Bo Burnham Quotes

#1. And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

Bo Burnham

#2. I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think.

Bo Burnham

#3. People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist ... how do we fix Africa?'

Bo Burnham

#4. I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.

Bo Burnham

#5. I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

Bo Burnham

#6. Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Bo Burnham

#7. Mmmmmm
I like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

Bo Burnham

#8. 'Words, Words, Words' was very much its title. It's just words, words, words and trying to show that I can pack as much material into an hour as I possibly could word count-wise.

Bo Burnham

#9. You guys like impressions? Why?

Bo Burnham

#10. Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Bo Burnham

#11. For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.

Bo Burnham

#12. Comedy doesn't really matter that much; I know that. I treat it like an adult - I don't treat it like a child or a god, which some people do. This might just be in America, but 'stand-up comedy' is something very particular that I don't particularly relate to.

Bo Burnham

#13. How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18 ... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

Bo Burnham

#14. I don't consciously try to make things difficult as much as I try to make them a little different. I like all kinds of laughs. I tried to make a show that elicit groans, guffaws, chuckles, boos.

Bo Burnham

#15. I've always liked TV shows that have slightly unlikable leads, where you root for them in spite of a lot of things. I know it's not common with shows with young people; they have to be so likable. But, I mean, teenagers just generally aren't very likable. I know I wasn't as a teenager.

Bo Burnham

#16. Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Bo Burnham

#17. Well, man, you know what they say.
No, I don't. I don't know what they say.
I don't even know who they are.
Who is this they?
They seem pretty smug.
They seem to think they know shit.
Fuck them.

Bo Burnham

#18. I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

Bo Burnham

#19. Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

Bo Burnham

#20. I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.

Bo Burnham

#21. I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

Bo Burnham

#22. I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

Bo Burnham

#23. Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

Bo Burnham

#24. I'm very interested in trying to make comedy shows that are a bit bigger, more theatrical, more of a "show." Some people might say I'm trying too hard, but that's a compliment to me. I like to inject a bit of production value and flair to comedy, or at least to my little corner of comedy.

Bo Burnham

#25. Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

Bo Burnham

#26. People do complain about the way I act on stage ... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.

Bo Burnham

#27. I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me ...

Bo Burnham

#28. I don't try to call myself a poet. But I know that my stuff is pretty literal, in that the themes are pretty simple and on the surface.

Bo Burnham

#29. I've always liked the format of YouTube, sharing things for free, which is a nice exchange between people.

Bo Burnham

#30. I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Bo Burnham

#31. For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet.

Bo Burnham

#32. I don't like calling myself a "feminist" only because I don't think I've done anything active enough to call myself one. It'd be like calling myself a civil rights activist just because I'm not racist.

Bo Burnham

#33. The strength of comedy is I don't have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people.

Bo Burnham

#34. I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

Bo Burnham

#35. I was definitely not the kid that just wanted to be famous for no reason whatsoever and then happened to find comedy. Fame and all that stuff have always been slightly terrifying to me, and it makes me very anxious.

Bo Burnham

#36. My work is trying to at least define myself on my own terms, and then if other people enjoy things that's a lovely addition.

Bo Burnham

#37. I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I ... don't.

Bo Burnham

#38. Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

Bo Burnham

#39. If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Bo Burnham

#40. People give me money and I don't know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

Bo Burnham

#41. Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop's another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you're talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It's like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.

Bo Burnham

#42. Judge Jesus I said, "You can't judge me. Only Jesus can!" He said, "Well I can 'cause I'm a judge and 'cause you just killed a man.

Bo Burnham

#43. Forever and An Instant met up one day,
Had a short, but lovely talk,
then each went on it's way.

Bo Burnham

#44. I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, [ ... ] I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.

Bo Burnham

#45. At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact that maybe it's just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.

Bo Burnham

#46. I just like to write and then perform.

Bo Burnham

#47. And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

Bo Burnham

#48. Fireflies Hey, fireflies! Fly higher, guys! Fly high above this place. Till a sky rise is a wire's size. Then fly off into space. I catch stupid bugs in jars but you're not bugs you're baby stars!

Bo Burnham

#49. The problem for us, as viewers, is that we want famous people who are passionate about the things they're famous for, because that makes them worthy of the attention. But I think many of those famous people just want to be famous.

Bo Burnham

#50. I was doing theater in my high school, and I started writing sort of silly songs on the piano backstage in summer theater. I eventually put them online and started getting this little following.

Bo Burnham

#51. Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really
good point, they should ... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!

Bo Burnham

#52. If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.

Bo Burnham

#53. If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there's a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.

Bo Burnham

#54. I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don't want to construct the show to prove something.

Bo Burnham

#55. We're having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

Bo Burnham

#56. I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

Bo Burnham

#57. When I walk into a room, you'd think I was one of those long, straight Tetris pieces because everyone's just like, Oh great, you're here! We've been waiting for you to show up.

Bo Burnham

#58. Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

Bo Burnham

#59. I remember being superyoung, like nine or ten years old, and thinking, 'Man, I wonder what famous people eat for breakfast. They must have some special kind of cereal!' My mind was so warped by the idea of fame.

Bo Burnham

#60. Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Bo Burnham

#61. When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

Bo Burnham

#62. My persona on stage was always coming from a place of I know better than you and I'm going to be a little bit pretentious in your face with these sort of crass ideas.

Bo Burnham

#63. I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a 'sociopath.'

Bo Burnham

#64. I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.

Bo Burnham

#65. Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

Bo Burnham

#66. There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

Bo Burnham

#67. No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.

Bo Burnham

#68. The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

Bo Burnham

#69. You How, may I ask, did you get so you, you beautiful true-to-you doer? I've met many today but can honestly say that I've never met anyone you-er.

Bo Burnham

#70. What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

Bo Burnham

#71. I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.

Bo Burnham

#72. Where are all the sour patch parents?

Bo Burnham

#73. Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

Bo Burnham

#74. Imagination They say adults have no imagination. Not true. Just instead of dinosaurs and spaceships, they imagine silence and the new babysitter bent over the coffee table.

Bo Burnham

#75. For me, comedy is constantly presented as this fake casualness, like a guy just walked on stage going, 'This crazy thing happened to me the other day.' And he's in front of 3000 people, and he's acting like an everyman, and he's getting paid so much money.

Bo Burnham

#76. In high school, I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.

Bo Burnham

#77. And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

Bo Burnham

#78. I'd really love to make something that doesn't involve my stupid face.

Bo Burnham

#79. When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen.

Bo Burnham

#80. I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost ... my virginity.

Bo Burnham

#81. I think controversy has this allusion of being controversial but it's totally not, which is why I'm trying to get away from it because it's just easy and automatic.

Bo Burnham

#82. I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed

Bo Burnham

#83. In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.

Bo Burnham

#84. I saw a giraffe with a short neck
That was sad
Or a deer

Bo Burnham

#85. There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind.

Bo Burnham

#86. I love you just the way you are
but you don't see you like I do.
You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect.
Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

Bo Burnham

#87. Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

Bo Burnham

#88. Bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist.

Bo Burnham

#89. Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function.

Bo Burnham

#90. The strange thing was, when I was starting on YouTube, even the paradigm of YouTube and Internet sensation - or whatever - that didn't really exist. So I didn't even know that that was a thing.

Bo Burnham

#91. The U.K. and Europe in general seem to be a lot more patient. The U.S. are expecting 'joke joke joke joke joke joke joke.' They don't actually sit and listen to you.

Bo Burnham

#92. My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like ... boys.

Bo Burnham

#93. I'm happy with what I'm doing. I try not to focus on how I've changed. I just try to focus on what I'm doing now.

Bo Burnham

#94. Your afraid of sharks?
Really?
They don't even have bones!
They have cartilage.
Are you afraid of ears too?

Bo Burnham

#95. I'm not a grown up until everybody realises I'm a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid.

Bo Burnham

#96. Searching I'm not looking in every nook and cranny for it. I'll do the nooks. No way I left my keys in some fucking cranny.

Bo Burnham

#97. Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

Bo Burnham

#98. If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Bo Burnham

#99. I think comedy has a range, with multiple peaks in different areas. It's like trying to compare Beethoven and the Beatles. Sometimes I hear from people, 'I think you try too hard in your comedy.' And that's what I worry about.

Bo Burnham

#100. Love is all about ... whistles.

Bo Burnham