Top 100 Emo Philips Quotes
#1. You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
#2. I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
#3. So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
Emo Philips
#4. Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Philips
#5. Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
#6. I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
Emo Philips
#7. There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips
#8. My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
#9. I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.
Emo Philips
#10. People come up to me ... concerned ... that I'll reproduce.
Emo Philips
#11. It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
#13. I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
Emo Philips
#14. How many people here have telekinetic power? Rise my hand
Emo Philips
#15. I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
Emo Philips
#16. The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
Emo Philips
#17. My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips
#18. I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Emo Philips
#19. I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
Emo Philips
#20. Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.
Emo Philips
#21. If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
#22. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He
survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare
system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just
had to pay the inheritance tax.
Emo Philips
#23. My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips
#24. Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
Emo Philips
#25. I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
#26. I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
#27. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
#28. My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Emo Philips
#29. Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
#30. Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Emo Philips
#31. Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
Emo Philips
#32. Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
#33. Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.
Emo Philips
#34. Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
#35. My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Emo Philips
#36. I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
Emo Philips
#37. I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic ... in morse code.
Emo Philips
#38. I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
#39. My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
#40. I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
#41. I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
#42. For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
#43. When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
#44. I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
#45. Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
#46. I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.
Emo Philips
#47. I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
Emo Philips
#48. I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
#49. Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
Emo Philips
#50. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Emo Philips
#51. I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.
Emo Philips
#52. I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
#53. I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
#54. Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
#55. People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
#56. Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
#57. When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
#58. I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
#59. I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.
Emo Philips
#60. I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.
Emo Philips
#61. I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
#62. I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
#63. They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
#64. Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
#65. My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
Emo Philips
#66. Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
#67. My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know ... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
#68. You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers ... damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips
#69. I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
#70. Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
Emo Philips
#71. A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ... "
Emo Philips
#72. I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips
#73. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips
#74. Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
#75. All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.
Emo Philips
#76. You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
Emo Philips
#77. My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
#78. I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes "Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen."
Emo Philips
#79. Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
#80. I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.
Emo Philips
#81. Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
#82. Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
#83. I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
#84. When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Emo Philips
#85. I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips
#86. Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.
Emo Philips
#87. England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
Emo Philips
#88. I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.
Emo Philips
#89. I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
#90. When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
#91. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.
Emo Philips
#92. I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
#93. In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
#94. Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
Emo Philips
#95. When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips
#96. In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
#97. I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
#98. Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
#99. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
#100. I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
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