Top 46 Howard Tayler Quotes
#1. AAAAIIIE!
You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing!
Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things?
-Sergeant Schlock
Howard Tayler
#2. Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff."
"Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?"
"No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.
Howard Tayler
#3. You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being."
"It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.
Howard Tayler
#4. Two minutes worth of signal analysis told me all I needed to know. This station "talks" to the dark matter universe about what goes on inside."
"How did you cobble together a jammer so quickly?"
"I had one on me.
Howard Tayler
#5. We either need an overwhelming force advantage, or we need more information."
"Reinforcements cut into our bounty, remember?"
"It's unanimous. We need more information.
Howard Tayler
#7. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.
-Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon
Howard Tayler
#8. Are you guys really arguing over where to eat dinner?"
"It's one of the more savage tools in the diplomatic arsenal.
Howard Tayler
#9. Right now I've got just two rules to live by.
Rule one: don't taunt elephants.
Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.
-Sergeant Schlock
Howard Tayler
#10. They're holding flushes of face cards, and I think we're the pot.
Howard Tayler
#11. New orders: Make sure everybody who doesn't want to live here is aboard in five minutes. We are leaving.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
#12. No! Wait! I've got a better idea ... "
"Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock."
"And your point is ... "
"Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'.
Howard Tayler
#13. Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.
None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.
Howard Tayler
#14. The spirit of the law is the least of the things we're prepared to violate.
Howard Tayler
#15. Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.
Munitions Commander? Why me?
I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
#16. How many words are you having trouble with, sir?"
"Just the ones that I've highlighted."
"I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph."
"That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.
Howard Tayler
#17. Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over."
"Not guilty."
"Also, it's not very nice to lie in court."
"But it beats extradition.
Howard Tayler
#18. Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.
Howard Tayler
#19. Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain.
Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body?
See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?
-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon
Howard Tayler
#20. When the messenger arrives and says 'Don't shoot the messenger,' it's a good idea to be prepared to shoot the messenger, just in case.
Howard Tayler
#21. Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.
Howard Tayler
#22. When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
#23. There are customers we serve, and customers we service.
-Captain Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
#24. Maxim 2:
A sergeant in motion outranks a lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Howard Tayler
#25. Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.
Actually I'm finished.
In one afternoon? Wow ... Does it work?
After a fashion.
...
I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
#26. When I find the guy who torched that forest, I'm going to eat him. And I'm only going to half-cook him first.
-Sergeant Schlock
Howard Tayler
#27. As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.
-Captain Tagon
Howard Tayler
#28. I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.
Howard Tayler
#29. Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?
Howard Tayler
#30. Technically, you don't pay me.
And technically, most of what I do is "think."
I ... rrr. ummm.
And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.
-Ennesby & Captain Tagon
Howard Tayler
#31. That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant."
"Well, the elephant started it."
"That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."
-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock
Howard Tayler
#32. Do me a favor, doc?"
"Anything, Captain."
"Stop italicizing the word 'Captain' when you say it."
"Go easy on the fourth wall there, sir."
-Captain Andreyasn & Doctor Bunnigus
Howard Tayler
#33. Is it really 'pro bono' if a lawyer takes your case in exchange for explosives?
-Captain Hartung
Howard Tayler
#34. The way you blunder from one catastrophe to the next, it's a wonder the whole galaxy doesn't hate you.
The galaxy is a big place, General. You provincial military types don't get far enough out to really see that.
-General Tagon & Captain Kevyn Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
#35. The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?"
"Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!"
"I guess that explains their rich military history, then.
Howard Tayler
#36. You know ... confessing to avoid prosecution is a time-honored strategy.
I don't want to be honored with time. Honor me with "slap-on-the-wrist," or maybe even "scot free.
Howard Tayler
#37. Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.
Howard Tayler
#38. Where's your sense of adventure? It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi. -Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
#39. This document outlines our plan to perpetrate insurance fraud, insider trading, and character assassination.
... hopefully tripling our paycheck on this job.
Okay, see? Those words I understand just fine. Use them more often.
-Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon
Howard Tayler
#40. What do you think? Overkill?"
"I don't believe there is any such thing.
But in this case, 'yes, overkill.
Howard Tayler
#41. I'm a disgruntled ex-civil servant, and I'm armed. If you don't process my license right now I'm going to start making small, yet significant holes in people.
Howard Tayler
#42. Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.
Howard Tayler
#43. So you're a fellow mercenary, then."
"Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?"
"Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you ... But only if it's convenient.
Howard Tayler
#44. Now, let's hear some properly terrified screaming, puny humans!
Howard Tayler
#45. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.
Howard Tayler
#46. The size of the promised paycheck is inversely proportional to the likelihood of surviving to collect it.
Howard Tayler
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