shaking index finger to point at the saguaro. "That moving cactus ... and the big bug ... and you, you spooky bastard. What are you?
I stuffed my hands in my pockets and grinned winningly at him. "Why, I'm the Antichrist, of course.
Kevin Hearne
#35. Atticus, I think we're being stalked by the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock. First it was a Vulture adn now two giant ravens are coming our way. Oberon
Kevin Hearne
#36. The function of assholes in the world, just like the asshole we all have, is to spread shit around.
Kevin Hearne
#37. We banked around until we found a rainbow in the dark. It was on this occasion that I discovered that Granuaile had never heard of Ronnie James Dio. My shock at this news was such that I almost completely missed the fact that we were traveling on Bifrost, the rainbow bridge to Asgard.
Kevin Hearne
#38. didn't deserve that kind of trauma. He was so tiny.
Kevin Hearne
#39. [ ... ] we are on the payrolls of two dozen different companies as consultants, but we do absolutely nothing for our paychecks, just like normal consultants.
Kevin Hearne
#40. You build and do not destroy; you sow goodwill and reap it; smiles bloom in the wake of your passing, and I will keep your kindness in trust and share it as occasion arises, so that your life will be a quenching draught of calm in a land of drought and stress.
Kevin Hearne
#41. I didn't respond, because naked people never win arguments.
Kevin Hearne
#43. I should like to take this opportunity to name you Sherlock and point out that there is no shit.
Kevin Hearne
#44. Wisdom eludes me yet, but foolishness I captured long ago and to this day it is my constant companion, though many people consider me wise.
Kevin Hearne
#45. When a fight comes at ye, it's not going to ask if you're in shape for it! Ye have to be ready whenever it comes, and the day I'm not ready for a fight is the day I'm dead!
Kevin Hearne
#46. When he said to give him the sword, I don't think he meant for you to stick it in his guts.
Kevin Hearne
#47. Dude. If that was a Shakespearean quote duel, he just kicked your ass.
Kevin Hearne
#48. Silly cop, I don't need your help; I have a werewolf on retainer.
Kevin Hearne
#49. Leif stared at me, utterly still, the way only vampires and pet rocks can manage.
Kevin Hearne
#50. No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet."
"Ohhhh," he said. "I thought you were speaking literally."
"I do beg your pardon. Let's literally throw up, but figuratively throw down.
Kevin Hearne
#51. But now that she was my apprentice, every such thought caused a guilty twitch in my neck, as if someone had dropped a sleek, stinky ferret there. Guilt ferrets are bastards.
Kevin Hearne
#52. It's best not to experiment on yourself. Bacon practically froze himself to death in one of his experiments and died of pneumonia."
{Right! Bacon must be heated. Knew that already, but thanks for the reminder.}
Kevin Hearne
#53. They were lounging, in fact, in an almost ostentatious manner, as if to say to passersby like myself, Look uponst my exquisite lounging, foolish mortal, and mourn that you will never lounge with such cosmopolitan savoir faire.
Kevin Hearne
#54. Douglas Adams was right: There is nothing so massively useful in the universe as a towel.
Kevin Hearne
#55. Revenge and rational thought never sleep together.
Kevin Hearne
#56. Wow you need to get some sun."
"Shut up. I'm Irish.
Kevin Hearne
#57. Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk.
Kevin Hearne
#58. We don't need to play her witch's games. They always want to get you and your little dog, too." "I knew I never should have let you watch The Wizard of Oz." "Toto didn't deserve that kind of trauma. He was so tiny.
Kevin Hearne
#59. When in doubt, know your way out, I always say."
"I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'"
"Well, yeah, that too."
Oberon said.
Kevin Hearne
#61. To steer from the passenger seat. I sniggered. You have
Kevin Hearne
#62. [I don't get it. You guys look down on chimps for flinging their own poo but you think it's fine to fling other kinds of poo around? I mean, you get opposable thumbs and this is what you do with them?]
Kevin Hearne
#63. Giving a witch your body fluids is akin to slicing off a choice cut of your buttocks and offering it to a werewolf.
Kevin Hearne
#64. Wooo!' he said, slamming his shot glass down and coughing a bit. 'That's good stuff.'
I agreed heartily. 'Shall we do another one?' I asked.
'Oh no,' Jesus said quietly, his eyes growing round. 'This is one of those situations where I have to stop and ask myself, what would I do?
Kevin Hearne
#65. Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?"
Oberon "Poochism"
A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?"
O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy.
Kevin Hearne
#66. People used to say obvious things ironically or as a form of understatement, but in the last few decades they seem to say it with a sense of discovery, and it worries me.
Kevin Hearne
#67. I tend to vacillate between belief systems. Right now I'm kind of checking out the whole buffet, you know, and maybe in a little while I'll decide on what I want to put on my plate and chow down on.
Kevin Hearne
#68. If you tell me I have to talk like an illiterate halfwit to fit into this society, I will punch you.
Kevin Hearne
#69. There are some sights that, once seen, can never be unseen. They replay themselves on a loop in your mind's home-theatre system with Dolby surround sound until you're so desperate to be rid of them that you'll resort to other loops simply to dislodge them for a while.
Kevin Hearne
#70. I had privately changed 'This, too, shall pass' into 'You, too, shall die'.
Kevin Hearne
#71. People today think ancient Egypt was ineffably cool. I blame this misconception on hieroglyphics and (to a lesser extent) on the Bangles.
Kevin Hearne
#72. Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me.
Kevin Hearne
#73. Their numbers swell like viruses until they madden someone with a large army.
Kevin Hearne
#75. You can't put your fist through a man's wood and expect him to forgive and forget.
Kevin Hearne
#76. Occasionally I am smitten with an acute case of Smug. It can happen to anyone, but it happens most often to people who think they've been especially clever.
Kevin Hearne
#77. Other people in my life right now, who help me forget all the other people I have buried or lost: They are truly magic for me.
Kevin Hearne
#78. For now, bread and mead call us, appetites whetted, to witness what I have been nursing, encased in iron, licked by flame, and tended with relish.
Kevin Hearne
#79. Saint Lassie smiles upon me! It's Coyote, with a bag of goodies.
Kevin Hearne
#80. When you're in the middle of a killing field and the fucking Chooser of the Slain tells you to do something, you do it.
Kevin Hearne
#81. You can be told that reading Victor Hugo will sap your will to live, but you can't understand what that means until you've read a few chapters and your eyes have glazed over and someone has to revive you with a defibrillator. Sophie and the six crewmen might have understood
Kevin Hearne
#82. You are telling me that your lawyer is a bloodsucking vampire?
Kevin Hearne
#83. I'm not a proper anything. Majoring in philosophy kind of turns positive assertions into maybes.
Kevin Hearne
#85. It shall be called the Triple Nonfat Double Bacon Five-Cheese Mocha!>
Kevin Hearne
#86. I'm totally a ninja wolfhound. This car is ridiculous, though. He has a revolting citrus air freshener in here. Do you know when his birthday is? We should get him one that smells like steak or Italian sausage.
Kevin Hearne
#87. On a Creep Scale from Hello Kitty to Cthulhu, I award it a Freddy
Krueger.
Granuaile MacTiernan
Kevin Hearne
#88. Now, I know I am not a craftsmen... but greatness is in the act of creation and not necessarily in the finished product. Creating is the yin to the yang of our consumption and the doorway to beauty that we all want to walk through. Creating is how I tell the world I love it." ~ Atticus
Kevin Hearne
#89. I hurt in places I didn't know were places.
Kevin Hearne
#90. Ye know what me Sean used to say, God rest his soul? He said, 'A friend will help ye move, Katie, but a really good friend will help ye move a body.
Kevin Hearne
#91. Behind me, I heard my apprentice growl, All your base are belong to us, Niko.
Kevin Hearne
#92. The point is, Mrs. MacDonagh, that the universe is exactly the size that your soul can encompass. Some people live in extremely small worlds, and some live in a world of infinite possibility.
Kevin Hearne
#93. My mouth gaped and I think I might have whimpered. The Norns had obliterated him completely - a creature they'd known for centuries - because of me. It was like watching Rudolph get shot by Santa Claus.
Kevin Hearne
#95. Horns honked in our wake, and people stomped on their brakes at the sight of a black Mustang being pursued by an airborne chariot.
Kevin Hearne
#96. Other times escape our notice, slipping by while we are preoccupied, and we do not appreciate their enormity until it's too late to do anything but regret that we had not paid more attention in the present.
Kevin Hearne
#97. Our minds are all that defend us from the horror of the void. The majority of the time we simply think about something-anything-else, and that itself is an act of defiance against the vast nothing of the universe.
Kevin Hearne
#98. That's it," Flanagan said, his thick hands gripping the bar and his eyes wide. "I'm getting back on the wagon and I'm never getting off again. Oh, Jesus, look at that."
"I'm looking," Jesus said. Flanagan flicked an annoyed glance at him
Kevin Hearne
#99. Atticus "three kinds of cat shit, Oberon."
Oberon "and an arrogant family of squirrels.
Kevin Hearne
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