Evan Esar Quotes

#1. A creature that never cries over spilt milk: a cat.

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#2. The secret of successful writing lies in striking the right keys on the typewriter.

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#3. There is nothing more dignified than a corpse.

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#4. In Congress the majority governs, but the minority rules.

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#5. Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.

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#6. The only medicine that needs no prescription, has no unpleasant taste, and costs no money is laughter.

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#7. The word impossible is peculiar because if you examine it closely, you'll find that most of it is possible.

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#8. Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him.

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#9. With a braggart, it's no sooner done than said.

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#10. The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out traffic jams

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#11. A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would like to marry if he were a woman.

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#12. Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

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#13. It's not the loss of life that makes the death bitter
it's the obituaries.

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#14. Many a husband lives to regret the extravagant fee he bestowed upon the minister who sentenced him.

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#15. Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

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#16. A cynic sees little to admire in the world, while the world sees even less to admire in him.

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#17. Lecturers should remember that the capacity of the mind to absorb is limited to what the seat can endure.

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#18. A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why.

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#19. Some people blow their top, but all people blow their bottom.

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#20. Life is a game played on us while we are playing other games.

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#21. Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.

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#22. The modern dance is no dance in the first place, and when you've finally learned it, it's not modern any more.

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#23. There would be no population explosion if people who are trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn't let the stork fly in through the window.

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#24. Charm is to a woman what perfume is to a flower.

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#25. The difference between two men is usually a woman.

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#26. It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

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#27. A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.

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#28. Many an actor does the stage more ham than good.

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#29. Zoo: An excellent lace to study the habits of human beings

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#30. There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece.

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#31. Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards.

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#32. A batch of credit cards fattens a wallet before it thins it.

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#33. To a teenager, it cannot be true love if her family approves of him.

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#34. The only thing more certain than the hatred of enemies is the envy of friends.

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#35. Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands.

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#36. Etymology: from Latin ad-, "to" + visum, past participle of videre, "to see". Advice is what you get from your parents when you are growing up, and from your children when you are growing old.

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#37. Man is the control experiment of heredity and environment; and since his heredity controls him, he tries to control his environment.

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#38. Formerly when a man worked ten hours a day, it was called economic slavery; nowadays it is called moonlighting.

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#39. A bore finds it easy to start talking, and even easier to get others to stop listening.

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#40. Common sense is usually lack of imagination, and imagination is usually lack of common sense.

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#41. About the only time Congress conforms to the will of the people is when it decides to adjourn.

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#42. Eloquence is the art of saying as little as possible but making it sound as much as possible.

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#43. A dictator's chief problem is keeping the stomachs of his subjects full while keeping their heads empty.

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#44. A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one.

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#45. A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.

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#46. If it required some effort to go from today to tomorrow, some people would always remain in yesterday.

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#47. [Statistics] Fiction in its most uninteresting form.

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#48. The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.

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#49. The only thing worse than being on the wrong side of an argument is to be on the right side with no one listening.

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#50. Sometimes the unexpected happens when you don't expect a person to come up to expectations.

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#51. Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

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#52. Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.

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#53. The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.

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#54. In elections, the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor.

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#55. You can always tell the golfer who's winning: he's the one who keeps telling his opponent that it's only a game.

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#56. If you want to be different nowadays, just act normal.

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#57. You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it.

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#58. All things come to him who waits, but they are mostly leftovers from those who didn't wait.

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#59. Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

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#60. After wisdom comes wit.

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#61. The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.

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#62. Children grow out of childhood, but parents never grow out of parenthood.

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#63. A word to the wise is
unnecessary.

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#64. Divorce has become so easy nowadays that women have stopped crying at weddings.

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#65. Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

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#66. A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him.

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#67. Do a little more every day than you are expected to do, and soon you will be expected to do more.

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#68. The chief ability of an executive should be his ability to recognize ability.

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#69. Don't be a hog: the only time a hog helps the community is when he dies.

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#70. Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables.

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#71. Age brings wisdom to some men, and to others chess.

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#72. Some men take good care of a car; others treat it like one of the family.

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#73. A bright eye indicates curiosity; a black eye, too much.

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#74. The man who avoids debt doesn't have to worry about avoiding his creditors.

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#75. This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand.

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#76. The state of the Union largely depends on the state of the unions.

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#77. A girl never cares who casts the first stone at her
as long as it's a diamond

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#78. Congress would give the people what they wanted if the people knew what they wanted, and if Congress could give it to them.

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#79. The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

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#80. Some people would never get any exercise at all if they didn't have to walk to their cars.

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#81. If you want to know how little your dignity is worth, take it to the pawnbroker.

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#82. Let those who want to, arrive
Let those who want to, leave
Let those who want to, stay
With out harm to me or mine

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#83. The Lord takes care of his own, but church trustees still put lightning rods on the steeple.

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#84. The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband.

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#85. Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

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#86. The first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed.

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#87. A dollar saved is a dollar earned but seldom vice versa.

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#88. Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat, the more they have to swallow.

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#89. Egotist: 1. A person who is his own best friend. 2. An I specialist. 3. A man whose opinions all change, except the one he has of himself.

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#90. The tongue is the only muscle in the human body that never gets tired [talking].

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#91. Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

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#92. All men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with a mighty urge to become otherwise.

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#93. Adam and Eve were the first of all unions to defy management.

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#94. Corrupt officials are usually close-mouthed and open-handed.

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#95. The best way to spoil a good story is by sticking to the facts.

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#96. Many people will laugh at the drop of a hat, especially if the man is still in it.

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#97. Only one man has the right to boast, and that's the man who never does.

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#98. The trouble with the world is that laziness is seldom curable and never fatal.

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#99. Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.

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#100. A lazy man's wife is generally the power behind the drone.

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