Top 39 Crime Humour Quotes
#1. I knew today was gonna be bad, but I never got close to this
Ian Ayris
#2. One blow in anger [would] kill, probably, a child from aged two to eight. Those over eight would take two blows to kill.
Patricia Highsmith
#3. My grandma leaned out the backseat window, pointing at the cops. "Just so you know, I had no part in this! Ask anyone. They'll all tell you: I hate crime."
"Well, we won't mention to them how you 'forgot' to pay for those slippers at Wal-Mart, now, will we?" my mom hissed.
Emily Cassel
#4. No, he didn't come to me for a gun. I only said that because of you, thought maybe you'd want one, with being shot and everything.'
'Why the fuck would I want a gun? Would you ask a man who's just been bitten by a shark if he wants to buy a shark?
Jay Stringer
#5. None of [the books are] worth reading. There are no fairy tales, no faerie tails, no sword-swinging princesses or lightning-throwing gods.
Laurie Halse Anderson
#6. Oh sod me, Sir, not another bloody Paddy. Even a Brummie is better than another Paddy.
Jim McGrath
#7. Write words you're willing to burn at the stake for. Write words you'd believe in even if the rest of the world didn't.
Lauren DeStefano
#8. No to laugh, not to lament, not to detest, but to understand.
Baruch Spinoza
#9. The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be.
Bill Bryson
#10. I tried starting a crime gang once. It turned into a book club.
Gina Amos
#11. Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Rodney Dangerfield
#12. My philosophy in life is to eat, drink and investigate - in that order.
Mel Healy
#13. She didn't want the medi-techs. She wanted a fucking candy bar. [ ... ] She reached down [ ... ] and chose a Galaxy bar [ ... ] "I'm going home." "You didn't pay for that," Francois shouted after her. "Fuck you, Frank," she shouted back and kept going.
J.D. Robb
#14. And Hopkins, seeing that Tisdall was unaware of Grant's identity, rushed in with glad maliciousness. "That is Scotland Yard," he said. "Inspector Grant. Never had an unsolved crime to his name." "I hope you write my obituary," Grant said. "I hope I do!" the journalist said, with fervor.
Josephine Tey
#15. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
#16. Somehow they were entwining without touch, following a choreography laid down in time for lovers.
Emma Calin
#17. Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!
Sara Sheridan
#18. Be a friend to thyself, and others will be so too.
Thomas Fuller
#19. No great dependence is to be placed on the eagerness of young soldiers for action ... fighting is agreeable to those who are strangers to it.
Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus
#20. Life is amazing, and it's awful, and it's ordinary, mundane and routine, but like the sun behind the clouds, amazing is always there regardless of what is momentarily obscuring it.
Maximus Freeman
#21. It's all very well to talk like that," said Mr. Rafiel. "We, you say? What do you think I can do about it? I can't even walk without help. How can you and I set about preventing a murder? You're about a hundred and I'm a broken-up old crock.
Agatha Christie
#22. You Englishmen,' said Herr Wurter. 'You are all the same. Wherever you are you behave as if you were at home and your word was law.
Derek Raymond
#23. I don't need to travel back in time to cause trouble. Seeing back through time finds me trouble enough!
A.A. Bell
#24. To compel a man to furnish funds for the propagation of ideas he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.
Thomas Jefferson
#25. Pop was initially ignored as a moneymaker by the recording industry. In the seventies they were still relying on Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett for their big hits. You know, most of the budget for the record companies in those days went to the classical department - and those were big budget albums.
Tony Visconti
#26. A chap's impending death has a way of focusing the mind.
Sara Sheridan
#27. Last time I was on the welcome Wagon, I was holding some guy by the balls for 15 minutes while the inspector explained why should leave (Birmingham) and go home... It were really painful.
I bet it was.
'Yeah I got terrible cramp in me fingers, but he were very attentive.
Jim McGrath
#28. With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags
Saira Viola
#29. I cannot bear the language TV chefs use - they don't seem able to look at a plate of vegetables without accusing it of sexual activity.
Ann Widdecombe
#30. If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty.
Terry Pratchett
#31. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never get a chance to live!
A.A. Bell
#32. We will not sleep, but will all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye. You'll see me again. But you'll never know when. Hear that shifting, ambiguous rhythm, that promise of all things possible, and the ear is on its way to being free.
Richard Powers
#33. I loved working with Eric Close and J T Walsh.
Jeri Ryan
#35. She had a face that had had lived a thousand stories and none with a happy ending.
Jim McGrath
#36. Well, you may abuse me, be angry with me if you like," Porfiry Petrovitch began again, "but I can't resist. Allow me one little question (I know I am troubling you). There is just one little notion I want to express, simply that I may not forget it.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
#37. My parents always instilled knowing that your beautiful, that your fearfully and wonderfully made, and that you know who you are.
Amber Riley
#38. Could I please amend that suggestion? Could you not be there in the second darkest shadow one hour before midnight, to see who steps into the darkest shadow?
Terry Pratchett
#39. Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff."
"Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?"
"No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.
Howard Tayler
