Top 100 Anthony Jeselnik Sayings
#1. In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
Anthony Jeselnik
#2. I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
#3. I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
Anthony Jeselnik
#4. I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik
#5. I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
Anthony Jeselnik
#6. I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
Anthony Jeselnik
#7. Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
Anthony Jeselnik
#8. Whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don't have to tell her about my herpes.
Anthony Jeselnik
#9. I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Anthony Jeselnik
#10. My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
Anthony Jeselnik
#11. I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.
Anthony Jeselnik
#12. My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.
Anthony Jeselnik
#13. It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
#14. Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.
Anthony Jeselnik
#15. My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik
#16. Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
Anthony Jeselnik
#18. It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik
#19. I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
Anthony Jeselnik
#20. You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
Anthony Jeselnik
#21. You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik
#22. I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
#23. I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
Anthony Jeselnik
#24. Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Anthony Jeselnik
#25. In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik
#26. I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
Anthony Jeselnik
#27. I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.
Anthony Jeselnik
#28. In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.
Anthony Jeselnik
#29. It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
Anthony Jeselnik
#30. There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.
Anthony Jeselnik
#32. Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn't already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?
Anthony Jeselnik
#33. I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.
Anthony Jeselnik
#34. My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
Anthony Jeselnik
#35. I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
Anthony Jeselnik
#36. I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Anthony Jeselnik
#37. Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
Anthony Jeselnik
#38. I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
#39. I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
Anthony Jeselnik
#40. What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
Anthony Jeselnik
#41. I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.
Anthony Jeselnik
#42. I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Anthony Jeselnik
#43. I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.
Anthony Jeselnik
#45. This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
Anthony Jeselnik
#46. I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
#47. I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer ... but no one will do it.
Anthony Jeselnik
#48. The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'
Anthony Jeselnik
#49. My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
Anthony Jeselnik
#50. I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
Anthony Jeselnik
#52. Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Anthony Jeselnik
#53. Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
Anthony Jeselnik
#54. When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Anthony Jeselnik
#55. I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
Anthony Jeselnik
#56. People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
Anthony Jeselnik
#57. I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
#58. Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.
Anthony Jeselnik
#59. I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
Anthony Jeselnik
#60. I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.
Anthony Jeselnik
#61. I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
Anthony Jeselnik
#62. I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
Anthony Jeselnik
#63. My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
Anthony Jeselnik
#64. When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Anthony Jeselnik
#65. I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
Anthony Jeselnik
#66. I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
Anthony Jeselnik
#67. Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
Anthony Jeselnik
#68. I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.
Anthony Jeselnik
#69. My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
Anthony Jeselnik
#70. My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
Anthony Jeselnik
#71. The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.
Anthony Jeselnik
#72. I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.
Anthony Jeselnik
#73. Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That's crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.
Anthony Jeselnik
#74. Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Anthony Jeselnik
#75. A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
Anthony Jeselnik
#76. On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
Anthony Jeselnik
#77. Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine.
Anthony Jeselnik
#78. Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik
#80. You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub ... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony Jeselnik
#81. On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
Anthony Jeselnik
#82. Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.
Anthony Jeselnik
#83. I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
Anthony Jeselnik
#84. I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik
#85. My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
Anthony Jeselnik
#86. If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.
Anthony Jeselnik
#87. I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
Anthony Jeselnik
#88. I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
Anthony Jeselnik
#89. I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Anthony Jeselnik
#90. I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
Anthony Jeselnik
#91. I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.
Anthony Jeselnik
#92. I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.
Anthony Jeselnik
#93. I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
Anthony Jeselnik
#94. Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
Anthony Jeselnik
#96. My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
Anthony Jeselnik
#97. I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
Anthony Jeselnik
#98. I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
Anthony Jeselnik
#99. I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
Anthony Jeselnik
#100. I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
Anthony Jeselnik
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