Dov Davidoff Quotes

#1. The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

Dov Davidoff

#2. Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

Dov Davidoff

#3. Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

Dov Davidoff

#4. The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

Dov Davidoff

#5. Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

Dov Davidoff

#6. Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

Dov Davidoff

#7. The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

Dov Davidoff

#8. Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

Dov Davidoff

#9. Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth ... I guess.

Dov Davidoff

#10. It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

Dov Davidoff

#11. The man I want to be could easily beat me up.

Dov Davidoff

#12. Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Dov Davidoff

#13. Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

Dov Davidoff

#14. Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Dov Davidoff

#15. We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

Dov Davidoff

#16. I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

Dov Davidoff

#17. Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Dov Davidoff

#18. When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

Dov Davidoff

#19. Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Dov Davidoff

#20. The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

Dov Davidoff

#21. There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Dov Davidoff

#22. Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

Dov Davidoff

#23. If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

Dov Davidoff

#24. Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

Dov Davidoff

#25. Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Dov Davidoff

#26. Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Dov Davidoff

#27. How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

Dov Davidoff

#28. Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

Dov Davidoff

#29. No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

Dov Davidoff

#30. Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

Dov Davidoff

#31. Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

Dov Davidoff

#32. The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

Dov Davidoff

#33. Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

Dov Davidoff

#34. Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

Dov Davidoff

#35. If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

Dov Davidoff

#36. Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

Dov Davidoff

#37. People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

Dov Davidoff

#38. It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

Dov Davidoff

#39. Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Dov Davidoff

#40. If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

Dov Davidoff

#41. Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

Dov Davidoff

#42. Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

Dov Davidoff

#43. Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

Dov Davidoff

#44. Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

Dov Davidoff

#45. At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

Dov Davidoff

#46. Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

Dov Davidoff

#47. Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

Dov Davidoff

#48. Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

Dov Davidoff

#49. I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

Dov Davidoff

#50. I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

Dov Davidoff

#51. People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

Dov Davidoff

#52. Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

Dov Davidoff

#53. The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

Dov Davidoff

#54. Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

Dov Davidoff

#55. Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Dov Davidoff

#56. One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.

Dov Davidoff

#57. You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Dov Davidoff

#58. I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Dov Davidoff

#59. Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

Dov Davidoff

#60. Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

Dov Davidoff

#61. Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

Dov Davidoff

#62. White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

Dov Davidoff

#63. If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

Dov Davidoff

#64. The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

Dov Davidoff

#65. Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.

Dov Davidoff

#66. Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do ... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.

Dov Davidoff

#67. Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Dov Davidoff

#68. I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

Dov Davidoff

#69. If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Dov Davidoff

#70. Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.

Dov Davidoff

#71. I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

Dov Davidoff

#72. The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

Dov Davidoff

#73. Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

Dov Davidoff

#74. Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

Dov Davidoff

#75. Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

Dov Davidoff

#76. Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

Dov Davidoff

#77. Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

Dov Davidoff

#78. Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

Dov Davidoff

#79. People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

Dov Davidoff

#80. I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

Dov Davidoff

#81. America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Dov Davidoff

#82. I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

Dov Davidoff

#83. If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

Dov Davidoff

#84. I think you have a lot to offer ... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Dov Davidoff

#85. Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

Dov Davidoff

#86. When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Dov Davidoff

#87. I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Dov Davidoff

#88. People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.

Dov Davidoff

#89. Parenthood seems really rewarding ... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

Dov Davidoff

#90. If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

Dov Davidoff

#91. My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Dov Davidoff

#92. Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

Dov Davidoff

#93. I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Dov Davidoff

#94. I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

Dov Davidoff

#95. Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

Dov Davidoff

#96. TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

Dov Davidoff

#97. Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

Dov Davidoff

#98. I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

Dov Davidoff

#99. A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Dov Davidoff

#100. Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Dov Davidoff