Dov Davidoff Quotes

#1. The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

Dov Davidoff

#2. Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

Dov Davidoff

#3. Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

Dov Davidoff

#4. Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

Dov Davidoff

#5. I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.

Dov Davidoff

#6. Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.

Dov Davidoff

#7. Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

Dov Davidoff

#8. It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Dov Davidoff

#9. Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Dov Davidoff

#10. The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

Dov Davidoff

#11. I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

Dov Davidoff

#12. Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

Dov Davidoff

#13. America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

Dov Davidoff

#14. The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.

Dov Davidoff

#15. False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Dov Davidoff

#16. Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

Dov Davidoff

#17. Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are ...

Dov Davidoff

#18. Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

Dov Davidoff

#19. Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

Dov Davidoff

#20. How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Dov Davidoff

#21. I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

Dov Davidoff

#22. The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

Dov Davidoff

#23. Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

Dov Davidoff

#24. Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Dov Davidoff

#25. Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

Dov Davidoff

#26. Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

Dov Davidoff

#27. Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

Dov Davidoff

#28. It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

Dov Davidoff

#29. Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth ... I guess.

Dov Davidoff

#30. It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

Dov Davidoff

#31. Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

Dov Davidoff

#32. I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

Dov Davidoff

#33. The man I want to be could easily beat me up.

Dov Davidoff

#34. Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Dov Davidoff

#35. Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

Dov Davidoff

#36. I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

Dov Davidoff

#37. Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

Dov Davidoff

#38. We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good ... or at least put-out.

Dov Davidoff

#39. People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.

Dov Davidoff

#40. I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

Dov Davidoff

#41. I've always wanted children ... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

Dov Davidoff

#42. Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.

Dov Davidoff

#43. Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Dov Davidoff

#44. Comedy is rarely funny.

Dov Davidoff

#45. I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

Dov Davidoff

#46. I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

Dov Davidoff

#47. Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

Dov Davidoff

#48. We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

Dov Davidoff

#49. Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

Dov Davidoff

#50. I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

Dov Davidoff

#51. I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

Dov Davidoff

#52. Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Dov Davidoff

#53. Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Dov Davidoff

#54. When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

Dov Davidoff

#55. Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.

Dov Davidoff

#56. Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Dov Davidoff

#57. The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

Dov Davidoff

#58. There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Dov Davidoff

#59. The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

Dov Davidoff

#60. Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

Dov Davidoff

#61. If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

Dov Davidoff

#62. Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

Dov Davidoff

#63. Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Dov Davidoff

#64. If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

Dov Davidoff

#65. I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

Dov Davidoff

#66. Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

Dov Davidoff

#67. Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Dov Davidoff

#68. How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

Dov Davidoff

#69. America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

Dov Davidoff

#70. Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

Dov Davidoff

#71. Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

Dov Davidoff

#72. Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

Dov Davidoff

#73. Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

Dov Davidoff

#74. The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

Dov Davidoff

#75. Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

Dov Davidoff

#76. No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

Dov Davidoff

#77. Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

Dov Davidoff

#78. The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

Dov Davidoff

#79. Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

Dov Davidoff

#80. Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

Dov Davidoff

#81. The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

Dov Davidoff

#82. Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.

Dov Davidoff

#83. Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

Dov Davidoff

#84. You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

Dov Davidoff

#85. Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

Dov Davidoff

#86. Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

Dov Davidoff

#87. Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

Dov Davidoff

#88. Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

Dov Davidoff

#89. If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Dov Davidoff

#90. Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

Dov Davidoff

#91. If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

Dov Davidoff

#92. Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

Dov Davidoff

#93. Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

Dov Davidoff

#94. People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

Dov Davidoff

#95. It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

Dov Davidoff

#96. Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

Dov Davidoff

#97. Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Dov Davidoff

#98. Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.

Dov Davidoff

#99. If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

Dov Davidoff

#100. Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

Dov Davidoff