Top 100 Dov Davidoff Quotes
#1. Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
Dov Davidoff
#2. Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.
Dov Davidoff
#3. The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
Dov Davidoff
#4. Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.
Dov Davidoff
#5. Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.
Dov Davidoff
#6. Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.
Dov Davidoff
#7. Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
Dov Davidoff
#8. America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
Dov Davidoff
#9. How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
Dov Davidoff
#10. Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.
Dov Davidoff
#11. Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Dov Davidoff
#12. I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.
Dov Davidoff
#13. If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
Dov Davidoff
#14. No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
Dov Davidoff
#15. Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
Dov Davidoff
#16. If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.
Dov Davidoff
#17. Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
Dov Davidoff
#18. The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
Dov Davidoff
#19. There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.
Dov Davidoff
#20. The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.
Dov Davidoff
#21. Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
Dov Davidoff
#22. Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.
Dov Davidoff
#23. When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.
Dov Davidoff
#24. Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
Dov Davidoff
#25. Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
Dov Davidoff
#26. Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?
Dov Davidoff
#27. Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
Dov Davidoff
#28. If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.
Dov Davidoff
#29. Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.
Dov Davidoff
#30. Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
Dov Davidoff
#31. Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
Dov Davidoff
#32. It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
Dov Davidoff
#33. People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
Dov Davidoff
#34. Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
Dov Davidoff
#35. Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
Dov Davidoff
#36. If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.
Dov Davidoff
#37. Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
Dov Davidoff
#38. If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
Dov Davidoff
#39. I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.
Dov Davidoff
#40. Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
Dov Davidoff
#41. Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.
Dov Davidoff
#42. Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.
Dov Davidoff
#43. You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.
Dov Davidoff
#44. Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
Dov Davidoff
#45. Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
Dov Davidoff
#46. The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.
Dov Davidoff
#47. Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?
Dov Davidoff
#48. Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
Dov Davidoff
#49. The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.
Dov Davidoff
#50. Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
Dov Davidoff
#51. America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
Dov Davidoff
#52. Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.
Dov Davidoff
#53. Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
Dov Davidoff
#54. Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
Dov Davidoff
#55. The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.
Dov Davidoff
#56. I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.
Dov Davidoff
#57. How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?
Dov Davidoff
#58. Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.
Dov Davidoff
#59. Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.
Dov Davidoff
#60. Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are ...
Dov Davidoff
#61. Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
Dov Davidoff
#62. False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.
Dov Davidoff
#63. The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.
Dov Davidoff
#64. Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
Dov Davidoff
#65. Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.
Dov Davidoff
#66. I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
Dov Davidoff
#67. The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.
Dov Davidoff
#68. Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.
Dov Davidoff
#69. It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
Dov Davidoff
#70. Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.
Dov Davidoff
#71. Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.
Dov Davidoff
#72. I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
Dov Davidoff
#73. Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
Dov Davidoff
#74. Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
Dov Davidoff
#75. Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
Dov Davidoff
#76. We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good ... or at least put-out.
Dov Davidoff
#77. I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
Dov Davidoff
#78. Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
Dov Davidoff
#79. We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
Dov Davidoff
#80. Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.
Dov Davidoff
#81. I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.
Dov Davidoff
#82. I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.
Dov Davidoff
#84. Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.
Dov Davidoff
#85. Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
Dov Davidoff
#86. I've always wanted children ... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.
Dov Davidoff
#87. I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
Dov Davidoff
#88. People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
Dov Davidoff
#89. The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
Dov Davidoff
#90. Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
Dov Davidoff
#91. I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
Dov Davidoff
#92. Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
Dov Davidoff
#93. Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.
Dov Davidoff
#94. The man I want to be could easily beat me up.
Dov Davidoff
#95. I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.
Dov Davidoff
#96. Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
Dov Davidoff
#97. It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.
Dov Davidoff
#98. Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth ... I guess.
Dov Davidoff
#99. It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.
Dov Davidoff
#100. Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
Dov Davidoff
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top