Bob Monkhouse Quotes

#1. My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

Bob Monkhouse

#2. I got my start in silent radio.

Bob Monkhouse

#3. A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Bob Monkhouse

#4. I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Bob Monkhouse

#5. I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

Bob Monkhouse

#6. Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Bob Monkhouse

#7. Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Bob Monkhouse

#8. My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

Bob Monkhouse

#9. With my wife it was sex, sex, sex ... Yes, three times in 35 years.

Bob Monkhouse

#10. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Bob Monkhouse

#11. I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!

Bob Monkhouse

#12. I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

Bob Monkhouse

#13. They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Bob Monkhouse

#14. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Bob Monkhouse

#15. I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

Bob Monkhouse

#16. I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.

Bob Monkhouse

#17. When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

Bob Monkhouse

#18. I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Bob Monkhouse

#19. I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

Bob Monkhouse

#20. Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money

Bob Monkhouse

#21. A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Bob Monkhouse

#22. I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

Bob Monkhouse

#23. You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

Bob Monkhouse

#24. What do gardeners do when they retire?

Bob Monkhouse

#25. Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

Bob Monkhouse

#26. My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

Bob Monkhouse

#27. Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

Bob Monkhouse

#28. I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

Bob Monkhouse

#29. I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

Bob Monkhouse

#30. Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

Bob Monkhouse

#31. I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

Bob Monkhouse

#32. My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

Bob Monkhouse

#33. The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Bob Monkhouse

#34. Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Bob Monkhouse

#35. My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

Bob Monkhouse

#36. I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

Bob Monkhouse