Top 100 Diller's Quotes
#1. We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
#2. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
#3. I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Phyllis Diller
#4. I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
#6. The business model for content is to be paid for it. You can be paid for it either though advertising or subscriptions or some new invention, but right now what we've got is advertising revenue and subscription revenue as the only way to be paid for content.
Barry Diller
#7. I still believe in synergy, but I call it natural law.
Barry Diller
#8. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
#9. The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
Phyllis Diller
#11. If you're going to sell stock and somebody wants to buy it at a price and that price is not a price you dictate, but demand dictates, sell it to them now.
Barry Diller
#12. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
#13. You really want to get a headache? Try to understand Internet advertising.
Barry Diller
#15. [On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
#16. My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
Phyllis Diller
#17. Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
Phyllis Diller
#18. All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.
Phyllis Diller
#19. We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller
#20. To use the biblical imagery, Christian theology must acknowledge itself an impoverished earthen vessel while daring not to diminish the value of the treasure it confesses.
Kevin Diller
#21. Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
Phyllis Diller
#22. I'm just saying if you want to reach large audiences, then rely on professionals, meaning people who are in the industry and are trained for it, rather than just idiot savants.
Barry Diller
#23. The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller
#24. We need an unambiguous rule - a law - that nobody will step between the publisher and the consumer, full stop.
Barry Diller
#25. I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
#26. Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
#27. I'm sure there are some commercial applications for Twitter, but they don't really interest me. I mean, 140 characters? I am really not interested in Ashton Kutcher's daily walks. Not for me.
Barry Diller
#29. Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
#31. When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
#32. For more than two decades, Barry Diller has been among the most respected - and feared - figures in the entertainment industry.
Alex Berenson
#33. Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
#34. The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
Phyllis Diller
#35. We have a tax code whose complications and levels of unfairness and levels of choosing people to give tax breaks to and choosing people to deny them to is thousands of pages long with endless complications and unbelievable manipulations by everybody.
Barry Diller
#36. Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller
#37. Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
Phyllis Diller
#38. Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her.
Tim Conway
#39. Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller
#40. I've always said AOL is great opportunity for somebody.
Barry Diller
#41. Napster has pointed the way for a new direction for music distribution, and we believe it will form the basis of important and exciting new business models for the future of the music industry.
Barry Diller
#44. Get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
Phyllis Diller
#45. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
#46. When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
Phyllis Diller
#47. There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
#48. I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
#49. Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.
Phyllis Diller
#50. My opinion, young people go to the Internet. To the Internet distribution system right now, you put it up there and it's accessed by the world.
Barry Diller
#51. Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.
Phyllis Diller
#52. Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
Phyllis Diller
#53. When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.
Phyllis Diller
#54. In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
#55. Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
Phyllis Diller
#57. If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller
#58. Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
Phyllis Diller
#59. I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
Phyllis Diller
#61. I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
#62. Hollywood is a community that's so inbred, it's a wonder the children have any teeth.
Barry Diller
#63. My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller
#64. If you have too many epiphanies, you're on some kind of drug.
Barry Diller
#65. By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
Phyllis Diller
#66. Facebook's the real deal. Nobody can buy Facebook now. Everybody has taken an angle at it. But Facebook may be the place that organizes everybody's personal information. It's got a very good chance of being that.
Barry Diller
#67. I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller
#68. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
#69. What interests me is starting businesses on our own, finding ideas that we can support, and simply investing in invention.
Barry Diller
#70. I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
#72. There's no way you can predict what is going to happen in six months or two years in most businesses, and certainly not for businesses that are growing at the rate that we have grown.
Barry Diller
#73. There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller
#74. I don't have answers for anybody else. What I know is that internal complexity makes for superficiality. There's never essentially a pure story unless there's a pure product line that has its own shining clarity.
Barry Diller
#75. It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
#76. The American public tunes in every night hoping to see two people screwing. Obviously, we can't give them that but let's always keep it in mind.
Barry Diller
#77. Money's scarce
Times are hard
Here's your fucking
Xmas card
Phyllis Diller
#78. It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller
#79. What's happened to broadcasting is that broadcasting really used to be ... it used to have a very clear public service quotient. And it's more or less now. And it's been lost.
Barry Diller
#80. What we need to do is replace the entire tax code. I do not think it makes sense to say, 'Let's just grab money from, quote, the wealthy' ... The issue is the tax code's rotten and we should start truly over with a simple code that is fair and transparent.
Barry Diller
#81. When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis Diller
#82. Growing up, my two favorite books were Woody Allen's 'Side Effects' and Phyllis Diller's 'Housekeeping Hints.' I carried that Phyllis Diller book with me everywhere when I was in fifth or sixth grade. Eventually, it just fell apart.
Jill Davis
#83. It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
#84. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
#85. It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
Phyllis Diller
#86. You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!
Phyllis Diller
#87. I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
#88. Urbanspoon is a nice, little application and it's perfect, of course, for CitySearch because of the reviews it contains and the ability for CitySearch to use that content.
Barry Diller
#89. Sometimes it seems like there's more footnotes than text. This isn't something we're proud of, and over time we'd like to see our footnotes steadily shrink.
Barry Diller
#90. My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
#91. Who ever knows what will happen with the economy, and will it affect the Internet? There's so much pouring into the Internet; I would doubt it, but I'm not the greatest predictor. But more than any media sector, I think the Internet will hold up.
Barry Diller
#92. He was hanging from one of the rafters in a laundry up near Frau Diller's. Another human pendulum. Another clock, stopped.
Markus Zusak
#93. My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller
#94. We're in a world now where it's not enough to be smart. You have to be curious.
Barry Diller
#95. The only way anyone's going to succeed is to build the product.
Barry Diller
#96. Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
Phyllis Diller
#97. We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
#98. It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.
Phyllis Diller
#99. It was Barry Diller's idea to start 'The Daily Beast,' and he has turned out to be the best partner I've ever had. There's no one better to go into the jungle with.
Tina Brown
#100. I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.
Phyllis Diller
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