Top 100 David Wong Quotes
#1. John trotted up, carrying his satchel. "Yes. Wexler's gone. We need your car."
"What? Why?"
John circled around to the passenger-side door and said, "Car chase.
David Wong
#2. No, I don't, like, play an instrument or anything.I'm just ... well, you saw me at the beginning there. I was the guy that fell down and died.
David Wong
#3. That's what it's like being poor - choices are something you sit around and dream about having, some day after you strike it rich.
David Wong
#4. John snatched the rebound, spun, jumped, slammed. He pumped his fist in victory. "Ring it up! Two hundred seventy-four to one thirty-seven!" In John's game, each shot is worth one hundred and thirty-seven points.
David Wong
#5. The reason why Hollywood cranks out so many sequels and adaptations is because the audience is so overwhelmed with choices, the only way to get them in the theater is to give them something familiar.
David Wong
#6. My mind didn't clear. It had been clear before. Instead it muddled, suddenly ablaze with rioting factions of insecurities and dreams, a cacophonous battleground of conflicting moral codes and dogma. I was, therefore, back to normal.
David Wong
#7. John cursed himself. Or rather, he
cursed the past version of himself for so
thoughtlessly screwing over the current
version of himself.
David Wong
#8. Falconer was wearing his street clothes - jeans, a black turtleneck and an empty shoulder holster under his armpit. Cowboy boots. Little bit of beard stubble. John wondered if the guy would walk from one end of the street to the other without winding up covered in bitches.
David Wong
#9. I heard a screeching like steam from a teapot, and realized it was me.
David Wong
#10. Fred nodded and said, "So what you're saying is, if we all die, that's not even the worst-case scenario."
John replied, "I'd still like to shoot a little higher than that, Freddy.
David Wong
#11. Zoey didn't want to be paranoid, but there was something about the man in the loincloth made of charred doll heads that made her nervous.
David Wong
#12. Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis's penis would be larger than your penis.
David Wong
#13. They say Los Angeles is like The Wizard of Oz. One minute it's small-town monochrome neighborhoods and then boom - all of a sudden you're in a sprawling Technicolor freak show, dense with midgets.
David Wong
#15. Molech swung and kicked and slaughtered Mexican food with every mighty blow, while a quarter billion extremely confused Blink users watched. And
David Wong
#16. The future is what it is," said Largeman. "Your people have been poisoned with the myths of lone men turning the tide, improbable tales of heroes outrunning explosions with their feet. Such tales are forbidden here. Events are laid forth and they cannot be turned. There are no heroes, Mr. Wong.
David Wong
#17. I am not the star of a zombie movie. I am the guy in the background who gets eaten in the first montage.
David Wong
#18. Antidepressants. The thought of this girl actually being depressed made me want to grab the whole planet and throw it into the sun. Well, more than usual anyway.
David Wong
#19. the jet stream undulating over us like an angry snake god.
David Wong
#20. Snap. Ka-chunk. That's how I spell the sound of a doorknob turning.
David Wong
#21. The most powerful impression a person can make is that they don't care if they make an impression.
David Wong
#22. You know how sometimes when you're drifting off to sleep you feel that jolt, like you were falling and caught yourself at the last second? It's nothing to be concerned about, it's usually just the parasite adjusting its grip.
David Wong
#23. You know if you walked around the world, your hat would travel thirty-one feet farther than your shoes?
David Wong
#24. I feel stretched out, like too little butter scraped over too much waffle. And then it all falls down into one of the waffle holes and there's none left for the rest of the waffle and you sort of have to tilt it to make it run out.
David Wong
#25. You see, time is an ocean, not a garden hose. Space is a puff of smoke, a wisp of cloud.
David Wong
#26. We will once again err on the side of not letting people be murdered. You take the choice in front of you. And then you keep picking the non-murder choice as long as you can.
David Wong
#27. I keep the gun in a hollowed out copy of the Koran. And there the big book was, tossed on the bed, open and gunless. Nothing else disturbed. I mean, they actually checked my Koran to see if there was a gun inside. I knew I was dealing with a sick son of a bitch.
David Wong
#28. Gullibility is a knife at the throat of civilization.
David Wong
#29. The floor was littered with paper cups and candy wrappers and cigarette butts and other teenager droppings. I saw a used condom under my shoe.
David Wong
#30. I want no part of this nonsense. This whole city is a butt that farts horror.
David Wong
#31. I bet his real name is Chad, he looks like one.
David Wong
#32. Arnie sighed and for a quick moment looked genuinely sympathetic that someone could dream up something this elaborately sad.
David Wong
#33. Children die every day because millions of us tell ourselves that caring is just as good as doing.
David Wong
#34. Sound filled the room, a crystal melody that could lift any human heart and turn away any devil.
It was "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake.
David Wong
#35. Start working on whatever you hesitate Because there is an ending to every beginning. When you make it to the end, You will realize the hesitation was a waste of time.
David Wong
#36. Shitload said, "His name is Korrok the Slavemaster from the eighth plane, also known in some realms as Baa'aaa'aaa'aab and in others as the Lord Zanthk All-Bzzki'l Shadd'uuul'l L'luuu'ddahs L'ikzzb-lla Khtnaz.
David Wong
#37. Anyhow, Molly died, in the way that all really good things die, fast and brutal and for no apparent reason.
David Wong
#38. English should have a word for that feeling you get when you first wake up in a strange room and have no freaking idea where you are.
Hotezzlement?
David Wong
#39. You're the kind of man a man wants when a man wants a man.
David Wong
#40. ... all the king's doctors and all the king's pills couldn't make Frank's waking nightmares go away.
David Wong
#42. I tried to say something cool, wound up stammering something like, "WANNA YOU WANNA WEENIE ME?" The end kind of trailed off in a shrill, choking warble.
David Wong
#43. SHUT UP. Both of you. You're coming with me." To me he said, "Put some pants on."
"Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister mat.
David Wong
#44. I just realized he was phrasing all of his questions as statements. Wasn't there a character in Alice in Wonderland who did that? Did Alice punch him in the face?
David Wong
#45. They passed a law that said I couldn't put my hands in my pockets. Do you know why? Because they would become concealed weapons. I can kill a man with these hands.
David Wong
#46. You have to talk through the bratwurst from now on.
David Wong
#47. Keep driving," said a soft voice in my ear. "She will not bite if you keep driving."
Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking Captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour de Fuck.
David Wong
#48. What, then, is the soul but a prisoner of your flesh? An undying yet constrained energy, bound and enslaved within a shuffling, steadily rotting suit of tissue and savage needs?
David Wong
#49. A clean conscience is expensive, it's the reason most men have to live paycheck to paycheck.
David Wong
#50. You want to walk into that funeral and have every dude in that room whip their head around and say, 'God-damn them is some fine-ass titties. I got to find me a divorce lawyer in the next five minutes.
David Wong
#51. Are the most dangerous creatures the ones that use doors or the ones that don't?
David Wong
#52. Cops do this every day, rifling closets and digging through your dildo drawer.
David Wong
#53. We moved in silence for a moment and I said, "How did we screw this all up so badly, John?"
He shook his head. "We always find a way.
David Wong
#54. My feet had never been so bare. Those little naked toes.That spider thing probably looks at those like the ears on a chocolate bunny.
David Wong
#55. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked "That if Franz Kafka were here his head would explode?"
"Actually, yeah.
David Wong
#56. My shame circuits burned out from overuse years ago.
David Wong
#57. John's old Caddie had a huge engine that would qualify as a human rights violation if built today. It roared down the road, chugging gas and farting a blue cloud of dinosaur souls.
David Wong
#58. I then reached out, put my hands under his armpits and lifted him into the air. He was about as heavy as a department store mannequin. I doubt you've ever lifted one of those but you can probably guess that they're not very heavy.
David Wong
#59. Tip: if you ever feel a puke coming on, do not, do not put your hand over your mouth to try to catch it. It's reflex but it doesn't work at all. Vomit kind of sprays everywhere.
David Wong
#60. You can't focus on death, or failure. Otherwise you're surrendering greatness to all the people too dumb to contemplate it.
David Wong
#61. The heavy monkey of sleep rested its warm, furry ass on my eyelids.
David Wong
#62. He made the engine growl and told the headlights to fuck the night.
David Wong
#63. It was the pink elephant in the room, the thunderous fart in the elevator.
David Wong
#64. SOCIETY IS DOOMED for one very simple reason: it takes dozens of men working months with millions of dollars in materials to build a building, but only one dumb-ass with a bomb to bring it down.
David Wong
#65. Cynicism does not cause inaction..
David Wong
#66. ANYBODY ORDER A JAILBREAK WITH A SIDE OF SHOTGUN?
David Wong
#67. Light-headed, my body trembling from shoes to shoulders in random spells, like I swallowed a vibrator. It's always like this when I'm on the sauce. I dosed six hours ago.
David Wong
#68. Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.
David Wong
#69. When they write the sequel to the Bible, that shit is definitely gonna be in there.
David Wong
#70. No matter where you go, management is always a bunch of cheap bastards.
David Wong
#71. We're talking about a tentacled flying lamp fucker, Dave. What are you prepared to call unlikely?
David Wong
#72. I glanced at Badly Drawn Jesus, then pulled the gun from my pocket. On Judgment Day, I'd be able to proudly state that when I thought the hordes of Hell were coming for a local girl, I stood ready to shoot at them with a small-caliber pistol.
David Wong
#73. There was a sound like a garbage bag of pudding dropped off a tall building onto a sidewalk. Robert had erupted, chunks slapping off the walls in every direction.
David Wong
#74. Amy said, "So, you're making a flamethrower?"
"Amy, we gotta be prepared. We don't know what we'll find in that place, but for all we know it could be the Devil himself."
"David, what possible good is that thing gonna do?"
"Oh, no, you didn't hear me. I said it's a flamethrower." Girls.
David Wong
#75. Somewhere, Charles Darwin nodded and smiled a knowing smile.
David Wong
#76. And you know what happens when a ship gets too many rats on board? It sinks. That's what.
I wondered if a ship had ever really sunk that way.
David Wong
#77. I struggled for something to cling to, the way soldiers in foxholes picture their families, or a flag.
My car, I thought crazily. This fucker crashed the Wongmobile. And for that, he must taste death.
David Wong
#78. A cockroach has no soul. Yet it runs and eats and shits and fucks and breeds. It has no soul, yet it lives a full life. Just like you.
David Wong
#79. She wasn't some little princess from the suburbs who just graduated college with a humanities degree, she knew what people were really like.
David Wong
#80. We don't feel like that's a good faith offer, because it seems more like you're just trying to save money on cockroaches.
David Wong
#81. Okay, can somebody quickly just summarize for the shotgun department who it's okay and not okay to shoot?
David Wong
#82. I reached out and, with a small move of my body, did something that would change my life forever. I gently moved Amy aside and stepped down ahead of her, putting myself between her and the shadows.
David Wong
#83. You don't realize how terrifying the world can be for someone like that, someone who would rather stay in a familiar hole than an unfamiliar mansion.
David Wong
#84. That ability to see the right choice, but not until several hours have passed since making the wrong one? That's what makes a person a dumbass, folks.
David Wong
#85. Folding chairs were flying through the air as if propelled by dozens of invisible Bobby Knights.
David Wong
#86. Show me your knife.' Man don't got a knife, I got no use for him - it's the universal tool.
David Wong
#87. John. I would ask you what you are doing, but I fear you would actually tell me.
David Wong
#88. You know what the scariest part is about people like him? Everything he's doing makes perfect sense in his own mind.
David Wong
#89. When TJ and I got to the bottom, we found Hope staring terrified at Molly. The dog had something long and horrible and meaty in her jaws. It took me a moment to register that it was a very fresh-looking human spine. Damn, she was hungry.
David Wong
#90. My next novel will be the third volume in the John Dies at the End series, and in fact may already exist, again depending on when you're reading this.
David Wong
#91. From the backseat of the pick-up stepped Dr. Marconi. I tried to imagine the conversation the three of them had on the way over, and my brain just spat out error messages.
David Wong
#92. Well, you'd better hope I am because the world was built by sociopaths, men willing to send a million innocent boys into battle to be chopped to screaming giblets, all so a banner can be raised over another piece of land with houses and markets and roads soon after.
David Wong
#93. There was a faded brown stain on the carpet and I wondered if a patient had once taken a shit in here in the middle of a session. I
David Wong
#94. Welcome to freakdom, Dave. It'll be time to start a Web site soon, where you'll type out everything in one huge paragraph.
David Wong
#95. No. We talked about this. I'm going home to eat a pie.
David Wong
#96. If you had to choose, and if you were not allowed to see either ahead of time and had no other information to go on, would you rather fight Mindcrow or Gonadulus?
David Wong
#97. The situation has a real Lovecraft feel to it. Though, you know, if you come over it'll be more of an Anne Rice situation. If you know what I mean."
"Who's-"
"Because you're gay.
David Wong
#98. Here's exclusive Channel 5 video of a local man having his brain eaten by a winged gremlin. Local gremlin experts warn that -
David Wong
#99. I wanted to curl up into a fetal position and start sucking my thumb, let my tears and dripping saliva pool under me.
Sorry. I tried living, tried being sentient. Can't do it. Can't live in the same universe with that.
David Wong
#100. The kittens will make your sad go away." The
David Wong
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