Top 36 Felipe Esparza Quotes
#1. I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.
Felipe Esparza
#2. Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.
Felipe Esparza
#3. I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.
Felipe Esparza
#4. Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.
Felipe Esparza
#5. Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.
Felipe Esparza
#6. According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!
Felipe Esparza
#7. I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.
Felipe Esparza
#8. I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
Felipe Esparza
#9. Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.
Felipe Esparza
#10. Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.
Felipe Esparza
#11. I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.
Felipe Esparza
#12. You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.
Felipe Esparza
#13. My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.
Felipe Esparza
#14. Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
Felipe Esparza
#15. I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
Felipe Esparza
#17. I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.
Felipe Esparza
#18. My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.
Felipe Esparza
#19. I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn't know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!
Felipe Esparza
#20. If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.
Felipe Esparza
#21. I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.
Felipe Esparza
#22. While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.
Felipe Esparza
#23. The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.
Felipe Esparza
#24. I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.
Felipe Esparza
#25. I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
Felipe Esparza
#26. A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.
Felipe Esparza
#27. We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.
Felipe Esparza
#28. I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.
Felipe Esparza
#29. I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.
Felipe Esparza
#30. I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.
Felipe Esparza
#31. The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.
Felipe Esparza
#32. Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.
Felipe Esparza
#33. I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
Felipe Esparza
#34. I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.
Felipe Esparza
#35. I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
Felipe Esparza
#36. Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.
Felipe Esparza
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
