Top 100 Dana Gould Quotes
#1. What's interesting about Stephen Baldwin is that me and Dana Gould were originally cast for 'Bio-Dome' - but Pauly Shore and Baldwin ended up doing it. So there's a little movie trivia for ya.
Harland Williams
#2. I've always hated the term 'alternative'; I only use it because when I say it, people know what I'm talking about. I always thought it was weird when guys like myself or Patton Oswalt or Dana Gould, these older guys, were called 'alternative' comedy.
Brian Posehn
#3. Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Dana Gould
#4. It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
Dana Gould
#5. Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
Dana Gould
#6. I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.
Dana Gould
#7. When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
Dana Gould
#8. I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.
Dana Gould
#9. My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
Dana Gould
#10. Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
Dana Gould
#11. Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.
Dana Gould
#12. My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
Dana Gould
#13. Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
Dana Gould
#14. It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
Dana Gould
#15. Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
Dana Gould
#16. When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
Dana Gould
#17. If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?
Dana Gould
#18. Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.
Dana Gould
#19. The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
Dana Gould
#20. If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.
Dana Gould
#21. If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Dana Gould
#22. My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.
Dana Gould
#23. Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
Dana Gould
#24. A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Dana Gould
#25. Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.
Dana Gould
#26. If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
Dana Gould
#27. Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
Dana Gould
#28. Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look ... great?
Dana Gould
#29. I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!
Dana Gould
#30. I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.
Dana Gould
#31. How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
Dana Gould
#32. The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
Dana Gould
#33. For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
Dana Gould
#34. I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
Dana Gould
#35. The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
Dana Gould
#36. What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
Dana Gould
#37. If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Dana Gould
#38. Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.
Dana Gould
#39. Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Dana Gould
#40. Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.
Dana Gould
#41. Corn is the only food you hold like corn.
Dana Gould
#42. Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Dana Gould
#43. Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
Dana Gould
#44. What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
#45. A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
Dana Gould
#46. Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
Dana Gould
#47. Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
Dana Gould
#48. When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Dana Gould
#49. Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
Dana Gould
#50. Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.
Dana Gould
#51. Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Dana Gould
#52. I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Dana Gould
#53. If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.
Dana Gould
#54. My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
Dana Gould
#55. If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
Dana Gould
#56. The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging ...
Dana Gould
#57. Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
Dana Gould
#58. I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
Dana Gould
#59. Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog ...
Dana Gould
#60. Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
Dana Gould
#61. Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.
Dana Gould
#62. If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised ...
Dana Gould
#63. As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.
Dana Gould
#64. 59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
Dana Gould
#65. Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
Dana Gould
#66. I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.
Dana Gould
#67. Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Dana Gould
#68. I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
Dana Gould
#69. A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
Dana Gould
#70. Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
Dana Gould
#71. The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.
Dana Gould
#72. There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
Dana Gould
#73. The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
Dana Gould
#74. This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
Dana Gould
#75. Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
Dana Gould
#76. I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
Dana Gould
#77. If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Dana Gould
#78. A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
Dana Gould
#79. If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
Dana Gould
#80. If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Dana Gould
#81. When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.
Dana Gould
#82. I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Dana Gould
#83. One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
Dana Gould
#84. Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.
Dana Gould
#85. There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.
Dana Gould
#86. Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
Dana Gould
#87. If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
Dana Gould
#88. There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
Dana Gould
#89. When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.
Dana Gould
#90. If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
Dana Gould
#91. Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans ...
Dana Gould
#92. One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping ...
Dana Gould
#93. My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.
Dana Gould
#94. Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
Dana Gould
#95. We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
Dana Gould
#96. Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.
Dana Gould
#97. Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
Dana Gould
#98. I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
Dana Gould
#99. Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
Dana Gould
#100. They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
Dana Gould
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