Halpern Quotes

#1. If it is true that you are what you eat, it may just as accurately be said that you are what you listen to. STEVEN HALPERN

Anodea Judith

#2. Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching
and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.

Laurie Notaro

#3. When they were all ready, Halpern again counted them in, and the lyrical clarinet line floated over the strings and, Max felt, out of the open window and on, out and out over the hot, dusty July city like summer rain.

Lucy Beckett

#4. On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler's List What do you want - the candy? They're throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?

Justin Halpern

#5. Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

Justin Halpern

#6. Seeing someone you used to date is a lot like watching highlights of your favorite team losing in the Super Bowl: just the sight of it hits you like a punch in the gut and makes you remember how upset you were when it all went down in flames.

Justin Halpern

#7. Imagine having no chain of titles for cars, no VIN numbers, and no DMV. There'd be total chaos! But that's basically the system for debt.

Jake Halpern

#8. [The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.

Justin Halpern

#9. [A]lthough there are many arguments that strongly support the establishment of a national securities regulator in Canada, it is not entirely clear that the regulatory response to the ABCP meltdown is among them.

Paul Halpern

#10. What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part.

Justin Halpern

#11. You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day ... I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.

Justin Halpern

#12. On My Response to Having My Tires Slashed Oh, don't go to the goddamned cops. They're busy with real shit. I don't want my tax dollars going to figuring out who thinks you're an asshole.

Justin Halpern

#13. I hadn't gone to one dance in my entire high school
career. I was six foot tall and a hundred and twenty
pounds. When I danced, I looked like a praying mantis
on fire.

Justin Halpern

#14. Your friends' parents drive like assholes. Tell them it's an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan.

Justin Halpern

#15. The worst thing you can be is a liar ... Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

Justin Halpern

#16. You worry too much. Eat some bacon ... what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

Justin Halpern

#17. A culture that values only what has succeeded before, where the first rule of success is that there must be something 'measured' and counted, is not a culture that will sustain alternatives to market-driven 'creativity.

Sue Halpern

#18. All right. Here's the deal. You're eight," he said. "I'm nine," I said. "Do I look like I carry an abacus with your name on it? Cut me some slack here, son.

Justin Halpern

#19. When I had an earache, my mom would piss in my ear to kill the pain,

Justin Halpern

#20. When I die, I die. I could give a shit, 'cause it ain't my problem. I'd just rather not shit my pants on the way there,

Justin Halpern

#21. You are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we'll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet.

Justin Halpern

#22. I ran through the manuscript in the space of a day, much as one might pick compulsively at a box of chocolates. It was simply too provocative to put down. Has the potential of being highly influential inside the field and among an informed public.

Baruch Halpern

#23. I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

Justin Halpern

#24. Trusting each other is the beginning of a certain secular faith, a faith that allows us to live in families and communities and nations. Democracy, above all other forms of government, requires this faith ...

Sue Halpern

#25. There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

Justin Halpern

#26. I didn't have a boyfriend. I had someone to watch horror movies with while my best friend was too sick with cancer.

Julie Halpern

#27. You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is.

Justin Halpern

#28. Hindsight is of little value in the decision-making process. It distorts our memory for events that occurred at the time of the decision so that the actual consequence seems to have been a "foregone conclusion." Thus, it may be difficult to learn from our mistakes.

Diane F. Halpern

#29. On the Television Show The X-Files So, the woman and the dopey-looking guy screw, and then they look for aliens - or they just screw and sometimes aliens follow them?

Justin Halpern

#30. Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself.

Justin Halpern

#31. What if I have bad breath?' I asked.
'Chew on some gum,' she said.
'What if I can't find his tongue?'
'Back off on your tongue until you can feel his.'
'What if he throws up in my mouth?'
'Um, that would just be gross.

Julie Halpern

#32. Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she's been accidentally delivered to a baby shower.

Justin Halpern

#33. Life is fucking long, especially if you're stupid.

Justin Halpern

#34. I did it. Who leaves a message like that? Who is so paranoid that they have to be so cryptic? If this wasn't day one of my Summer of Nothing, I might be in a hurry to figure this out. but first: breakfast.

Julie Halpern

#35. We are made of memories and formed by experience. I keep wondering what kind of people we would be, and what kind of world this would be, if when bad things happened we could erase them, or somehow make them sweet.

Sue Halpern

#36. Still, the thought of the words "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" had me shaking and crying and unable to speak. What a statement. What a beautiful, unselfish, loving, trusting statement.

Adena Halpern

#37. No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..

Justin Halpern

#38. Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don't know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.

Justin Halpern

#39. Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.

Justin Halpern

#40. On My Trip to Europe I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid.

Justin Halpern

#41. The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of.

Justin Halpern

#42. Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.

Justin Halpern

#43. You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

Justin Halpern

#44. My bottom belly was gone! I'd contemplated having that thing sucked out many times, but if you've ever had a face-lift and a brow lift and felt the pain of that, it makes you pause before doing anything else too invasive.

Adena Halpern

#45. Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something? ... Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking.

Justin Halpern

#46. You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.

Justin Halpern

#47. Welfare recipients are often perceived as getting money for doing nothing.13 However, decades of on-the-ground studies of welfare recipients have shown that the program has extracted at least a psychic price.

Sarah Halpern-Meekin

#48. I was interested in this relationship between the armed robber and the banker who were from different worlds but had similar goals. It was kind of a metaphor for this larger marriage of the banks selling off their debt and these street guys scrapping over it.

Jake Halpern

#49. On Receiving Straight As on My Report Card Hot damn! You're a smart kid - I don't care what people say about you! ... I'm kidding, nobody says you're not smart. They say other stuff, but not that.

Justin Halpern

#50. You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit.

Justin Halpern

#51. You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.

Justin Halpern

#52. If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup

Justin Halpern

#53. I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.

Justin Halpern

#54. Rutherford showed how radio waves could travel long distances, penetrate walls, and magnetize iron.

Paul Halpern

#55. I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.

Justin Halpern

#56. Accept what is, rather than forcing what you think should be. Emma

Leslie C Halpern

#57. Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

Justin Halpern

#58. I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.

Justin Halpern

#59. Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

Justin Halpern

#60. You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.

Justin Halpern

#61. Just tell me how much money I have to give you to never leave this couch.

Justin Halpern

#62. ...the reward for getting through life is getting life itself.

Sue Halpern

#63. I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.

Justin Halpern

#64. objects were governed by their interactions

Paul Halpern

#65. On Friendship
You got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.

Justin Halpern

#66. Deities can actually own property in India, though the law treats them as minors, and they must be represented by an official guardian.

Jake Halpern

#67. When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!

Julie Halpern

#68. You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

Justin Halpern

#69. Spinoza had argued that God, synonymous with nature, was immutable and eternal, leaving no room for chance. Agreeing with Spinoza, Einstein sought the invariant rules governing nature's mechanisms. He was absolutely determined to prove that the world was absolutely determined.

Paul Halpern

#70. Raisins again. I like raisins, but I have a habit of losing one or two on the floor every time I eat them. I always find them later and think they are: a) a mouse turd or b) a cockroach. Then I figure out it's a raisin and sigh with relief. This pretty much happens every time I find a lost raisin.

Julie Halpern

#71. Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.

Justin Halpern

#72. On Furnishing One's Home
Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.

Justin Halpern

#73. How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.

Justin Halpern

#74. So I carried on, waiting for what ever was to come, with or without God's help

Julie Halpern

#75. On Dealing with Bullies "You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it." On

Justin Halpern

#76. I have always kept a stack of library books next to my bed as a lifeline. If I ever woke in the middle of the night too scared to move or too sad to roll over, the books were my saviors.

Julie Halpern

#77. In the fall of 1998, I began my freshman year at San Diego State University, which my dad commonly referred to as 'Harvard, without all the smart people.

Justin Halpern

#78. Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

Justin Halpern

#79. Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife ... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon

Justin Halpern

#80. That woman was sexy ... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

Justin Halpern

#81. Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.

Justin Halpern

#82. I'm probably the only person on earth who had to be committed to a mental hospital to find a date.

Julie Halpern

#83. My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.

Justin Halpern

#84. Char bought a pack of clove cigarettes, claiming they tasted good, to which I ask why doesn't she just go suck on a clove so I don't have to inhale her perfumed second hand smoke?

Julie Halpern

#85. I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken ... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.

Justin Halpern

#86. I can't buy the idea that we're supposed to live and learn from horrible things. That somehow these things happen so we can grow as people

Julie Halpern

#87. Finding any semblance of unity would require extraordinary pattern-recognition skills, a keen imagination, and a hearty sense of humor

Paul Halpern

#88. On the SATs Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important.

Justin Halpern

#89. Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.

Justin Halpern

#90. On My Eighth-Grade Graduation Ceremony They're celebrating you graduating from eighth grade? We just went to your sixth-grade graduation two goddamned years ago! Jesus Christ, why don't they just throw a fucking party every time you properly wipe your ass?

Justin Halpern

#91. We aint a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that.

Justin Halpern

#92. I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words rather eloquently.

Justin Halpern

#93. When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

Justin Halpern

#94. It is essential not only to the souls of painters and poets, who thrive in solitude, but to the rest of us, too
individuals whose canvas is our lives.

Sue Halpern

#95. On Yard Work
What are you doing with that rake? ... No, that is not raking ... What? Different styles of raking? No there is one style, and then there is bullshit. Guess which one you're doing.

Justin Halpern

#96. On Proper Etiquette for Borrowing His Car You borrowed the car, and now it smells like shit. I don't care if you smell like shit, that's your business. But when you shit up my car, then that's my business. Take it somewhere and un-shit that smell.

Justin Halpern

#97. That was my concept from the beginning - a crazy caper that's a parable for what happens in the absence of regulation.

Jake Halpern

#98. My mother was being hounded by a debt collector over a debt that she didn't owe, and she eventually just paid it because she wanted the calls to stop. I was very surprised. It sounded so strange. I started poking around on the Internet and found this was extremely common.

Jake Halpern

#99. See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.

Justin Halpern

#100. The unasked-for gift of being with people at the end of their lives...is a simple but profound appreciation of the here and now of life itself.

Sue Halpern