Coren Quotes

#1. Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a Wirtschaftswunder , which can be briefly translated as The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one.

Alan Coren

#2. The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.

Alan Coren

#3. Disneyworld ... is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin's, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan's. It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.

Alan Coren

#4. It might be comforting to assume that intolerance is an aberration within Islam but discrimination against Christians or any other non-Muslim is in fact integral to orthodox Muslim teaching, and the more profound issue to the serious-minded is not the existence of sectarianism but its extent.

Michael Coren

#5. Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.

Alan Coren

#6. Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.

Alan Coren

#7. Catholics are frequently criticised because of the prominence and respect given to the Virgin Mary while simultaneously condemned for not giving enough prominence and respect to women.

Michael Coren

#8. There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water gush out when you get in?

Alan Coren

#9. A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes.

Alan Coren

#10. The greatest fear dogs know is the fear that you will not come back when you go out the door without them.

Stanley Coren

#11. MY INSPIRATION has always been Jeanne Calment, a Frenchwoman who smoked and drank every day and died a few years ago at the age of 122. When asked the secret of her longevity, she replied: 'I laugh a lot.' Well you would, wouldn't you.

Victoria Coren Mitchell

#12. Forcing a dog into an alpha roll, or shaking the dog, both constitute physical aggression. Physical aggression is not communication. If there is good communication, then such confrontations need not occur.

Stanley Coren

#13. From the dog's viewpoint, however, they are directly asserting dominance with that stare. When you respond by giving him what he wants, the dog interprets this as a submissive gesture on your part, and also reads this as your acceptance that the dog has a higher status in the pack than you do.

Stanley Coren

#14. All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.

Alan Coren

#15. Remember: Enjoy your life today, because yesterday has gone and tomorrow may never come.

Alan Coren

#16. 10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?

Alan Coren

#17. Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.

Alan Coren

#18. A man once told me that his dog was half pit bull and half Poodle. He claimed that it wasn't much good as a guard dog, but it was a vicious gossip.

Stanley Coren

#19. Many dog owners believe that as much as 60 percent of their pet's brain is set aside solely to demonstrate applications of the verb "to eat"-in both the active and passive forms.

Stanley Coren

#20. Galileo was challenged because he declared a theory to be a fact and argued with the Church about the genuine meaning of the Bible.

Michael Coren

#21. For those who love dogs, it would be the worst form of a lie to call any place where dogs were banned "Paradise." Certainly no loving God would separate people from their canine friends for eternity.

Stanley Coren

#22. Our reverence for workaholism has produced corporate leaders who believe they don't need sleep, and neither should anyone else.

Stanley Coren

#23. Compared to their sense of smell, dogs seem to pay a lot less attention to their sense of taste. Apparently they believe that if something fits into their mouths, then it is food, no matter what it tastes like.

Stanley Coren

#24. Dogs are just wolves in sheep's clothing.

Stanley Coren

#25. It is an almost infallible rule that the more permissive a person is on social and moral issues the more in favour they are of strict gun control.

Michael Coren

#26. Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come

Alan Coren

#27. Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.

Alan Coren

#28. If you want to gnaw greenery in the morning for health reasons, do it in your own home with the curtains drawn.

Victoria Coren Mitchell

#29. The word "souvenir" has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless; but even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.

Alan Coren

#30. I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

Alan Coren

#31. More men and women were slaughtered in a couple of weeks of the terror of the atheistic French Revolution than in a century of the Inquisition.

Michael Coren

#32. People actually occupy around 3 per cent of the earth's land surface. If 1,200 square feet was given to every person in the world, they would still all fit into an area the size of Texas - whether the Texans would object is an altogether different issue!

Michael Coren

#33. Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)

Alan Coren

#34. The Church is composed of people, and people do terrible things and commit sin - it's what the Church has been telling us for two thousand years and continues to tell us, which is why the Church is here and essentially one of the major reasons why people hate it so much.

Michael Coren

#35. Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic ... being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about 500 BC; why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.

Alan Coren

#36. The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.

Alan Coren

#37. Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

Alan Coren

#38. To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.

Alan Coren

#39. Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.

Alan Coren