Andy Weir Quotes

#1. An Essay from Andy Weir: How Science Made Me a Writer I'm a nerd. Okay, a lot of people say that these days. But I really am. I was hired as a computer programmer for a national laboratory at age fifteen.

Andy Weir

#2. ...duct tape is magic and should be worshipped.

Andy Weir

#3. So what's the point of it all?"
"Seriously?" I asked. "Seriously? You're asking me for the meaning of life? Isn't that a little stereotypical?"
"Well it's a reasonable question," you persisted.

Andy Weir

#4. Yeah, I definitely pulled something in my back. I woke up in agony. So I took a break from rover planning. Instead, I spent the day taking drugs and playing with radiation.

Andy Weir

#5. I am not a brave man ... I do not have the right stuff. Astronauts are really a cut above.

Andy Weir

#6. (assuming they didn't cancel the program in the wake of my "death").

Andy Weir

#7. Here's a woman who had survived the centrifuge, the vomit comet, hard-landing drills and 10k runs. A woman who fixed a simulated MDV computer failure while being spun around upside-down. But she was afraid of a tattoo needle.

Andy Weir

#8. Everything just changed. Watney's headed for Pathfinder.

Andy Weir

#9. If you asked every engineer at NASA what the worst scenario for the Hab was, they'd all answer "fire." If you asked them what the result would be, they'd answer "death by fire." But

Andy Weir

#10. I told NASA what I did. Our (paraphrased) conversation was: Me: "I took it apart, found the problem, and fixed it." NASA: "Dick.

Andy Weir

#11. We'll keep you posted.

Andy Weir

#12. Just once I'd like something to go as planned, ya know?

Andy Weir

#13. I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.

Andy Weir

#14. Okay, enough self-pity. I'm not doomed. Things will just be harder than planned. I have all I need to survive.

Andy Weir

#15. Everyone, I understand your positions. We have procedures. Skipping those procedures means risk. Risk means trouble for your department. But now isn't the time to cover our asses. We have to take risks or Mark Watney dies.

Andy Weir

#16. I'm going to finish off the last of Three's Company tonight. Frankly, I like Mr. Furley more than the Ropers.

Andy Weir

#17. I've looted that poor Hab for everything it could give me, and in return it's kept me alive for a year and a half. It's like the Giving Tree.

Andy Weir

#18. I'm traveling 90 kilometers per day as usual, but I only get 37 kilometers closer to Schiaparelli because Pythagoras is a dick.

Andy Weir

#19. Well, that concept is critical to the "Mark Watney doesn't die" project

Andy Weir

#20. Do you believe in God, Venkat?" Mitch asked.
"Sure, lots of 'em," Venkat said. "I'm Hindu.

Andy Weir

#21. Great Martian Potato Migration. Anyway,

Andy Weir

#22. I ask for a picture, and I get the Fonz

Andy Weir

#23. Message reads: 'Houston, be advised: Rich Purnell is a steely-eyed missile man.

Andy Weir

#24. Damn it, Jim, I'm a botanist, not a chemist!

Andy Weir

#25. You'd think after almost killing myself twice, I'd be able to stop screwing around with hydrazine. But nope.

Andy Weir

#26. So I go out every night with a homemade sextant and sight Deneb. It's kind of silly if you think about it. I'm in my space suit on Mars and I'm navigating with sixteenth-century tools.

Andy Weir

#27. I would have done it today, but it got dark and I got lazy.

Andy Weir

#28. But oxygen's easier to find on Mars than you might think. The atmosphere is 95 percent CO2. And I happen to have a machine whose sole purpose is liberating oxygen from CO2. Yay, oxygenator!

Andy Weir

#29. I'm a well-honed machine in times of crisis.

Andy Weir

#30. Watney snorted in their direction. Then he closed his eyes and felt the sun on his face. It was a nice, boring afternoon.

Andy Weir

#31. If the reader is rooting for the protagonist, they'll forgive you just about everything else.

Andy Weir

#32. A story in your head isn't a story. It's just a daydream until you actually write it down. So write it down.

Andy Weir

#33. Anyway, my ribs hurt like hell, my vision is still blurry from acceleration sickness, I'm really hungry, it'll be another 211 days before I'm back on Earth, and, apparently, I smell like a skunk took a shit on some sweat socks. This is the happiest day of my life.

Andy Weir

#34. Something very hot and very explodey had happened, and I wasn't sure what. Or how.

Andy Weir

#35. I admit it's fatally dangerous," Watney said. "But consider this: I'd get to fly around like Iron Man." "We'll keep working on ideas," Lewis said. "Iron Man, Commander. Iron Man.

Andy Weir

#36. Anything, Tim?" "Totally," he replied. "But we're staring at this black screen because it's way more interesting than pictures from Mars." "You're a smart-ass, Tim," Venkat said. "Noted.

Andy Weir

#37. I'll drop the oxygen mixture to zero and breathe pure nitrogen until I suffocate. It wouldn't feel bad. The lungs don't have the ability to sense lack of oxygen. I'd just get tired, fall asleep, then die.

Andy Weir

#38. Half the people who studied botany were hippies who thought they could return to some natural world system. Somehow feeding seven billion people through pure gathering.

Andy Weir

#39. Any concerns or reservations?" Venkat asked. "Yeah. I'm concerned about what I ate last night. I think it had an eyeball in it." "I'm sure there wasn't an eyeball." "The engineers here made it for me special," Mitch said. "There may have been an eyeball," Venkat said. "They hate you.

Andy Weir

#40. Sure enough, the water heated up. That's not really a surprise, but it's nice to see thermodynamics being well behaved.

Andy Weir

#41. After a search of everyone's personal items (hey, if they wanted privacy, they shouldn't have abandoned me on Mars with their stuff)

Andy Weir

#42. Million-mile-high club," Martinez said. "Nice!

Andy Weir

#43. I wonder what NASA would think about me fucking with the RTG like this. They'd probably hide under their desks and cuddle with their slide rules for comfort.

Andy Weir

#44. So what do we do, then? He's not going to decompose. He'll be there forever." "Not forever," Teddy said. "Within a year, he'll be covered in sand from normal weather activity.

Andy Weir

#45. I guess I should explain how Mars missions work, for any layman who may be reading this.

Andy Weir

#46. I got an e-mail from Venkat Kapoor: Mark, some answers to your earlier questions: No, we will not tell our Botany Team to "Go fuck themselves.

Andy Weir

#47. There's no way to be sure," Irene said. "The biggest threat is giving up hope. If he decides there's no chance to survive, he'll stop trying.

Andy Weir

#48. I don't even date; I'm terrible with women.

Andy Weir

#49. It was a ridiculous sequence of events that led to me almost dying, and an even more ridiculous sequence that led to me surviving.

Andy Weir

#50. I cut each potato into four pieces, making sure each piece had at least two eyes. The eyes are where they sprout from. I let them sit for a few hours to harden a bit, then planted them, well spaced apart, in the corner. Godspeed, little taters. My life depends on you.

Andy Weir

#51. No, we will not tell our botany team to go fuck themslves.

Andy Weir

#52. Martinez is a devout Catholic. I knew that. What I didn't know was he brought along a small wooden cross. I'm sure NASA gave him shit about it, but I also know Martinez is one stubborn son of a bitch.

Andy Weir

#53. AS A chemist, Vogel knew how to make a bomb. In fact, much of his training was to avoid making them by mistake.

Andy Weir

#54. because after what I've been through, stuff on Mars should be named after me.

Andy Weir

#55. Carefully reaching to the side of my helmet, I got the

Andy Weir

#56. But there's something more important we need to discuss: What is it with you and disco? I can understand the '70s TV because everyone loves hairy people with huge collars. But disco? Disco!?

Andy Weir

#57. And where will that "safety" be? Not a damn clue. Anyway, one problem at a time. Right now I'm fixing the EVA suit. AUDIO

Andy Weir

#58. It's the simple things in life that matter.

Andy Weir

#59. I'm even going to electrolyze my urine. That'll make for a pleasant smell in the trailer.

If I survive this, I'll tell people I was pissing rocket fuel.

Andy Weir

#60. Q. Star Wars or Star Trek? A. Doctor Who.

Andy Weir

#61. You asked my opinion. Don't like it? Go fuck yourself.

Andy Weir

#62. It's all good to go. No problems that I can see.

Andy Weir

#63. WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! - (.Y.).

Andy Weir

#64. Really bad ideas, but they're ideas. Today

Andy Weir

#65. I need some encouragement. I need to ask myself, "What would an Apollo astronaut do?" He'd drink three whiskey sours, drive his Corvette to the launchpad, then fly to the moon in a command module smaller than my Rover. Man those guys were cool.

Andy Weir

#66. I do know that the best way to make a mediocre movie is to just transcribe the book.

Andy Weir

#67. Hurray for standardized valve systems!

Andy Weir

#68. [09:09] MAV: You're sending me into space in a convertible.
[09:24] HOUSTON: There will be Hab canvas covering the holes. It will provide enough aerodynamics in Mars's atmosphere.
[09:38] MAV: So it's a ragtop. Much better.

Andy Weir

#69. If this were a movie, everyone would have been in the airlock, and there would have been high fives all around. But it didn't pan out that way.

Andy Weir

#70. Everyone would die but me," she said. "They'd all take pills and die. They'll do it right away so they don't use up any food. Commander Lewis picked me to be the survivor. She told me about it yesterday. I don't think NASA knows about it.

Andy Weir

#71. Got my first e-mail from Hermes today. NASA's been limiting direct contact. I guess they're afraid I'll say something like "You abandoned me on Mars, you assholes!

Andy Weir

#72. It just feels nice to be an astronaut again. That's all it is. Not a reluctant farmer, not an electrical engineer, not a long-haul trucker. An astronaut.

Andy Weir

#73. Well, it is a photo taken from orbit," Mindy said. "The NSA enhanced the image with the best software they have." "Wait, what?" Venkat stammered. "The NSA?" "Yeah, they called and offered to help out.

Andy Weir

#74. I'm the first guy to drive long-distance on Mars. The first guy to spend more than thirty-one sols on Mars. The first guy to grow crops on Mars. First, first, first! I wasn't expecting to be first at anything.

Andy Weir

#75. I'm not talking about faith in God, I'm talking about faith in Mark Watney

Andy Weir

#76. I can see it now: me holding a map, scratching my head, trying to figure out how I ended up on Venus.

Andy Weir

#77. Venkat was silent for a moment. "Jack, I'm going to buy your whole team autographed Star Trek memorabilia." "I prefer Star Wars," he said, turning to leave. "The original trilogy only, of course.

Andy Weir

#78. It's a terrible thing to have my life depend on my half-assed handiwork.

Andy Weir

#79. I figure if there's a God, He won't mind, considering the situation I'm in.

Andy Weir

#80. MINDY TRUDGED to her computer. Today's shift began at 2:10 p.m. Her schedule matched Watney's every day. She slept when he slept. Watney simply slept at night on Mars, while Mindy had to drift forty minutes forward every day, taping aluminum foil to her windows to get any sleep at all.

Andy Weir

#81. I already knew that, of course. But there's a difference between knowing it and really experiencing it. All

Andy Weir

#82. (50 liters of O2 makes 100 liters of molecules that only have one O each).

Andy Weir

#83. I used a sophisticated method to remove sections of plastic (hammer), then carefully removed the solid foam insulation (hammer again).

Andy Weir

#84. I'm the first person to be alone on an entire planet.

Andy Weir

#85. [08:31] JPL: Good, keep us posted on any mechanical or electronic problems. By the way, the name of the probe we're sending is Iris. Named after the Greek goddess who traveled the heavens with the speed of wind. She's also the goddess of rainbows. [08:47] WATNEY: Gay probe coming to save me. Got it.

Andy Weir

#86. It was right where I left it, in a hole four kilometers away. Only an idiot would keep that thing near the Hab. So anyway, I brought it back to the Hab.

Andy Weir

#87. Earth is about to set. Resume 08:00 my time tomorrow morning. Tell family I'm fine. Give crew my best. Tell Commander Lewis disco sucks.

Andy Weir

#88. Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be "in command" if I were the only remaining person."
What do you know? I'm in command

Andy Weir

#89. There aren't many people who can say they've vandalized a three-billion-dollar spacecraft, but I'm one of them.

Andy Weir

#90. If the oxygenator breaks down, I'll suffocate. If the water reclaimer breaks down, I'll die of thirst. If the Hab breaches, I'll just kind of explode. If none of those things happen, I'll eventually run out of food and starve to death. So yeah. I'm fucked.

Andy Weir

#91. Even if it's got a bigger problem, he's an engineer!" Dialing, he added, "Fixing things is his job!

Andy Weir

#92. The airlock's on its side, and I can hear a steady hiss. So either it's leaking or there are snakes in here. Either way, I'm in trouble.

Andy Weir

#93. I'll give my dad credit; he never claimed it was to build character or teach me the value of hard work. "Snowblowers are expensive," he used to say. "You're free.

Andy Weir

#94. could have finished faster, but I figured caution's best when setting fire to rocket fuel in an enclosed space.

Andy Weir

#95. CNHAKRVR2TLK2PTHFDRPRP4LONGMSG

Andy Weir

#96. Software engineers are sneaky bastards when it comes to data management.

Andy Weir

#97. I'll be playing with high-voltage power tomorrow. Can't imagine anything going wrong with that!

Andy Weir

#98. The water reclaimer was designed to purify urine and strain humidity out of the air (you exhale almost as much water as you piss). I've mixed my water with soil, making it mineral water. The minerals built up in the water reclaimer.

Andy Weir

#99. Why doesn't Rosco just go to the Duke farm and arrest them when they're not in the car?

Andy Weir

#100. That's my considered opinion. Fucked. Six days into what should

Andy Weir