Top 100 Behrendt Quotes
#1. The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have.
Greg Behrendt
#2. My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
Greg Behrendt
#3. A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves
Greg Behrendt
#4. So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
Greg Behrendt
#5. Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.
Greg Behrendt
#6. Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.
Greg Behrendt
#7. He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.
Greg Behrendt
#8. My buddy Tom ... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.
Greg Behrendt
#9. Social media is a really cool way to tell your story to people who are interested in hearing it. It's not getting put through the filter of a television executive who's decided you're too old to justify the expenditure.
Greg Behrendt
#11. I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change.
Greg Behrendt
#12. When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you.
Greg Behrendt
#13. If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater ... I'd be just fine.
Greg Behrendt
#14. But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation
Greg Behrendt
#15. You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don't need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.
Greg Behrendt
#16. I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'
Greg Behrendt
#17. I've learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work.
Greg Behrendt
#18. Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would ...
Greg Behrendt
#19. I'm not a big fan of comedy roasts because most of the time I find them to be really mean, but once in a while, you'll hear something perfectly worded and well-crafted.
Greg Behrendt
#20. Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart.
Greg Behrendt
#21. If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
Greg Behrendt
#22. If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing,
because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away.
Greg Behrendt
#23. Turning a breakup into a break-over ... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
Greg Behrendt
#24. There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.
Greg Behrendt
#25. Uncool is a cool resting place. The pressure's off me.
Greg Behrendt
#26. E may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.
Greg Behrendt
#27. I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!
Greg Behrendt
#28. Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.
Greg Behrendt
#29. Hey, Hot Stuff, Can't wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it's soon. You're way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I'm out here waiting. Your Future
Greg Behrendt
#30. There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
Greg Behrendt
#31. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.
Greg Behrendt
#32. The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.
Greg Behrendt
#33. People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.
Greg Behrendt
#35. I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.
Greg Behrendt
#36. Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.
Greg Behrendt
#37. One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning
Greg Behrendt
#39. Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that's great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where's your Metallica?
Greg Behrendt
#40. When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you'd like them to be.
Greg Behrendt
#41. We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, "You're not the
one." We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.
Greg Behrendt
#42. I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.
Greg Behrendt
#43. Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth.
Greg Behrendt
#44. Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: They don't break up with you.
Greg Behrendt
#45. I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.
Greg Behrendt
#46. For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.
Greg Behrendt
#47. Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse.
Greg Behrendt
#48. I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.
Greg Behrendt
#49. You already have one asshole, you don't need another one
Greg Behrendt
#50. Better than nothing is not good enough for you!
Greg Behrendt
#51. I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.
Greg Behrendt
#53. I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.
Greg Behrendt
#54. A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.
Greg Behrendt
#55. I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!
Greg Behrendt
#56. The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.
Greg Behrendt
#58. It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.
Greg Behrendt
#59. So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.
Greg Behrendt
#60. Feeling in love (or lust) and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.
Greg Behrendt
#61. I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.
Greg Behrendt
#62. It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.
Greg Behrendt
#63. Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.
Greg Behrendt
#64. I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.
Greg Behrendt
#65. I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.
Greg Behrendt
#67. This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done.
Greg Behrendt
#68. If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.
Greg Behrendt
#69. Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?
Greg Behrendt
#70. Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.
Greg Behrendt
#71. The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!
Greg Behrendt
#72. The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.
Greg Behrendt
#73. Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I've gotten older. But now I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved.
Greg Behrendt
#74. If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you'll find it begins to move on after a while.
Greg Behrendt
#75. Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.
Greg Behrendt
#76. You are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person.
Greg Behrendt
#77. Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges
Greg Behrendt
#78. Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time
Greg Behrendt
#79. I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.
Greg Behrendt
#80. I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.
Greg Behrendt
#81. She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.
Greg Behrendt
#82. I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.
Greg Behrendt
#84. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.
Greg Behrendt
#85. Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.
Greg Behrendt
#86. Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.
Greg Behrendt
#87. Is he making you happy? I don't mean some of the time, on rare occasions, not that often, "but the good still outweighs the bad." Does he make it clear in his actions every day that your happiness is important to him?
Greg Behrendt
#88. There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.
Greg Behrendt
#89. I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.
Greg Behrendt
#90. Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people ... Because they'll let you down.
Greg Behrendt
#91. As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that's why I call her as often as I do.
Greg Behrendt
#92. People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.
Greg Behrendt
#93. There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it's your relationship that's insecure, not his bank account.
Greg Behrendt
#94. Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself
Greg Behrendt
#95. The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.
Greg Behrendt
#96. Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?
Greg Behrendt
#97. Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.
Greg Behrendt
#98. The best thing that can happen in a relationship is when you are the same person you were before the relationship started. You are not hiding anything, and you still have a life of your own. The other best thing is sex - that is a super positive.
Greg Behrendt
#99. Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.
Greg Behrendt
#100. I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.
Greg Behrendt
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