Braff's Quotes

#1. Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn't have anything to hide - Zach Braff lays it all out there for everybody to see. That is Zach Braff's secret to Zach Braff's success.

Zach Braff

#2. Maybe that's all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.

Zach Braff

#3. A child's death is really of less value than an adult's. I mean, what could you really accomplish in a year? Not much, and that's not even talking about, you know, pay-wise.

Zach Braff

#4. Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.

Zach Braff

#5. People often ask me when there's going to be a Mrs. Zach Braff. It's a confusing question sometimes because many people don't realize that my mother is named Mrs. Zach Braff.

Zach Braff

#6. It's funny when I read the tabloids and they're reporting on only a fraction of the life I'm leading.

Zach Braff

#7. It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It's like denying the cure for polio or something.

Zach Braff

#8. I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.

Zach Braff

#9. Lots of people were giving me flak when I made the deal to do the very last season of Scrubs for $350,000 an episode. When really I'm the one that's being cheated, because the writer's strike is keeping me from all the money that I could be making. I need to eat, too.

Zach Braff

#10. You know how they do that effect in movies, where they make it look like you have a twin, but it's really just the same actor playing both characters in the scene? I knew this would be the best route, but I just wasn't comfortable dressing as a woman, so I had to hire other actors.

Zach Braff

#11. I don't think it's a black and white issue. If a man's family is starving so to speak, I don't think I'll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread.

Zach Braff

#12. There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong?

Zach Braff

#13. I don't ask questions. I just figure the extra warm days are God's way of rewarding me for Garden State

Zach Braff

#14. I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.

Zach Braff

#15. I can't watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where's the substantive news? Where's the Zach Braff coverage?

Zach Braff

#16. It's not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It's just that, we weren't there, we don't know.

Zach Braff

#17. Michael Eisner contacted me once and asked me if he could change the name of Disneyland to 'Braffland.' I said no, because whenever I go to Disneyland there's always fat people everywhere wearing tight clothes. Disneyland, frankly, has a lot of improving to do before it gets my namesake.

Zach Braff

#18. So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It's like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn't deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years.

Zach Braff

#19. When I played the Shins, I changed someone's life. When I play Belle and Sebastian in a pivotal scene in my next movie ... well, let's just say I made sure I that I can't be held legally responsible for all the deaths people will suffer out of shock upon hearing them. They're a terrific band.

Zach Braff

#20. People are always saying bad things about them, but really they think they're just trying to clean up our planet. I'm not saying it's right but, you know, we could all benefit from following that example.

Zach Braff

#21. I always wanted to direct movies. That's what I set out to do. When I was a little kid I just dreamed of making movies, and I went to film school.

Zach Braff

#22. I love signing autographs! Sometimes, when people ask me for one, I keep the photo for myself and frame it. It's a Win-Win situation really; I get an extra 25 dollars in my pocket AND another portrait for my bedroom.

Zach Braff

#23. It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

Zach Braff

#24. I mean, nobody's ever thrown a big rock at me or my friends, but we're all pretty tough guys and could probably handle it.

Zach Braff

#25. It was really starting to get pathetic, everyday they would come in looking for one thing or another. 'Zach, can you give me some acting tips?' 'Zach, will you let me blow you?' 'Can I have some cash?' That's when I made the call, that's when I decided seven was enough

Zach Braff

#26. Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited, like I actually give a crap what she's saying. Come on, she's a woman. But still, it's very cute.

Zach Braff

#27. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it's just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me.

Zach Braff

#28. I was inspired by World Vision. It's almost like I sponsored (Donald) Faison and gave him an opportunity to do something with his life. What more would he want than to work with me?

Zach Braff

#29. If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better.

Zach Braff

#30. I'd really like to give back to the world, but everything I've achieved, I've earned on my own, so what's the point?

Zach Braff

#31. In theater or movies you see either 'I'm religious' or 'I'm an atheist.' I've never seen too much discussion of 'I believe there's a higher power but I'm hesitant to reach out to him because I don't know if I'm worthy of his attention.'

Zach Braff

#32. I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker?

Zach Braff

#33. I figure it this way - if a woman claims she didn't want me to fudge her, then you already know she's a liar. So what the hell's the point of a trial, y'know?

Zach Braff

#34. I think in a play it's wise to just sit back and watch other actors and be able to shape it from the audience.

Zach Braff

#35. Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?

Zach Braff

#36. Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it's about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society.

Zach Braff

#37. If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it's light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.

Zach Braff

#38. When you win your first Grammy, it's true, you really want to thank all the little people.

Zach Braff

#39. I donno, it's not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine.

Zach Braff

#40. My mother's a psychologist, my stepfather's a psychologist, my stepmother is a therapist and my dad's a lawyer. So it was all prominent in my life. I don't know anyone who doesn't know someone on some form of prescription medicine.

Zach Braff

#41. I don't belive Oprah's sexual abuse stories, I mean who would take a black girl when there are plenty of white?

Zach Braff

#42. She can't say no if she's unconscious.

Zach Braff

#43. It's trust issue more than anything. I mean, whats stopping them from teaming up, dressing up like a really tall person in a trenchcoat, and then BAM. They sneak out with all your furniture

Zach Braff

#44. I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.

Zach Braff

#45. I mean, what's eleven million people now days?

Zach Braff

#46. I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I've seen it save a lot of people's lives.

Zach Braff

#47. So, yeah, I mean, there is something universal about that feeling - that 20-something, what the hell am I going to do with my life, I'm lost and my parents are freaking me out, and what's the point? Every generation has a way of making that unique, but there are certain universals of that feeling.

Zach Braff

#48. Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

Zach Braff

#49. I've always tried to learn from the greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus ... it's just that there's this tremendous pressure to correct all the things they got wrong.

Zach Braff

#50. When you're the director and the writer, you never have to remember your lines, and there's no one to call you on it. On Garden State I did different lines on every take, just making crap up. And it was great each time.

Zach Braff

#51. It's hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it.

Zach Braff

#52. I think the Bible should be re-written for today's society. We can call it 'Scrubs.'

Zach Braff

#53. Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter ... Well I'd probably keep it actually.

Zach Braff

#54. I really love young Tom Hanks. He's just one of my favorites. He's a great, quirky every-man. I also love Zach Braff. I really love actors that are quirky and interesting, that sort of try to portray 'normal' people.

Jake Epstein

#55. Let's face it, it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography.

Zach Braff

#56. I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.

Zach Braff

#57. Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.

Zach Braff

#58. It's just Gods way of getting babies to heaven faster!

Zach Braff

#59. Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.

Zach Braff

#60. My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.

Zach Braff

#61. I love music and I love musicians and when I hear something that's great, I always say it's like you go to a movie and you can't wait to tell your friends about it.

Zach Braff

#62. I'm sure lots of actors and creative people go through this, where you have some weeks where it's all going according to plan and some weeks where you're super frustrated.

Zach Braff

#63. I really don't know why we need a whole month dedicated to blacks. It's not like they're the only ones that suffered. I mean, what about us whites? We're the ones that have to deal with these monkeys everyday, but you don't see us demanding a whole month to ourselves.

Zach Braff

#64. I've always preferred Marvel over DC. I just relate to their characters better. I mean look at Wolverine, at first he was just a bit player in an ensemble cast. Now he's the only reason people read X-Men. Just like me and Scrubs.

Zach Braff

#65. One of the things about Scrubs is that it's about great friendships and ... as broad and as serious as we get it's always really about friendship. It's about getting through the challenging parts of your life with the help of your friends.

Zach Braff

#66. I'm not saying eating babies should be legal, but when they're so delicious, what's the harm in it? I don't know what tastes better, their innocence or their gooey rib butter.

Zach Braff

#67. It's kind of ironic that my character is a doctor who acts very gay with his best friend. I don't see how gays could ever be doctors, they spend too much time whining about everything. Just get off your soapbox and go back to designing floral arrangements

Zach Braff

#68. At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I'd just love to see Will Smith's face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That'd show that no-talent uncle tom.

Zach Braff

#69. I'm a busy guy; I just get a lot of people that sound like me to go out and visit them. They don't know the difference and, let's face it, they aren't going to be paying to see my movies anytime soon.

Zach Braff

#70. People still make New Year's resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday.

Zach Braff

#71. A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy, and in some ways it is, but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there.

Zach Braff

#72. I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer ... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?

Zach Braff

#73. Complete garbage. It's like Garden State, but in outer space.

Zach Braff

#74. Dude, writing, acting and directing are such easy jobs. But to do them all as awesomely as Zach Braff does, well that ... that's something.

Zach Braff

#75. For me, acting in scenes with other people is like playing soccer with a bunch of legless five year olds. It's not really fair to them, but what else can I do, you know?

Zach Braff

#76. It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty.

Zach Braff

#77. It's always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone's looking to me for guidance.

Zach Braff

#78. My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.

Zach Braff

#79. It's not that George Bush doesn't care about black people, god made hurricanes, not people who can't swim.

Zach Braff

#80. I love 'Scrubs.' It's the best day job in the world.

Zach Braff

#81. It used to be that you came out of school, and you got married - those who were going to get married. But my peers are getting married in their early 30s, so now there's like this extra 10 years of that angst.

Zach Braff

#82. It's a give and take relationship with my fans. They give me love and adoration, and I take it from them.

Zach Braff

#83. It's a really fun hobby to set imagery to music, and finding the right songs for that. Your favorite song in the world might not work at all ... for one reason or another.

Zach Braff

#84. I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind.

Zach Braff

#85. It's not that I'm racist or anything, because I'm not, but I just don't think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway.

Zach Braff

#86. People ask me, 'Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?' I always tell them that there's nothing on earth better than being famous.

Zach Braff

#87. Look on the bright side; that's one bullet that's not going to hit me.

Zach Braff

#88. Whenever I'm feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children's hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know?

Zach Braff

#89. I don't think that other races are inferior, I just think that there's something special about white people. Sometimes, when I think about all the things white people have accomplished throughout history, I smile, and I nod, and I think to myself, 'Yeah, I'm glad I'm on that team.'

Zach Braff

#90. There is one person I can think of better than me. And that's Zach Braff. What a cool guy.

Zach Braff

#91. After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitamins

Zach Braff

#92. It's just people trying to get on TV, not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me.

Zach Braff

#93. People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example.

Zach Braff

#94. I think slavery was an awful, awful period in our history, but when I look at what's become of black culture since emancipation, I think you have to admit, maybe the Confederacy was on to something

Zach Braff

#95. That image is a couple different people's homes that I knew growing up.

Zach Braff

#96. I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.

Zach Braff

#97. It's ... it's such a weird thing. After Garden State, so many companies wanted to make my movies, and after The Last Kiss, I realized people would make anything I was in. As long as I keep this up I'll be swimming in chubby indie girl pussy.

Zach Braff

#98. I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.

Zach Braff

#99. I had a dream once. I wanted to do a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass. That's when I realized, 'Hey, I'm freakin' Zach Braff.' I did it the next morning.

Zach Braff

#100. My hands are huge. When I was on 'Scrubs,' Zach Braff used to make fun of them all the time. And now I made some list. I guess Jennifer Garner is on the top of the list for best hands and I'm fourth down. But that's for people who really like an NBA star's hands.

Eliza Coupe