Fanny Merkin Quotes

#1. Mr. Grey will see you in a few minutes. Would you like a refreshment while you wait? Coffee, soda, tea ... ?" "Gravy," I say.

Fanny Merkin

#2. Are you ready for my love gun?" he says.
Uh-oh. "What's a love gun? Is that a sex toy?"
"No," he says. "I'm talking about my penis."
"Oh," I say. "Then yes. Fire away

Fanny Merkin

#3. Mr. Long Fingers. Mr. Womb-Ticklers

Fanny Merkin

#4. News flash, Mr Grey: This isn't 1950 or whatever. Your sexual tastes aren't as shocking or as deviant as you think.

Fanny Merkin

#5. Walmart suddenly smells like a prosti-tot pageant.

Fanny Merkin

#6. HOLY MOTHER EFFING SPARKLY VAMPIRES IS HE HOT

Fanny Merkin

#7. Are you hitting on me, Mr. Grey?" I tease, lightly drizzling balsamic vinaigrette on my spinach salad. He giggles. "I scream, you scream ... we all scream for ice cream," he says, licking a chocolate-and-vanilla-swirl ice cream cone.

Fanny Merkin

#8. I'd do you."

"I think you did once" I say.

"Oh yeah.

Fanny Merkin

#9. Air is like cable TV: you don't appreciate it until you don't have it.

Fanny Merkin

#10. I spend the rest of the night doing schoolwork. After striking a match and lighting a candal, I sit down at my desk with my quill pen and parchment to write an essay for my ethics class on the legalities of fan fiction.

Fanny Merkin

#11. I feel naked in my Tommy hoodie and Victoria's Secret sweatpants with PINK written across the ass. The sweatpants aren't pink though - they're gray. This always confuses me when I put them on, because shouldn't they say GRAY - on the backside? Maybe Victoria's secret is she's colorblind.

Fanny Merkin

#12. I walk through the glass doors and into the lobby, which is floor-to-ceiling glass and steel. This fascinates me to no end, because buildings back in Portland are made of grass and mud.

Fanny Merkin

#13. Here's the aisle with tape."
"Thank you, Miss Steal," he says. He picks up the most expensive brand, which runs $3.99 a roll. This guy is a total baller.

Fanny Merkin

#14. I stare at her blankly. We don't have elevators in Portland. This is my first elevator ride. How do they work exactly?

Fanny Merkin

#15. Soon, we are as naked as the day we were born. Except, y'know, were not covered in blood and attached to our mothers by umbilical cords.

Fanny Merkin

#16. I gaze into his gazing eyes gazingly like a gazelle gazing into another gazelle's gazing gaze.

Fanny Merkin

#17. Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.

Fanny Merkin