Jim Norton Quotes

#1. Even a guy like Jim Norton is clinging to his one empty tradition like anyone gives a care. My prayers for his death, as always, went unanswered.

Colin Quinn

#2. Like once we picked Jim Norton as the head of security, the writing flows pretty easily.

Ted Alexandro

#3. Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

Dane Cook

#4. When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating ... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

Jim Norton

#5. I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

Jim Norton

#6. I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

Jim Norton

#7. Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Jim Norton

#8. God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Jim Norton

#9. I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

Jim Norton

#10. God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

Jim Norton

#11. My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.

Jim Norton

#12. The only time the press doesn't sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

Jim Norton

#13. People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.

Jim Norton

#14. I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

Jim Norton

#15. I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

Jim Norton

#16. I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

Jim Norton

#17. You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is ... about couscous.

Jim Norton

#18. I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

Jim Norton

#19. No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

Jim Norton

#20. You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

Jim Norton

#21. That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

Jim Norton

#22. Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

Jim Norton

#23. What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Jim Norton

#24. I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

Jim Norton

#25. You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

Jim Norton

#26. I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Jim Norton

#27. And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

Jim Norton

#28. There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

Jim Norton

#29. Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.

Jim Norton

#30. People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

Jim Norton

#31. Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, "I'm sorry." It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

Jim Norton

#32. People are too worried a lot of times what other people in the audience are going to think about them, so they like to feign offense so other people don't think that they're inappropriate for laughing at something.

Jim Norton

#33. I don't pull out because ... it's not my problem.

Jim Norton

#34. While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Jim Norton

#35. You look like a diabetic strip club owner.

Jim Norton

#36. I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

Jim Norton

#37. I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

Jim Norton

#38. People don't mind positive stereotypes. People don't mind positive assumptions. It's only negative assumptions about them. So their outrage is so arbitrary.

Jim Norton

#39. For the record, I hate skiing ... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Jim Norton

#40. That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

Jim Norton

#41. Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

Jim Norton

#42. What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Jim Norton

#43. From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

Jim Norton

#44. I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

Jim Norton

#45. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

Jim Norton

#46. They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

Jim Norton

#47. I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

Jim Norton