Top 100 Aziz Ansari Quotes
#1. I didn't have a role model. My role model was Michael Jordan. Bad role model for an Indian dude ... I didn't have anyone who looked like me. And by the time I was old enough to have what could have been a role model, they were my peers. Aziz Ansari is my peer. Kal Penn is my peer.
Utkarsh Ambudkar
#2. I played myself in an Aziz Ansari comedy, and that was funny to see how they saw me ... flowing scarves and a flourish of pink! Eek!
Colin Salmon
#3. people have been cheating on each other for as long as they've made promises to be monogamous
Aziz Ansari
#4. I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship.
Aziz Ansari
#5. For women in this era, it seemed that marriage was the easiest way of acquiring the basic freedoms of adulthood. Things
Aziz Ansari
#6. If you are in a big city or on an online dating site, you are flooded with options. Seeing all these options, like the people in the job example, are we now comparing our potential partners not to other potential partners but rather to an idealized person whom no one could measure up to?
Aziz Ansari
#7. If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw. If thou canst fly in the air, thou art no better than a fly. Conquer thy heart that thou mayest become somebody.
Aziz Ansari
#8. Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
Aziz Ansari
#9. Hi, I'm Jane. I'm twenty-four and I have a similar experience with Tinder where I was, like, at a party with friends and they were like, "This is the funnest game ever. Let's play this." And I downloaded it. And then, like, started seeing way too many people I knew. So I deleted it.
Aziz Ansari
#10. What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.
Aziz Ansari
#11. It's hard to really get that excited about movies. Think about it like this: how many good comedy movies come out a year? Maybe one or two? And then, in those movies, what are the chances that there's a character that I'm the best fit to play? It's really small!
Aziz Ansari
#12. Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.
Aziz Ansari
#13. Emily told us. "I would never go on a first date somewhere in my town because I know all the waiters. I know all the bartenders. I know everybody.
Aziz Ansari
#14. too many people spend way too much time doing the online part of online dating, not the dating part.
Aziz Ansari
#15. Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
Aziz Ansari
#16. I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.
Aziz Ansari
#17. The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone.
Aziz Ansari
#18. We each sit alone, staring at this black screen with a whole range of emotions. But in a strange way, we are all doing it together, and we should take solace in the fact that no one has a clue what's going on. I
Aziz Ansari
#19. For the first time in history, the typical American now spends more years single than married. What
Aziz Ansari
#20. It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different variations of a joke until I land on one I think is really good.
Aziz Ansari
#21. If you subscribe to Sherry Turkle's argument that the prevalence of text-based communications is leading to a decline in face-to-face conversations and the skills to conduct them, the shift makes total sense.
Aziz Ansari
#22. The four sweetest words in the English language - 'You wore me down.'
Aziz Ansari
#23. I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them.
Aziz Ansari
#24. Initially, we are attracted to people by their physical appearance and traits we can quickly recognize. But the things that really make us fall for someone are their deeper, more unique qualities, and usually those only come out during sustained interactions.
Aziz Ansari
#25. I write characters that are based on elements of people I know and experiences I've really had.
Aziz Ansari
#26. Encountering potential partners via online dating profiles reduces three-dimensional people to two-dimensional displays of information,
Aziz Ansari
#27. I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff.
Aziz Ansari
#28. OH, Shit! Thanks for buying my book. That money is MINE.
Aziz Ansari
#29. I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the "nerd" moniker. But I don't get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a "racist" comedian.
Aziz Ansari
#30. impact. Even on the phone you can hear a change in someone's voice or a pause to let you know how they are interpreting what you've said. In text, your mistake just sits there marinating on the other person's screen, leaving a lasting record of your ineptitude and bozoness.
Aziz Ansari
#31. The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay.
Aziz Ansari
#32. Our romantic options are unprecedented and our tools to sort and communicate with them are staggering. And that raises the question: Why are so many people frustrated?
Aziz Ansari
#33. Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired.
Aziz Ansari
#34. Some are clearly so confused that they have taken to wearing fedoras. A difficult period indeed.
Aziz Ansari
#35. If passionate love is the coke of love, companionate love is like having a glass of wine or smoking a few hits of some mild weed. That makes it sound a little better than the uncle thing, right? We all like booze and weed more than we like our relatives, right?
Aziz Ansari
#36. what stranger can compete with a video that documents the budding friendship of two baby hippopotamuses? No one, that's who.
Aziz Ansari
#37. Sometimes the person wouldn't be in the photo at all. I asked what they would post instead. "A lot of Japanese use their cats," she said. "They're not in the photo with the cat?" I asked. "Nope. Just the cat. Or their rice cooker.
Aziz Ansari
#38. When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.
Aziz Ansari
#39. For guys and girls equally . . . there's just so many people. And there's someone around the corner or uptown or downtown who you might like just a fraction better than the person who's across from you right now.
Aziz Ansari
#40. divorced and living with an iguana, remarried with iguana, then divorced with seven iguanas because your iguana obsession ruined your relationship, and, finally, single with six iguanas (Arturo was sadly run over by an ice cream truck).
Aziz Ansari
#41. Aren't you scared your kid's getting kidnapped ... RIGHT NOW?
Aziz Ansari
#43. I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.
Aziz Ansari
#44. I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.
Aziz Ansari
#45. I think when people talk about improvising it turns into this silly thing like, "Oh there's like a hula hoop there and I'm like 'Oh what's going on here? Is this a really big ring?'"
Aziz Ansari
#46. After the rings, the priest should just say, "Enjoy it, bing-bongs. Due to our brain's tendency toward hedonic adaptation, you won't feel quite this giddy in a few years. All right, where's the pigs in a blanket? I'm outta here.
Aziz Ansari
#47. When you look at your phone and see a text from a potential partner, you don't always see another person - you often see a little bubble with text in it. And it's easy to forget that this bubble is actually a person.
Aziz Ansari
#48. I don't think you can describe your ideal girl. A big part of that is just meeting someone and really clicking with them and wanting to hang out with them all of the time.
Aziz Ansari
#49. In the United States there's an optimistic expectation that most people will remain faithful to their partner, but actual data show great numbers of people will not.
Aziz Ansari
#50. Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.
Aziz Ansari
#51. Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever.
Aziz Ansari
#52. While we may think we know what we want, we're often wrong".
Aziz Ansari
#53. If you live a responsible life, you'll run into responsible people,
Aziz Ansari
#54. In this era, we have more choice than any group of people ever. When you are out at night, anyone in the universe can contact you instantly. Think about how crazy that is compared to even a few decades ago.
Aziz Ansari
#55. They are more invested in the deep commitment to the relationship, rather than being personally invested in finding a soul mate, which can tend to lead to the "Is there something better out there for me?" mentality.
Aziz Ansari
#56. Today, if you own a smartphone, you're carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket.
Aziz Ansari
#57. Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.
Aziz Ansari
#58. I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.
Aziz Ansari
#59. I often don't answer, but I like receiving them," said one woman, who seemed oblivious to how ridiculous this statement sounded.
Aziz Ansari
#60. You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty.
Aziz Ansari
#61. But this whole idea of marrying for happiness and love is relatively new. For
Aziz Ansari
#62. How do we figure out when to call, when to text, and when to just drop everything, stand outside someone's window, and serenade them with your favorite nineties R&B tune, perhaps "All My Life" by K-Ci & JoJo?
Aziz Ansari
#63. You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.
Aziz Ansari
#64. I'm always down to try a new burger, but Shake Shack is still my top. What makes them so special is for the bread they use Martin's potato rolls which is just the best hamburger buns ever.
Aziz Ansari
#65. As we see more and more people online, it can get difficult to remember that behind every text message, OkCupid profile, and Tinder picture there's an actual living, breathing, complex person, just like you.
Aziz Ansari
#66. I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.
Aziz Ansari
#67. My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.
Aziz Ansari
#68. If I ever was texting frequently with someone and wanted to make an alias, I think I'd go with "Scottie Pippin." Then my friends who were peeking at my screen could be left wondering why I was texting with the former Chicago Bull star on the reg.
Aziz Ansari
#69. At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
Aziz Ansari
#70. Want to know what's filling up the phones of nearly every single woman? It's this: "Hey," "Hey!" Heyyy!!" "Hey what's going?" "Wsup," "Wsup!" "What's going on?" "Whatcha up to?
Aziz Ansari
#71. asking a new person to go on a romantic outing has never been easy. It means declaring your attraction to someone and putting yourself out there in a huge way, while risking the brutal possibility of rejection - or, in the modern era, even an unexplained, icy-cold silence.
Aziz Ansari
#72. Everyone's first thought is "These women are going to take advantage of you" or "Someone's only going to date you because you're famous." That stuff's not really an issue because that's super-easy to see through.
Aziz Ansari
#73. You don't know Jay-Z's scedule. He's a renaissance man.
Aziz Ansari
#74. I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen.
Aziz Ansari
#75. no matter how many options we seem to have on our screens, we should be careful not to lose track of the human beings behind them.
Aziz Ansari
#76. A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.
Aziz Ansari
#77. I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.
Aziz Ansari
#78. If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work.
Aziz Ansari
#79. One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
Aziz Ansari
#80. I entered the word "crisis" into Thesaurus, it suggested "hot potato" as a synonym. I could not write this book without letting you know that Thesaurus lists "hot potato" as a synonym for "crisis.
Aziz Ansari
#81. I am perpetually indecisive on even the most mundane decisions, and I couldn't imagine leaving such an important choice to other people
Aziz Ansari
#82. Waiting for true love was a luxury that many, especially women, could not afford.
Aziz Ansari
#83. Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say.
Aziz Ansari
#84. I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat.
Aziz Ansari
#85. I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.
Aziz Ansari
#86. True love? This guy has a job and a decent mustache. Lock it down, girl.
Aziz Ansari
#87. If you were in a bar, would you ever go up to a guy or girl and repeat the word "hey" without getting a response? Would you ever go up to a woman you met two minutes ago and beg her to show you one of your boobs? And do you really want to bone someone who responds to this?
Aziz Ansari
#88. Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Aziz Ansari
#89. It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing.
Aziz Ansari
#90. At one point during a focus group with older women, I asked them straight out whether a lot of women their age got married just to get out of the house. Every single woman there nodded.
Aziz Ansari
#91. CALLING VERSUS TEXTING "A phone call? The WORST." - FEMALE FOCUS GROUP PARTICIPANT "If you want to talk to me, you're going to have to call me." - ANOTHER FEMALE FOCUS GROUP PARTICIPANT [Dumbfounded] - EVERY GUY IN THAT FOCUS GROUP
Aziz Ansari
#92. If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights ...
Aziz Ansari
#93. She felt HORRIBLE. It was the greatest Valentine's Day gift I've ever received.
Aziz Ansari
#94. That's one reason why today meeting in bars or in the neighborhood is far less common among LGBT couples than it used to be, and why nearly 70 percent of LGBT couples meet online. (BLT couples - bacon, lettuce, and tomato couples - are inanimate objects and are not engaging in romantic pursuits.)
Aziz Ansari
#95. Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig.
Aziz Ansari
#96. leaving, like, "Tanya, you're a very charming lady . . ." She said, "Aziz, you're a pretty charming guy too.
Aziz Ansari
#97. One firm takeaway from all our interviews with women is that most dudes out there are straight-up bozos.
Aziz Ansari
#98. I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.
Aziz Ansari
#99. Another idea from social psychology that goes into our texting games is the scarcity principle. Basically, we see something as more desirable when it is less available. When you are texting someone less frequently, you are, in effect, creating a scarcity of you and making yourself more attractive.
Aziz Ansari
#100. I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.
Aziz Ansari
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