Top 100 Gutfeld Quotes
#1. Greg Gutfeld is funnier than all the smart people I know, and smarter than all the funny people I know. I don't know what that makes him. But one of the smartest, funniest people I know, is fair to say.
Matt Labash
#2. Is your relationship strong enough to survive a trip to Ikea? Is their furniture strong enough to survive a relationship? Have you ever bought a bed there?
Greg Gutfeld
#3. Delayed gratification is the one thing we ignore these days. And if you delay it, it becomes more pleasurable later in life.
Greg Gutfeld
#4. What I'm going to miss is the competition, being, that's OK, I can watch from the house.
Greg Gutfeld
#5. It goes back to the if identity becomes your achievement, what do you do, this is what happens? And I do think it leads to psychological disorders. You have to start doing things and stop thinking about yourself.
Greg Gutfeld
#6. You can't get more racist than hating black conservatives just because they're black.
Greg Gutfeld
#7. It's not enough to be right because he [Rick Perry] is right, you got to be persuasively right, got to be intellectually agile, and I think he can do it.
Greg Gutfeld
#8. The most problematic word in America is the word "problematic." It's a wuss word used by people to silence language without actually saying that they want to silence you. They don't want to go full fascist.
Greg Gutfeld
#9. We're already going down that path with illegal drug use and incarceration. I can't imagine it getting any worse.
Greg Gutfeld
#10. Compare Russell Brand with Mark Levin. My politics align more with Levin, but Brand still makes me giggle. And I hate his politics. He's a piece of hairy dog shit, but he's quick-witted - and that makes him a persuasive piece of hairy dog shit.
Greg Gutfeld
#11. Essentially, the Tea Party are the Hell's Angels, but with sun visors instead of switch blades. They push macaroni instead of meth. Mess with the Tea Party and they'll put your dog in an American flag sweater on a hot day.
Greg Gutfeld
#12. When you get famous and rich when you're young, what happens is you start feeling insecure.
Greg Gutfeld
#13. I guess if your heart's in the right place, the trash can go anywhere.
Greg Gutfeld
#14. The metric system was designed to get people to enter charity runs.Do you think you would go run a 3.1 mile race? No, but if somebody says, hey, 5 km. You go, 5km sounds pretty impressive.
Greg Gutfeld
#15. It was then that I realized that while playing the well-meaning tolerant individual (in short: liberal) garnered you fans and grades, it didn't matter. In my heart and head, I was a fraud.
Greg Gutfeld
#16. The [Confederate] Flag is - literally - sewed division. People claim it means different things to different people, but it harkens back to the pro-slavery side of the war.
Greg Gutfeld
#17. Hurricanes, after all, are the product of global warming, caused by man and his insatiable lust for SUVs (but not private jets).
Greg Gutfeld
#19. If you question whether abortion should be seen as different from removing a tumor, then you must hate women.
Greg Gutfeld
#20. The people who whine about Fox News are hypocrites - they say they're totally tolerant, but when they run into someone who doesn't share their assumptions, they say, 'Fox News is evil, and it must be stopped.'
Greg Gutfeld
#21. I don't understand why a 40 is a quarter of beer when a 40 is 40 ounces. It's time to embrace the metric system.
Greg Gutfeld
#22. You should try to get fired once in a while. It's good for you.
Greg Gutfeld
#23. The problem with legalization is we already have a dependent generation that's subsidized to oblivion. And will legal pot somehow slice another sliver of the population off of the productive world?
Greg Gutfeld
#24. We have two nations, and it's not black or white. It's red and blue. Under Republican leadership, cities tend to do better. Cities are destroyed under Democrats, because they don't know how to deal with the constituency; they're terrified.
Greg Gutfeld
#25. There are always gonna be people that are gonna be offended about something. This will never end.
Greg Gutfeld
#26. As P. J. O'Rourke once observed, no woman daydreams about being swept off her feet by a liberal.
Greg Gutfeld
#27. The great thing about being rich is, you can embrace practices that kill the poor - that's what socialism does.
Greg Gutfeld
#28. Security should not be a black and white thing.
Greg Gutfeld
#29. Chris Matthews is so nuts that if he ate a snickers bar it would be cannibalism.
Greg Gutfeld
#30. You have to be more prepared than anyone else in the room, even if you aren't planning on speaking up. (Read two articles on a subject every morning and you'll shine - trust me. It's how I make my living.)
Greg Gutfeld
#31. So let me get this straight - we ban guns, but encourage movies glorifying guns?
Greg Gutfeld
#32. In the old days feminists would mock women who depended so much on a man. Today if the man is the government, not so much. A man who opens the door for you is a Neanderthal; a bureaucrat who pays for your pills? A hero.
Greg Gutfeld
#33. The joy of hate reflects people who get off pretending to hate something, or hate you, in order to score political points. I call them the 'tolerati' - you know, a group of people who claim to be tolerant, except when they run into someone who disagrees with them.
Greg Gutfeld
#34. Hollywood's schizophrenia over guns is matched only by their attitude toward taxes. Ever wonder why they film in Vancouver so often? It ain't for the beaches, I can tell you.
Greg Gutfeld
#35. Steer clear of pot. It's an ambition zapper. Wait till you've made it. When you're 45 buy a bong. But for now, buy a suit.
Greg Gutfeld
#36. I'm sure if you could survey the unborn they would prefer the chance for life over the options of solar power.
Greg Gutfeld
#37. Planned Parenthood's entire existence is basically based on keeping people in the dark through euphemism. You don't call it genocide, you call it reproductive health. So that's why Planned Parenthood has - nobody really thought.
Greg Gutfeld
#38. Legal gun ownership always prevails over the emotionalism of the gun control movement.
Greg Gutfeld
#39. I've always wondered, how did Hitler get away with so much for so long?
Greg Gutfeld
#40. We used to actually kill each other before we discovered rhetoric in words. If you look at other countries, there are people attacking each other in parliament and stuff.
Greg Gutfeld
#41. Ocean privilege does not exist anymore. The world is small. We cannot rely on distance anymore.
Greg Gutfeld
#42. The problem with leftism as a vice is that everyone else is stuck with the hangover.
Greg Gutfeld
#43. The point of cool is to erase your ability to say no. Saying yes buys you cool cachet, but it always ruins your life later.
Greg Gutfeld
#44. People ask me what I am politically and I've previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.
Greg Gutfeld
#45. American people, what about the American people? I think the president delights in the fact that they have been roofied by technology and pop culture. They're not conscious to any expansion of power, which is why they're happy to exist in this dependant decline.
Greg Gutfeld
#46. Believe he should have to actually "work" like the rest of us and he thinks the constituents
Greg Gutfeld
#47. There's an argument that celebrities stop growing mentally the moment they reach stardom and then they just - everything goes away. I think that's true.
Greg Gutfeld
#48. The first mistake is trying to explain morality to a terrorist. Like trying to teach a rock to drive. It is impossible.
Greg Gutfeld
#49. As we all know, there is no force stronger in the rhetorical universe than that of liberal race-guilt.
Greg Gutfeld
#50. That was pretty easy, and I wrote it while delousing my pet tapir.
Greg Gutfeld
#51. The real American ideal of cool which is building businesses, protecting freedom at home and abroad, taking responsibility for your actions, and leaving other people alone to live as they damn well please.
Greg Gutfeld
#52. The problem is, then you see immigrants saving cities in Baltimore and you see 40 Korean groceries get burned down.
Greg Gutfeld
#53. Military simulation is an important way of training people for an emergency
Greg Gutfeld
#54. I don't know if you get anything more adorable than a tiny pig eating an apple. And here's a fun fact. This is how you make apple-smoked bacon.
Greg Gutfeld
#55. Makes me want to go to leave the United States and go to a more sensible place, like Texas.
Greg Gutfeld
#56. Unlike those who fight truly intolerant things like terrorism throughout the world, Madonna is really the lone brave voice in the wilderness standing up against evil.
Greg Gutfeld
#57. We need somebody that can unify a country in spite of a vocal powerful media that's intent on division. It's not about winning the media. It's about winning the people, and I don't think it's necessarily persuasive to eat - to cannibalize yourself. I think that you have to pick the winner.
Greg Gutfeld
#58. We need an idiot middle ground, where we have to be honest and say, kids can be idiots and cops can be idiots.
Greg Gutfeld
#59. Embracing amnesty and open borders. Sure, other countries have borders (the ones most people are fleeing from), but discussing the possibility of an American border is smeared as racist - the
Greg Gutfeld
#60. I realized that no one needed to make fun of liberalism. It was hilarious on its own.
Greg Gutfeld
#61. A funny thing about tolerant people? They're really only tolerant when you agree with them.
Greg Gutfeld
#62. I have to say that Adam Levine is truly a daring young man to go on Twitter to bash Fox News. He's so rebellious, so subversive. I mean, for a musician, seriously, could you find a more predictable stance than that? He's as edgy as a hacky sack, which also describes his music.
Greg Gutfeld
#63. Fake sympathy is the politicians demanding more cash as they ignore the underlying crisis. They prefer money over morality.
Greg Gutfeld
#64. I'm thinking about American votes and American - all Americans, black or white have to be concerned about what's happening in the world.
Greg Gutfeld
#66. When someone in power declares that something is broken that means it's actually fine. What they're really saying is, "Let's change this so I like it and ruin it." Nothing is ever broken.
Greg Gutfeld
#67. Eric Holder sees everything through the prism of race. He keeps that mustache because shaving cream is white.
Greg Gutfeld
#68. Over the long term, symbolic attempts at appearing cool end up replacing honest charity that actually helps people. In most cases, social consciousness, really, is a simplistic strategy to mask a lazy intellect and fulfill a desperate need for attention.
Greg Gutfeld
#69. The longer I live, the more I'm convinced the world is just one big high school, with the cool kids always targeting the uncool.
Greg Gutfeld
#70. Over youth, glamour, and glibness. Fashion has no use for Mitts. But the funny thing about cool? It's not cool. At all. In fact, what's truly cool is the rebellion against the perceived,
Greg Gutfeld
#71. Cool is a weapon created by creeps to obliterate the morals that good parents instill in their children.
Greg Gutfeld
#72. Why is our media quick to find evil in our local police, but tnot in Islamic terror?
Greg Gutfeld
#73. I want to make a positive point of Ikea. It makes income inequality a minor distraction.
Greg Gutfeld
#75. The only candidate I'd allow to play my music would be Bigfoot, and unless we're talking about foraging for squirrels, he's notoriously apolitical.
Greg Gutfeld
#76. People that want to control words will never ever try to break up, like, a fight on a subway. They will never confront an aggressive person on the bus. They prefer their fights to be easy.
Greg Gutfeld
#77. Magic Johnson links his HIV and treatment to health care as though ObamaCare would provide the same level of care that a mega rich celebrity would get. Is he going to dump his coverage? Is he going to dump it and sign up for ObamaCare?
Greg Gutfeld
#78. But without most of the stuff I just listed above, Whole Foods would not exist. That organic food didn't arrive on the store shelves via an incredibly disciplined group of storks. I've seen the semis out in front and they don't harness the power of yoga and haikus.
Greg Gutfeld
#79. The inevitability of abortion. But I refuse to accept the amoral consequences that are even far worse than that, which is harvesting them because we decided that as an adult society, we can use children to make our lives better, if you seek the reverse.
Greg Gutfeld
#80. ObamaCare is to health care as a fart is to an elevator.
Greg Gutfeld
#81. You also wonder if a restaurant placed an ad that read, "Only homeless need apply," would they get fined? Probably not. But if they said, "No homeless apply," they would be transient bigots. For as bureaucrats use language to punish the lawful, they use tolerance to coddle the troubled.
Greg Gutfeld
#82. Accusing a politician of being politically expedient is like accusing water of being wet or circles for being round.
Greg Gutfeld
#83. Some things get better with age. And then there's Madonna.
Greg Gutfeld
#84. A Smith & Wesson does more for empowering women than Feminism ever could
Greg Gutfeld
#85. I am not the least bit religious, but at least I stick up for the good work of religion and the cascade of benefits that come from religion.
Greg Gutfeld
#86. I would like to see a president with a monocle.
Greg Gutfeld
#87. The beauty of progress is that it makes it easier for you to carve out a space to be nonproductive.
Greg Gutfeld
#88. If America was a house, the Left would root for the termites.
Greg Gutfeld
#89. Politics is way cool, as long as it's progressive. Conservatives by nature hate politics and politicians.
Greg Gutfeld
#90. Sanctuary cities are a lot like hitchhiking. And the abstract, it feels really good until you feel dead.
Greg Gutfeld
#91. I admire President Obama's ability to trust strangers.
Greg Gutfeld
#93. The thing which Reagan did, which was great, was he won the people. He marginalized the media. And that's what you need, an intellectual agility.
Greg Gutfeld
#94. How can you have a reasonable debate with people who are constantly changing the panic? They are moving the panic to a greater wave of hysteria?
Greg Gutfeld
#95. Job creation is important I think, but it's not the critical issue for Republicans.
Greg Gutfeld
#96. How we got to a place where men in skinny jeans rank higher in achievement and status than men in military-issued camouflage is a mental journey beyond the limits of my simple, sodden brain.
Greg Gutfeld
#97. Ask dumb questions and listen quietly for the answers. That's a wisdom stair climber.
Greg Gutfeld
#98. It's great that Mommy and Daddy did all that uncool work, so you could sit in your air-conditioned classroom and shit all over them, to the approving eye of your ponytailed professor.
Greg Gutfeld
#99. ObamaCare is creating nothing but misery for everybody.
Greg Gutfeld
#100. Al Gore completely lied about climate change in an effort to make a lot of money.
Greg Gutfeld
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