Top 100 Christopher Moore Quotes
#3. That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information."
"Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system?
Christopher Moore
#5. So know this, little one. Whether you are the Messiah, or you become a rabbi, or even if you are nothing more than a farmer, here is the sum of all I can teach you, and all that I know: treat others as you would like to be treated. Can you remember that?
Christopher Moore
#6. An artist can't let madness stop him from making art, he simply has to channel it.
Christopher Moore
#7. That's the scary thing about hope," she said. "If you let it go too long it turns into faith.
Christopher Moore
#8. but all things considered, he could go a very long time not being run over by a Volvo again and feel just dandy about it. He
Christopher Moore
#9. Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There's no such place.
Christopher Moore
#12. As if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off.
Christopher Moore
#15. Everyone at the bar turned toward The Breeze and waited, as if the next few words he spoke would reveal the true meaning of life, the winning numbers of the lottery, and the unlisted phone number of God.
Christopher Moore
#16. True, I am drunk, and small, and damp, but mistake not my moistness for weakness, although there's an argument to be made for that, as well.
Christopher Moore
#17. On the radio, turned low, Reba sang of hard times with the full authority of a cross-eyed redheaded millionaire.
Christopher Moore
#19. Foo shuddered. It had been less than an hour since the cops led Abby away and already he missed her like a severed limb. It was embarrassing. How could hormones and hydrostatic pressure make you feel like this? Love was very unscientific.
Christopher Moore
#20. That's a horrible plan." "Yes, but I have chosen to ignore that.
Christopher Moore
#21. You know, a vampire book is not a book to be the vehicle for big themes and stuff, where sometimes when you're dealing with art or the life of Christ or the oeuvre of Shakespeare, you know, it's a little more ambitious.
Christopher Moore
#22. She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it.
Christopher Moore
#25. Latin, Greek, and English, plus a smattering of Italian and fucking French." "Fucking French, you say? Well . . ." "Oui," said I, in perfect fucking French.
Christopher Moore
#26. Pondering is a little like considering and a little like thinking, but looser. To ponder, one must let the facts roll around the rim of the mind's roulette wheel, coming to settle in whichever slot they feed pulled to.
Christopher Moore
#27. People always stay the age that they died at. My big brother died of leukemia when I was six. He was eight. Now when I think of him, he's always eight, and he's still my big brother. He never changes, and the part of me that remembers him never changes.
Christopher Moore
#28. That's it, said Cavuto. You're too much of a nerd to be gay. I'm contacting the committee. They'll revoke your rainbow flag and you will not be permitted anywhere near the parade.
Christopher Moore
#30. Come up here if you have a vision or if you are in trouble." Pokey grabbed a bag from the floor of the truck and handed it to Samson through the window. "There's a blanket in there and some mint
Christopher Moore
#31. Minty Fresh made a motion with his hands of leveling, as if he were smoothing an imaginary tablecloth of calm over a counter constructed of contemporary freak-out.
Christopher Moore
#32. She gave him the wide, green-eyed expression that she would have described as I will slap you so far into next week that it will take a team of surgeons just to get Wednesday out of your ass.
Christopher Moore
#33. An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture.
Christopher Moore
#34. Your puny worm god weapons are useless against my superior Christmas Kung Fu.
Christopher Moore
#35. A theory has no better time than when it's lying there naked, pure, unsullied by facts.
Christopher Moore
#36. Y'all got to love something. Y'all got to hate something. Y'all got to want something. Pissing on other people's passion 'cause you trying to be cool just make you a coward - a
Christopher Moore
#37. We've been rehearsing a classic from antiquity, Green Eggs and Hamlet, the story of a young prince of Denmark who goes mad, drowns his girlfriend, and in his remorse, forces spoiled breakfast on all whom he meets.
Christopher Moore
#39. The three jewels of Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. Balthasar said compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership.
Christopher Moore
#40. And he was like "The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk -" -Abby
Christopher Moore
#41. I wanted a trumpet concerto that reflected Native American music because, well, there aren't any. I looked around for one but couldn't find anything. So it's a wide-open field.
Christopher Moore
#42. As much as I encourage communication with my readers, I don't want reviews from them, simply because I don't need to be hamstrung in the middle of working on something.
Christopher Moore
#43. I try to stick to one, single rule, "If you don't have anything to say, shut the fuck up." I think that's in the Bible or something.
Christopher Moore
#44. Blessed with the Beta Male imagination, he spent much of his life squinting into the future so he might spot ways in which the world was conspiring to kill him ...
Christopher Moore
#46. If you come to a river and find a boat at the edge, you will use that boat and it will serve you well, but once across the river, do you put the boat on your shoulders and carry it with you on the rest of your journey?
Christopher Moore
#47. Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it.
Christopher Moore
#50. The landings below the bridge were perfect alcoves for conspiracy.
Christopher Moore
#51. You don't have to tell him anything, Asher,' Lily said, obviously renewing her loyalty in spite of his douche wafflosity.
Christopher Moore
#52. FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read What the Fuck? Same with OMG, and OMFG, which are Oh My God and Oh My Fucking God. Only a completely lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters.
Christopher Moore
#53. Adeline had come to Christianity the same way she had come to sex and smoking:through peer pressure.Thinking about her six kids and her smoker's hack, she wondered if perhaps peer pressure didn't always lead to the best habits.
Christopher Moore
#54. It is generally agreed, and in fact stated in the bylaws of the American Kennel Club, that you have not been truly dog-humped until you have been double-dog-humped by a pair of four-hundred-pound hounds from hell
Christopher Moore
#55. I would have looked away, should have, but I had never seen a green one. A weaker man might have plucked out his own eyes, but being a philosopher, I knew the sight could never be unseen, so I persevered.
Christopher Moore
#56. But there was no gangrene or amputations like the doctors threatened, and we got a B, so I don't see what all the noise and counseling was about. Anyway,
Christopher Moore
#57. Kayso, Foo finally came home and I jumped into his arms and sort of rode him to the ground with a massive tongue kiss so deep that I could taste the burned cinnamon toast of his soul, but then I slapped him, so he didn't think I was a slut. (Shut up, he had wood.)
Being the Journal of Abby Normal
Christopher Moore
#58. Bet he was myrrh," said Josh. "Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me. My mother told me the myrrh went bad after a week too." Did I mention that Joshua was not a myrrh fan?
Christopher Moore
#59. Steady and righteous we may be, my friend, but without courage to risk ourselves for our brother, we are but politicians - blustering whores to rhetoric.
Christopher Moore
#60. I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone.
Christopher Moore
#61. The sofa was lumpy enough to have had a body sewed into it; stuffing spilled out of the arms where the victim had tried to escape.
Christopher Moore
#62. the preferable way to treat one another is with love and kindness; that pursuit of material gain is ultimately empty when measured against eternity; and that somehow, as human beings, we are all connected spiritually.
Christopher Moore
#63. Kayso, it turns out that driving an actual car is way harder than it is in 'Grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown.
Christopher Moore
#65. Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.
Christopher Moore
#66. They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker. That's a whole different program. Political science, I think.
Christopher Moore
#67. He had a plan - and a bus pass with four more days left on it - so this son of a bitch had picked the wrong guy to fuck with.
Christopher Moore
#68. This is the man who called the fire department when the toilet backed up, and I'm asking him for help. What was I thinking? Why am I attracted to weak men?
Christopher Moore
#70. She looked at him - those wide blue eyes - with sort of an odd, glazed look. Not with the adoration or wonder that you might expect, more like she'd been drinking and would be leaving as soon as she found her car keys.
Christopher Moore
#71. You're going to need more than that to usher in the kingdom of God, Josh, no offense. We can't go home with, 'Hi, I'm the Messiah, God wanted you to have this bacon.
Christopher Moore
#73. The two had been together since they were little girls, and so loved and hated each other like sisters.
Christopher Moore
#76. You whoreson scalawag!" said I. "You flesh-turd dropped stinking from the poxy arsehole of a hare-lipped harlot!
Christopher Moore
#78. I was all, "Oh, dog, Countess gonna crack open a forty of whup-ass on you now. Oh, you in the sh*t now, wigga!" (I am not incline to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.) -Abby
Christopher Moore
#79. One day the good times had to keep on rolling, and all of life's horseshit would turn to circuses.
Christopher Moore
#80. It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.
Christopher Moore
#81. But I have known many women
many women indeed, and it is in their nature to confound us, Othello. They are all by their natures lovely lunatics.
Christopher Moore
#82. Cofishes-other fish in a group, coworkers, cohorts, etc. Shut up, it's a word.
Christopher Moore
#83. I really don't think of my work in terms of a genre. I think of it in terms of what I want to say, what I think is cool, and what I'm good at.
Christopher Moore
#85. If you are going to learn, you need to forget what you know. - Pokey
Christopher Moore
#86. That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.
Christopher Moore
#87. She was meaning and order and light, and now that she's gone, chaos falls like a dark leaden cloud.
Christopher Moore
#89. Why is it one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere, but one must busta cap in someone's ass?
Christopher Moore
#90. couldn't be more Scottish if it was painted blue and smelled of burning peat and your ginger sister.
Christopher Moore
#91. The scientific method is nothing more than a system of rules to keep us from lying to each other.
Ken Norris
#92. Enchantment and seduction were fine means of persuasion, but when time is short, an awkward but quick concussion could better serve a girl's purpose.
Christopher Moore
#93. You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't.
Christopher Moore
#94. What is your name?" asked Lear.
Caius," said Kent.
And whence do you hail?"
From Bonking, sire."
Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town?
Christopher Moore
#95. Like God's own chocolate, I'd lick her shadow off a hot sidewalk
Christopher Moore
#96. Do we look like thrill-seekers? Wasn't it enough that we had to put up that sign reading NO HABLA ESPANOL and acknowledge the existence of thirty percent of the population, even in the negative?
Christopher Moore
#97. The reason I'm writing funny books is that I wish there were more.
Christopher Moore
#98. Everyone is happier if they have someone else to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both.
Christopher Moore
#100. We looked not at each other, and neither at the ground, but at a place in space a few feet from our faces, where I suppose one looks for a clear answer to appear out of undefined shock.
Christopher Moore
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