Dana Gould Quotes

#1. Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Dana Gould

#2. It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Dana Gould

#3. Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Dana Gould

#4. I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

Dana Gould

#5. When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Dana Gould

#6. I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Dana Gould

#7. My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Dana Gould

#8. Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Dana Gould

#9. Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

Dana Gould

#10. My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Dana Gould

#11. Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Dana Gould

#12. It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

Dana Gould

#13. Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Dana Gould

#14. When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

Dana Gould

#15. If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

Dana Gould

#16. Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

Dana Gould

#17. The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Dana Gould

#18. If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

Dana Gould

#19. If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Dana Gould

#20. My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Dana Gould

#21. Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

Dana Gould

#22. A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Dana Gould

#23. Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Dana Gould

#24. If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

Dana Gould

#25. Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Dana Gould

#26. Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look ... great?

Dana Gould

#27. I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

Dana Gould

#28. I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Dana Gould

#29. How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Dana Gould

#30. The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Dana Gould

#31. For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

Dana Gould

#32. I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Dana Gould

#33. The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

Dana Gould

#34. What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

Dana Gould

#35. If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

Dana Gould

#36. Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Dana Gould

#37. Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Dana Gould

#38. Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

Dana Gould

#39. Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Dana Gould

#40. Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

Dana Gould

#41. Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Dana Gould

#42. What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Dana Gould

#43. A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Dana Gould

#44. Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Dana Gould

#45. Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

Dana Gould

#46. When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Dana Gould

#47. Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

Dana Gould

#48. Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

Dana Gould

#49. Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

Dana Gould

#50. I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Dana Gould

#51. If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Dana Gould

#52. My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Dana Gould

#53. If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

Dana Gould

#54. The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging ...

Dana Gould

#55. Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

Dana Gould

#56. I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Dana Gould

#57. Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog ...

Dana Gould

#58. Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Dana Gould

#59. Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

Dana Gould

#60. If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised ...

Dana Gould

#61. As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

Dana Gould

#62. 59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Dana Gould

#63. Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Dana Gould

#64. I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

Dana Gould

#65. Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Dana Gould

#66. I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

Dana Gould

#67. A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Dana Gould

#68. Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Dana Gould

#69. The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

Dana Gould

#70. There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

Dana Gould

#71. The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Dana Gould

#72. This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Dana Gould

#73. Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Dana Gould

#74. I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Dana Gould

#75. If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Dana Gould

#76. A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Dana Gould

#77. If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Dana Gould

#78. If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Dana Gould

#79. When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Dana Gould

#80. I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Dana Gould

#81. One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Dana Gould

#82. Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Dana Gould

#83. There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Dana Gould

#84. Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

Dana Gould

#85. If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

Dana Gould

#86. There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

Dana Gould

#87. When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Dana Gould

#88. If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

Dana Gould

#89. Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans ...

Dana Gould

#90. One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping ...

Dana Gould

#91. My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Dana Gould

#92. Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

Dana Gould

#93. We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

Dana Gould

#94. Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

Dana Gould

#95. Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Dana Gould

#96. I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Dana Gould

#97. Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

Dana Gould

#98. They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

Dana Gould

#99. If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Dana Gould

#100. I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

Dana Gould