Top 100 Anthony Jeselnik Sayings

#1. In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #28871
#2. I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #37089
#3. I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #40658
#4. I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #65617
#5. I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #69974
#6. I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #104256
#7. Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #117815
#8. Whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don't have to tell her about my herpes.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #133330
#9. I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #134520
#10. My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #146383
#11. I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #158023
#12. My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #176894
#13. It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #177728
#14. Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #181338
#15. My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #185857
#16. Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #194205
#17. I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #225462
#18. It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #235893
#19. I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #241364
#20. You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #247370
#21. You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #247737
#22. I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #274802
#23. I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #276619
#24. Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #288090
#25. In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #298370
#26. I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #307278
#27. I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #307330
#28. In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #308775
#29. It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #320261
#30. There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #325475
#31. God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #353944
#32. Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn't already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #357663
#33. I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #373873
#34. My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #387714
#35. I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #400241
#36. I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #404284
#37. Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #410072
#38. I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #411064
#39. I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #421177
#40. What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #428947
#41. I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #465883
#42. I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #470544
#43. I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #478520
#44. The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #483211
#45. This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #487752
#46. I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #496712
#47. I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer ... but no one will do it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #503007
#48. The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #509727
#49. My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #519058
#50. I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #539354
#51. When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #577703
#52. Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #581173
#53. Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #587260
#54. When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #592033
#55. I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #607421
#56. People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #616579
#57. I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #651079
#58. Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #652944
#59. I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #653386
#60. I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #672907
#61. I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #674803
#62. I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #681661
#63. My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #699792
#64. When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #704763
#65. I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #710410
#66. I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #726058
#67. Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #762905
#68. I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #778492
#69. My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #784082
#70. My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #793351
#71. The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #819659
#72. I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #839679
#73. Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That's crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #845725
#74. Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #892927
#75. A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #915464
#76. On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #920113
#77. Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #920935
#78. Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #932297
#79. Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #945408
#80. You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub ... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #946015
#81. On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #951093
#82. Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #960858
#83. I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #962381
#84. I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #966371
#85. My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #985780
#86. If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1005643
#87. I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1011835
#88. I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1016379
#89. I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1021735
#90. I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1037168
#91. I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1039432
#92. I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1071523
#93. I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1092360
#94. Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1100023
#95. Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1116908
#96. My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1126362
#97. I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1132349
#98. I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1142167
#99. I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1152224
#100. I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Sayings #1170866

Famous Authors

Popular Topics

Scroll to Top