Top 100 Denis Leary Quotes
#1. When you snatch little pieces of other people's lives and try to palm them off as your own, that's more disgusting than anything. Robin Williams is a huge thief. Denis Leary is a huge thief. His whole stand-up career is based on Bill Hicks, a brilliant guy who died years ago.
Joe Rogan
#2. On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.
Bill Hicks
#3. Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.
Denis Leary
#4. I always hated the Grateful Dead. Never even bought a Led Zeppelin album.
Denis Leary
#5. I think it's a shame when you come across young actors and musicians who haven't had the time to learn their craft. It doesn't matter if it's acting or music; you really have to learn how to do it from the bottom up because unless you have a great work ethic ... fame is a terrible thing to have.
Denis Leary
#6. Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!
Denis Leary
#7. Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads.
Denis Leary
#8. Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
Denis Leary
#9. I didn't raise my kids with the fear of God.
Denis Leary
#10. You get to a certain point, especially if you're a comedian, where people think certain things. It's like, I don't take the time to explain it to people, it's just part of what I do.
Denis Leary
#11. If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now.
Denis Leary
#12. Nobody can make more fun of me than I already make of myself.
Denis Leary
#13. The best comedy audiences in the country and this is tried and true, I'm not just saying it, in my opinion are Boston, Atlanta, and Chicago.
Denis Leary
#14. I don't watch 'American Idol.' I don't watch any of that stuff.
Denis Leary
#15. You just can't win. Men have very recent land mines in their heads. Women have recorded conversations and photographs in their heads from 15 years ago.
Denis Leary
#16. In addition to my cousin, there were 30 or 40 guys I grew up with who became firefighters as well. So, I've been around firefighters all my life.
Denis Leary
#17. I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.
Denis Leary
#18. I've always had a thing for Catwoman. Michelle Pfeiffer or Halle Berry in tight leather pants, with the boots - I'm pretty good with either one.
Denis Leary
#19. The only difference between kids and jungle animals is pants. Kids wear them. Jungle animals don't.
Denis Leary
#20. I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
Denis Leary
#21. We've always talked about doing something else and Campbell Scott is always busy and I'm always busy. But when we came up with the idea of doing the potato famine as a hip hop musical, I wanted somebody who was going to bring gravity.
Denis Leary
#22. Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
Denis Leary
#23. I don't believe in the power of words.
Denis Leary
#24. My charity is in the business of helping firefighters in any way that we can. For instance, after 9/11 we were the second-fastest charity to raise and distribute money to the widows and surviving family members of the 343 firefighters who died that day.
Denis Leary
#25. I don't really have a lot of fun playing just straight good guys. It's not my thing. It's like Tom Hanks territory.
Denis Leary
#26. If you want a long-term relationship that doesn't require a lot of work, I say, get a dog. They love you no matter what. But when it comes to humans, there's no secret; you really have to appreciate the person every single day.
Denis Leary
#27. My kids watch everything downloaded; they have no idea what the numbers or the names of the channels mean, except, 'FX makes the show that I see on my computer.' So it's harder to get a show on the air, but at the same time, there are a lot of terrific shows.
Denis Leary
#28. Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."
Denis Leary
#29. You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.
Denis Leary
#30. I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all around my neck, I'll be Tracheotomy Man! He can smoke a pack
at a time, he's Tracheotomy Man!
Denis Leary
#31. One thing that's great about firefighters: If they don't have the equipment they desperately need, they don't have the help, they don't care. They'll do it on their own.
Denis Leary
#32. We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.
Denis Leary
#33. Good actors, especially when they know their character, will come in and either tell you in advance that they have an idea, or in the middle of the rehearsal or the scene they'll let it loose and you go, 'Ah that's great.'
Denis Leary
#34. Willem Dafoe and I are actually the same person.
Denis Leary
#35. Science fiction was never my thing. I have no interest in it. So I don't think I could successfully pull off being on a project like that without really losing my mind.
Denis Leary
#37. Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup - that's it.
Denis Leary
#38. Rosemary Rodriguez directed on Rescue Me for us, and I love her. She's fantastic with actresses and she's got a great sense of humor. That was a huge thing for me.
Denis Leary
#40. Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.
Denis Leary
#41. Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, THAT'S IT! End of fucking list!
Denis Leary
#42. There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
Denis Leary
#43. If you had no enemies, you had no fun.
Denis Leary
#44. Everyone should have an evil secret plan ...
Denis Leary
#45. If you do good work, it tends to stick around. People still come up to me and say, 'The Ref' is my favorite Christmas movie.'
Denis Leary
#46. I'm praying for 'Ice Age' 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Because I really think we can run those characters into the '60s, and I'm talking the 1960s, you know? The Civil Rights Movement. That's what I'm praying for, because then I wouldn't have to do anything else.
Denis Leary
#47. When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!
Denis Leary
#48. You try to - you want to fly on both sides of the political fence because that's where the - where the comedy is.
Denis Leary
#49. We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!
Denis Leary
#50. Marriage is like a dull meal with the dessert at the beginning.
Denis Leary
#51. Liz [Gillies] doesn't really listen to anything new, besides Adele, Ariana Grande, and stuff like that. She loves '70s music and old '60s songs. She loves songwriters from the '70s that I hate, like Jim Croce and James Taylor, and she loves Stevie Nicks and old jazz classics.
Denis Leary
#52. Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual
Denis Leary
#53. When I go to Batman movies, I always think, 'Man, I would like to be a bad guy in a Batman movie.' especially as they got darker when they go to the Christian Bale era.
Denis Leary
#54. Temptation's something you have to deal with even if you're not famous. It's harder when you're famous because it's a lot more in your face, and that makes it a little more difficult to walk away from sometimes.
Denis Leary
#55. I'm pretty much a chocolate guy. I'm up for any type of chocolate. Any chocolate.
Denis Leary
#56. Sometimes I park in handicap spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces.
Denis Leary
#57. I would never do crack ... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
Denis Leary
#58. I'd love to do another television series. I really love the writing process, and as an actor I really like how much you get to examine in television.
Denis Leary
#59. My brother and I tortured my mother growing up.
Denis Leary
#60. I'm not saying being a comedian is brain surgery, but it is definitely - it's like being a carpenter. You learn how to make tables and chairs. You have to have the right tools, and you have to know how to put the thing together, right?
Denis Leary
#61. If you see me doing a new stand-up special, it probably means I've been out of work for a while.
Denis Leary
#62. You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.
Denis Leary
#63. I really want to do a western film. It's one of my favorite movie genres of all time.
Denis Leary
#64. My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.
Denis Leary
#65. I've only done two other TV shows [instead of Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll], one was Rescue Me and the other was a show called The Job, which was at ABC and only on for two seasons.
Denis Leary
#66. If I'm president, there are going to be government vans that drive around and pick up people who shouldn't be wearing certain clothing. Talk about lack of civil rights - I'm sorry, I'm pulling you right off the street, and we're giving you clothes that you're going to be O.K. in.
Denis Leary
#67. I'm a pretty boring guy. Compared to Ashton Kutcher, I live a really boring existence.
Denis Leary
#68. When I was a teenager, you couldn't get straight pants. Then in '76, when punk started to hit, it was a revelation that you could find straight pants again.
Denis Leary
#69. Everyone's got skeletons in their closet, and I've got a million in mine, believe me. I tested the envelope; I pushed it. Whenever somebody in authority told me not to do something, I did it just to find out why they said not to do it.
Denis Leary
#70. All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
Denis Leary
#71. Charlotte Rampling, when she was younger, looked exactly like my wife. That's one of the reasons that when I first saw my wife, my knees buckled. Based on her looks alone, she was already in my kitchen making eggs.
Denis Leary
#72. I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.
Denis Leary
#73. Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.
Denis Leary
#74. I went to see the 'Spider-Man' movies because my wife is a fan, and so are my kids.
Denis Leary
#75. I've been nominated for Emmys and Golden Globes, but I've never won one and I probably never will.
Denis Leary
#76. I basically - I don't like tattoos, unless you're a firefighter who has a tattoo that has to do with that or a military guy. That's - those are people who should have tattoos.
Denis Leary
#77. People are disappointed that you aren't exactly who they thought you were, as opposed to somebody who's just walking around trying to get some laundry done.
Denis Leary
#78. I like Jesus, I mean, I think he was a good guy.
Denis Leary
#79. Here's the problem with Easter. The Catholic Church needs to pick a date because it keeps moving. And I think the reason they always have Easter moving to different dates is to catch us.
Denis Leary
#80. It says on the back of the Nyquil box, 'May cause drowsiness.' It should say, 'Don't make any plans, OK? Kiss your family and friends good-bye.'
Denis Leary
#81. I think all priests should be married.
Denis Leary
#82. I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!
Denis Leary
#83. My career plan at this point is 'Ice Age 5' through '10,' and even '12,' and 'Spider Man' - you know, basically I'd be Emma Stone's dad for the rest of my career. I really don't have any problem doing that.
Denis Leary
#84. I'm still pretty self-centered, greedy and angry.
Denis Leary
#85. No matter what anybody says, relationships are based on physical attraction. The first time I saw my wife, it was pure animal whatever.
Denis Leary
#86. Vacuuming is great. I do the laundry. I love washing machines. I'm the maid in my house.
Denis Leary
#87. I think daycare is great for people who have to work two jobs. My problem is with people who are dropping kids off at daycare because they want to go out and spend the day golfing or getting their nails done. You know what I mean? That's not why they invented daycare.
Denis Leary
#88. I wasn't the best student. I wasn't stupid, but I wasn't paying a lot of attention.
Denis Leary
#89. You really want to have a back-up plan, so when you don't feel like acting, or you're getting older and settling down, you can produce your own stuff. So that's when I set about forming my own company and getting creative control.
Denis Leary
#90. It's hard to have a film and television career and do music work at the same time.
Denis Leary
#91. I'm no prophet and I'm no genius, but I can only tell you what I seem to know. As a fan of television and the movies, I think it's all for the better.
Denis Leary
#92. I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time.
Denis Leary
#93. Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swim next time, Ok Jerry?
Denis Leary
#94. I have a lot of conservative views on a lot of things.
Denis Leary
#95. I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.
Denis Leary
#96. Ann Romney talking about middle class moms is like Chris Christie talking about a salad
Denis Leary
#97. There are some guys I know for a fact, like Louis C.K., who always talk about how not-great of an actor he is, and he's terrific on his show. But I know Louis would play a fantastic dramatic role in something, too. He just needs somebody to grab him and say, 'Come in here and do this.'
Denis Leary
#98. When I clicked into this idea of doing a band and examining a band as a dysfunctional family, I wanted to reverse that Rescue Me formula.
Denis Leary
#99. Usually when you watch a film, you're just sort of biting your nails about things you could have done differently.
Denis Leary
#100. With any actor, if you know your character well enough, you'll know pretty much what he would say under any circumstance, or whatever situation might rear its head.
Denis Leary
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