Cancer Humor Quotes

#1. How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it.

Laurie Notaro

#2. Since I came to the White House, I've gotten two hearing aids, had a colon operation, a prostate operation, skin cancer, and I've been shot ... damn thing is, I've never felt better.

Ronald Reagan

#3. The truth is like sunlight: It causes cancer.

J. Richard Singleton

#4. Those who say that I am being punished are saying that god can't think of anything more vengeful than cancer for a heavy smoker.

Christopher Hitchens

#5. Pam's father had been diagnosed with rectal cancer. It didn't surprise me. Put a bunch of white assholes together and you're going to find that going around.

Stephen King

#6. Your organs are all failing, but your cancer...well, your cancer is doing great.

Al Sarrantonio

#7. When I was in medical school, I embarrassed myself horribly when I found a 'lump' in my breast and frantically ran to one of the older doctors to find out if I had cancer. I found out I had a rib.

Susan M. Love

#8. Man, it was a good thing vampires didn't get cancer. Lately he'd been chain-smoking like a felon.

J.R. Ward

#9. Cancer is probably the most unfunny thing in the world, but I'm a comedian, and even cancer couldn't stop me from seeing the humor in what I went through.

Gilda Radner

#10. You see, I don't know why I did it, he declared as if he had
just discovered the cure for cancer. But the only thing he had
discovered was yet another way to piss me off.

Danka V.

#11. Watch it ... people who keep things inside them develop all sorts of disease ... all that emotional gunk's got to find an outlet. Angry people develop cysts; stubborn people get arthritis; resentful people die of cancer.

Arlene J. Chai

#12. Email is the scourge of our age,' said Silvia. 'Email and cancer.

Olivia Sudjic

#13. I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ' Jerk ' on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ' Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon.

Becca Fitzpatrick

#14. I don't think you're dying," I said. "I think you've just got a touch of cancer.
He smiled. Gallows humor.

John Green

#15. I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

Mitch Hedberg

#16. Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page," Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don't think it's accurate to say, 'Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried.

John Green

#17. It's very hard not to commit cancer suicide in America.

Jonathan Ames

#18. I'm still trying to figure out how to write about cancer and my family's experience with it. If I had been able to write 'The Pura Principle' back in those days, I'm positive it would have had no humor in it. Which means the story would have been false.

Junot Diaz

#19. When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma.

Sol Luckman

#20. The most terrible fear that anybody should have is not war, is not a disease, not cancer or heart problems or food poisoning - it's a man or a woman without a sense of humor.

Jonathan Winters

#21. You hear that I'm nauseous and sick to my stomach and the first thing that comes to your mind is cancer?

Judy Angelo

#22. I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn't tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You're a woman. Now die.)

John Green