Top 100 Howie Quotes
#1. Howie's doctor told him to lose ten pounds, and since Howie's been on a diet he's gained three.
Janet Evanovich
#2. Howie's troubles were a favorite family topic, and behind the shaking heads and oh it's so sads you could hear the joy pushing right up through because doesn't every family like having one person who's fucked up so fantastically that everyone else feels like a model citizen next to him?
Jennifer Egan
#3. There's always a parade, Howie. When it's something you can't ever join but only watch, then it's a parade
Dean Koontz
#4. Howie was unburdened with human ties or responsibilities. He bounced around from one loser job to another, his adult life spent in and out of trouble, jail and the workhouse without a care in the world. Howie
Dennis Carstens
#5. I don't want to go to the government," the Schwa says.
"Yeah," I said. "They'd dissect him and put him in a formaldehyde fish tank in Area 51."
Howie shook his head. "Area 51 is for aliens," he says. "They'd probably put him in Area 52.
Neal Shusterman
#7. I once called construction companies to bid on an addition to the school library so that there would suddenly be people outside, measuring the building. 'Who authorized this?' the principal would ask. The answer: 'Howie Mandel.'
Howie Mandel
#8. She sighed. "What I wouldn't give for a civilized bathroom."
Howie remained silent out of habit and also because he didn't know what a civilized bathroom was.
Debra Holland
#9. This isn't 'I do something for you, you do something for me'. This is hard-core friendship. Varsity level. This is me asking you to do something for me without getting anything in return. This is friendship, Howie.
Barry Lyga
#10. Jazz opened his eyes.
Conner opened her eyes.
Howie opened his eyes.
Barry Lyga
#11. Howie swore translated to "I am strong and mighty in the wind," but which Jazz feared actually translated to "Another dumbass white kid with Asian tats. LOL.
Barry Lyga
#12. Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.
Andy Kindler
#13. I'm playing 10 feet from Mike Campbell every night. I look across the stage, there's Howie. Tom's in the middle and we're playing all this stuff I love. It's great.
Benmont Tench
#14. How come you're always so mean?
Howie Katelnikof
Dana Stabenow
#15. Should I push him or should I throw him?" Howie asks.
"Do what comes naturally," I yelled back.
"I don't know," he says. "This is a very unnatural thing.
Neal Shusterman
#16. I know intellectually that if I shake somebody's hand that I'm not going to get sick and die.
Howie Mandel
#17. Most of my act is improvisation. I'm inspired for the moment. Standing there in front of 2,000 or 3,000 people you don't know can be pretty inspiring.
Howie Mandel
#18. Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell.
Howie Mandel
#19. You know the green grifters have no argument when they start raising the 'no blood for oil' cry on the blogs. Excuse me, if Obama's make-sure-your-tires-are-properly-inflated administration would simply allow more energy production here in the U.S., that wouldn't be a problem very long, would it?
Howie Carr
#20. I go to therapy a lot. And I'm - I'm open about that, and I try to get the help so that I - so that I can cope and - and make my way in life and with my family.
Howie Mandel
#21. Bobby's World touched a lot of people. That's why the family's last name is Generic. Uncle Ted is based on uncles we've all had.
Howie Mandel
#22. Joe Biden was first elected to the Senate in 1972 at age 30. Somewhere around 1992, he should have had to go out and get a real job.
Howie Carr
#23. My point of reference is life, in everything that I do.
Howie Mandel
#24. I've been chased. I've been pushed. I've been screamed at. I've been verbally abused. I've been afraid for my safety. But I did it all in the name of entertainment.
Howie Mandel
#25. I hate to say this, but at the time, (late 70's) it was like the smart people liked punk and the dumb people liked Journey.
Howie Klein
#26. Girls are like exotic birds. They are pretty to look at but hard to catch.
Howie Dorough
#27. You look at the descriptions of Whitey by law enforcement during his early years, and they sum him up pretty well. He was the same guy 40 years later; he just had $40 million more, and had committed 40 more murders.
Howie Carr
#28. Some version of 'Deal or No Deal' airs in 120 countries. And they play it exactly the same way, with models and briefcases. It crosses language and culture and gender, because it's the simplest game in the world, and everyone wants to press their luck.
Howie Mandel
#29. Part of my humor is the fact that I love coming out of left field. I don't want people to expect what is going to happen next.
Howie Mandel
#30. Regardless of what I do, whether I write a book or whether I act or whether I host, I'll always do stand-up comedy because those moments, that's what I crave. If I do something funny, and I hear a crowd laugh in that moment, we're all sharing the exact same experience and the exact same feeling.
Howie Mandel
#31. Diana Ross saw me on Merv Griffin and hired me to be her opening act.
Howie Mandel
#32. The higher someone's profile, the easier it is for a defendant to trade him up to the feds. Mr. Big is always a better catch than Mr. Small.
Howie Carr
#33. I think among the retired FBI agents there are some who would not like to see him come back, but I think the people running the FBI now are interested in catching him.
Howie Carr
#34. When I went to the Hall of Fame in 2000 and was inducted, it was a travesty the kind of carnage I saw out of these guys who were in their 50s and 60s, who had defined and in many ways laid the foundation for the NFL being what it is today.
Howie Long
#35. But the indisputable fact is, a huge percentage of Obama's voters are basically wards of the state. There are millions of them, and they have no intention of voting for anyone who might want them to ever go out and work for a living - 'no matter what.'
Howie Carr
#36. Larry Bird just throws the ball in the air and God moves the basket underneath it.
Howie Chizek
#37. If you come to any of my live shows, you'll see, it's very frenetic. I have the attention span of a gnat.
Howie Mandel
#38. I don't know if I'm teaching my kids right, but you have to go with your own instincts. You can't be so sure that other people are going to do right by you.
Howie Mandel
#39. All you can do as an artist is just strive to make the best record you can and ride the rollercoaster as it goes up and down.
Howie Dorough
#40. There isn't anybody out there who doesn't have a mental health issue, whether it's depression, anxiety, or how to cope with relationships. Having OCD is not an embarrassment anymore - for me. Just know that there is help and your life could be better if you go out and seek the help.
Howie Mandel
#41. My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too.
Howie Mandel
#42. I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that could possibly be written because you're dealing with humanity. And people can relate to that. It touches everybody who sees it. It hits a nerve.
Howie Mandel
#43. The doctor heard my heartbeat and found out I had an irregular heartbeat. I was not symptomatic or aware of my symptoms. I had no idea that this could make me five times more likely to have a stroke than somebody who doesn't have this.
Howie Mandel
#44. I was totally involved in Bobby's World from the time we started the idea to sitting with the artists on how he would look, to the script meetings, the music, the lyrics, the songs.
Howie Mandel
#45. My childlike qualities sometimes lead me to jump into projects without thinking of the consequences.
Howie Mandel
#46. The day it comes out, there's already things that you start to go, 'Oh, I should have done that a little differently.' You start to make a list in your head. I actually write things down
what I'm going to do next time.
Howie Day
#48. Even the best fall down sometimes.
Howie Day
#49. I've spent more time in Las Vegas than any other city, almost including L.A. where I live.
Howie Mandel
#50. I have an insatiable desire to be the center of attention.
Howie Mandel
#51. People who annoy people are the luckiest people in the world.
Howie Mandel
#52. I was kind of a misfit, actually. When you're young, you want to be like everybody else, and I was like nobody else. I couldn't sit still. I was impulsive. I still am. What is now called a 'talent' did not serve me well as a child. I didn't have friends. I was really an outcast.
Howie Mandel
#53. I'm a huge fan of mine. I go to just about every show I do.
Howie Mandel
#54. The biggest void that people can have in their lives is a sense of humor. Spending your life with someone who doesn't have that wouldn't be palatable.
Howie Mandel
#55. After all these years, it's still amazing what Obama is allowed to get away with. He says low gas prices in 2009 were caused by a terrible economy, but then claims that the lower number of illegal aliens crossing the border is because of his border policies, not the same lousy economy.
Howie Carr
#56. I love voice-acting - I can go to work without wearing pants. Although I did wear pants during Gremlins. But it's always more comfortable to work without. And if you notice, I relate to Gizmo in that way because he also works without pants. I have furry little legs, too.
Howie Mandel
#57. I think the solution to making this world better is if we would just be healthy, mentally.
Howie Mandel
#58. What are the two biggest things online? Selfies and emojis. We're combining them. Instead of sending some character that means nothing with a hat - what if it was your face doing something? Me-moji.
Howie Mandel
#59. My perspective on my mother has changed immensely. She was a lot taller when I was younger.
Howie Mandel
#60. I'm always on the verge of death in my head.
Howie Mandel
#61. About 25 years ago, I started out as a reporter covering politics. And that sort of just evolved into organized crime, because organized crime and politics were the same thing in Boston.
Howie Carr
#62. I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate.
Howie Mandel
#63. Some records are going to be bigger than others. You're always going to be compared to your biggest record.
Howie Dorough
#64. I think it's important for fans to be involved in all aspects of the game. We saw the league certainly make that move towards involving fans with pro bowl voting, I'm not sure that fan voting will ever be a part of the Hall of Fame, but it is always interesting to get the perspective of the fans.
Howie Long
#65. What is the luck of the draw that me - me - who finally writes a book, it comes out in the - in the - in the time, in the center of the first pandemic, H1N1? And I'm going out on signings, and I'm going out to the public. This is the one time when I need to be hermetically sealed.
Howie Mandel
#66. Unlike 'Deal or No Deal,' which is for the entire family, my standup is not for the entire family.
Howie Mandel
#67. One of the great pleasures of having children is spending one-on-one time with them. Sadly, I could do that for only a few minutes at a time. I'd never say that ADD/ADHD is a gift or a blessing. And if someone says it is a gift, I'd love to return it.
Howie Mandel
#68. I used to think Cape Wind was a great idea. That was when Ted Kennedy was alive and railing about how he might spill his Chivas if he had to keep maneuvering the Mya around all those noisy seagull-murdering wind turbines. Anything Ted Kennedy was against, I was for.
Howie Carr
#69. I can go to a lot of games, but I'm not a player. I'm kind of an observer. That's why I think I do what I do in life. I just observe. That's what I find fascinating.
Howie Mandel
#70. I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.
Howie Mandel
#71. After I impulsively revealed that I have OCD on a talk show, I was devastated. I often do things without thinking. That's my ADD/ADHD talking. Out in public, after I did the show, people came to me and said, 'Me, too.' They were the most comforting words I've ever heard.
Howie Mandel
#72. I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADD/ADHD) and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) as an adult, but I don't remember a time when I didn't have them. Back in the 1960s, when I was growing up, my symptoms didn't have a name, and you didn't go to the doctor to find out.
Howie Mandel
#73. In Montana, they renamed a town after an all-time great, Joe Montana. Well, a town in Massachusetts changed their name to honor my guy Terry Bradshaw
Marblehead.
Howie Long
#74. There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another cash bracket.
Howie Mandel
#75. Michelle Obama - they don't call her Mooch-elle for nothing.
Howie Carr
#76. There were 84 original episodes. It was rated No. 1 and No. 2 on the Fox Children's Network. We figured it was time to make it available to people who have never watched it.
Howie Mandel
#77. You must understand printing lies about Republican candidates is OK. It's called vetting. Printing the truth about liberals - that's called 'swift-boating'.
Howie Carr
#78. I have to be the only person in America who had a doctor say to him, 'Please don't put any more surgical gloves on your head and inflate them.'
Howie Mandel
#79. My wife doesn't cook, so we eat out every night. It's not fine dining or anything - we're not fancy people.
Howie Mandel
#80. I think the thrust of any child is to try to fit in and be part of it. And I can't tell you how many times my humor, you know, what I thought was humor ended up making me the outsider. Like I'd be, I go, 'It's a joke.' And they'd go, 'Well, what was funny?' And they just thought I was insane.
Howie Mandel
#81. As an American citizen, I'm not asking for any special treatment - the only thing I ask and want is to be treated just like an Illegal Alien.
Howie Carr
#82. The success of any stand-up act comes out of life experience.
Howie Mandel
#83. If we take care of our mental health like our dental health; we'll be ok.
Howie Mandel
#84. Standup keeps me grounded and keeps me in touch. I get to go from small towns to big cities, across Canada and the U.S., and you're out there and talking to people. You get a sense of what they respond to.
Howie Mandel
#85. I think being a dad is scary. I mean, I'm not that grown-up myself.
Howie Mandel
#86. I've had people come up to me, as home viewers, and tell me they were screaming at the TV, yelling at each other, yelling at the contestants.
Howie Mandel
#87. Sports ideally teach discipline and commitment. They challenge you and build character for everything you do in life.
Howie Long
#88. You can't be the dad who takes your kid out after your wife has said, 'No ice cream,' buys the ice cream, and says, 'Don't tell your mother.' You teach the child to lie - and to disrespect the other parent.
Howie Mandel
#89. I may be more passionate about my comedy because that's the one place where I feel comfortable - because I'm in the now. Performing is the only time of the day when I have to really force every ounce of concentration into whatever's happening in that moment.
Howie Mandel
#90. Which of the following two groups contains the most former grand dragons of the Ku Klux Klan - the first 59 Tea Party people you run into this morning, or the U.S. Senate Democratic caucus?
Howie Carr
#91. Has there ever been anybody, real or fictional, whiter than Betty Crocker?
Howie Carr
#92. In the end, that's what it comes down to with Mitt Romney. He's running as the non-Barack Obama.
Howie Carr
#93. It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work.
Howie Mandel
#94. We sat down and told stories that happened to us in our childhood, to our children. They were all basically based on the truth. These stories were funny and poignant to us. They just took off. These are all stories from my life.
Howie Mandel
#95. Reporters used to be blue-collar; at the Globe now, it's practically required that you have a trust fund.
Howie Carr
#96. If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?
Howie Mandel
#97. You release these things, and if they fly then you have more.
Howie Mandel
#98. The goal of Football Rules & Positions In A Day For Dummies is to help you understand the basics of football rules and the player positions.
Howie Long
#99. Now I have new stories and I feel refreshed. There is talk of Bobby's World eventually coming back. I would be happy to do that.
Howie Mandel
#100. Your words hurt, Jazz. They hurt like cotton balls thrown in my direction.
Barry Lyga
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